High tech marriage:
Posted on 01/01/2002 12:07:51 AM PST by sweetliberty
Friend,
When you are sad...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard/bitch who made you sad.
When you are blue...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
When you smile...I'll know you finally had sex.
When you are scared...I will rag you about it every chance I get.
When you are worried...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.
When you are confused...I will use little words to explain it to your dumb ass.
When you are sick...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.
When you fall...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
This is my oath...I pledge 'til the end.
Why you may ask?
Because you're my friend!
Send this to ten of your closest friends and get depressed because you realize you only have 2 friends, and one of them is not speaking to you right now anyway.
And keep in mind this truth:
A friend will help you move. A real friend will help you move a body.
High tech marriage:
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping". [Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair]
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." [Evidently, the shoplifter special]
3. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how...?]
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." [But it's *just* a suggestion]
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down". [Oops, too late!]
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating". [As sure as night follows the day...]
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body". [But wouldn't this save even more time?]
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication". [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.]
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness" [One would hope]
10. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". [As opposed to what?]
11. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use". [I gotta admit, I'm curious].
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts". [NEWS FLASH]
13. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: open packet, eat nuts." [Step 3: Fly Delta]
14. On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." [I don't blame the company. I do blame parents for this one!]
Quick Thinking
One day, a man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some jerk out there wants to buy only half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Kentucky,, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Kentucky," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and basketball players down there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Kentucky!"
The boy replied, "No kidding? What team did she play for?
After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends. Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was a da treep?"
Luigi said, "Ever'thing was a perfect except for da train a ride down."
"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Centrala Station. My beautifula Virginia had packed a biga basket a food with vino and cigars for a me, and a we were looking a 'forward to da trip.
All was OK until we gotta hungry and opened up a da luncha basket. The conductor came by, wagged his a finger at us and a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'" "So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino. Conductor walk by me again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car." "So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar. The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'" "We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.
Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed. We just about to have'a sex and the conductor, he walk'a through our corridor shouting at top of his voice,
'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!' 'NO-FOLK'A VIRGINIA!"
"Next'a time, Im'a driva down to Florida".
I am writing slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address, cause the last family that lived here took the house numbers with them so they would not have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled down on the handle and haven't seen them since. It rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket for you.
The family is fine. Your father, he has a lovely job. He has about 500 men under him. He is cutting grass down at the cemetery. Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out yet whether it's a girl or a boy so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. We got a bill from the funeral home the other day. They said if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up. Billy Bob was driving and Willie and Joe was in the back. Billy Bob got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down. Your Uncle John fell in a whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off before he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Not much more news this time. Nothin' much happened. Write more often.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
The Secrets of Women's Language - Keywords and their meanings:
"Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
"Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
"Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine."
"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
"Loud Sigh": This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
"Soft Sigh": Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
"Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that." Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.
"That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead." At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
"Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".
"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.
"Thanks a lot": This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really pissed at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."
I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...
Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
Nobody but a true Southerner knows how many fish make up a mess.
A true Southerner can show or point you in the general direction of cattywumpus.
A true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is -- as in "Going to town, be back directly."
Even true Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. No true Southerner has a problem handling his (or her) "pot likker."
True Southerners know instinctively that the best gesture of solace for neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold tater salad. (If the trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add some hot biscuits and a nanner puddin'.)
True Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece."
True Southerners both know and understand the differences between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
True Southerners never go snipe hunting twice. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
True Southerners sometimes wear long sleeves, but only if they roll 'em up past the elbows.
True Southerners are born knowing that you should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to anybody.
True Southerners have always known that the South is more American than America.
TIPS FROM SOUTHERNERS TO NORTHERNERS.....
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of bein' right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice doesn't mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cookin', let alone eatin'.
7. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
8. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitatin' a southern accent.
9. Get used to hearin', "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
10. People walk slower here.
11. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
12. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinkin' on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
17. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter if you need anything from the store, it's just something you're supposed to do.
18. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
19. As you are cursin' the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
20. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off tryin' to find it your own self.
Southern slang, [Y'allbonics]
ANY GOOD SOUTH'NER WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN PEACHES WILL UNDERSTAND EVERY SINGLE WORD BELOW!
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.
The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary:
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station......
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, quit while your ahead?
Do Lipton employees take a coffee break?
Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the post office? What are we supposed to do...write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
If it is true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said,"the whole time".
So what is the speed of dark?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated such a long word?
What's the best form of birth control after 50? Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 pounds.
What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
What have men and floor tiles have in common?
If you lay them right you can walk over them for the rest of your life.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't handle criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same thing that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde because she's 18.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother.
How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac says,"let's just be friends".
Mom's have mother's day, father's have father's day, what do single guys have?
Palm Sunday
Why did god create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
Are you sure it's mine?
Why does mike tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same dna.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic rabbi?
He walks around saying "yo"
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
What is the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, with a recipe.
I about lost my coffee on this one! I worked at a grocery store as a kid, and I assure you this is 100% factual even as far North as Central Illinois...
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult.
Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.
I settled for 'Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray.
I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas Dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend.
A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
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