FREEPER FUNNIES/Add Your Own

"The Test"

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists......two men and a woman

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes."I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.

Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Here's another you might like:

Employee Job Evaluations:

1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
23. He's so dense, light bends around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity

"THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T"

Oh, ok.

I guess it was a stretch. But after New Years eve, it seemed to make sense to me ;)

Made in America....

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,"replied the President.

"I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the president of the condom company.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one!"

•

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this,"and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

( Are you ready???)

(You're gonna love it!)

The bank manager looks back at her and says:
"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

Grooaaannnnn!!!

Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The '90s:

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you to ask: "Do you wanna go get a beer?" and he replies: "Yeah, give me five minutes".

5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

8. You consider the U.S. Mail painfully slow and/or call it "snail mail".

9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.

11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.

13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

14. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.

15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.

16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.

17. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

18. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.

19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.

20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.

21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.

22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.

23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.

24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.

25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.

26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.

27. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.

28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.

29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.

30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your management department is short of, but they can afford four full-time consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.

31. Your boss's favorite lines are: When you've got a few minutes... Could you fit this in...? ...in your spare time ...when you've got a moment I know you're busy but... I have an opportunity for you

32. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.

33. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.

34. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving'collection.

35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".

36. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.

37. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.

AND THE CLINCHERS ARE

38. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.

39. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.

40. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.

Baby Boomers - Then and Now - What a difference 30 years makes!!!!!!

Then: Killer Weed
Now: Weed Killer

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine
Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine

Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM

Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint

Then: Moving to California because it's cool
Now: Moving to California because it's warm

Then: Being called into the principal's office
Now: Storming into the principal's office

Then: Peace Sign
Now: Mercedes Logo

Then: OJ, cutting & slashing
Now: OJ, cutting & slashing

Then: Getting your head stoned
Now: Getting your headstone

Then: "The Making of the President"
Now: The making of the President

Then: "Going blind"
Now: REALLY going blind

Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair

Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux

Then: Worrying about no one coming to your party
Now: Worrying about no one coming to your funeral

Then: President Johnson
Now: The President's johnson

Then: Fighting to get rid of the lying President
Now: Fighting to keep the lying President

Then: The perfect high
Now: The perfect high-yield mutual fund

Then: Elvis in the army
Now: Elvis in a UFO

Then: Keg
Now: EKG

Then: Swallowing acid
Now: Swallowing antacid

Then: You're growing pot
Now: Your growing pot

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

Then: Passing the driving test
Now: Passing the vision test

Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints

Then: Whatever?
Now: Depends

Then: "Off the pigs"
Now: "No bacon please, I'm watching my cholesterol"

Then: Ommmmmm
Now: Ummmmm

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.

He then asked the students if the jar was full?

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was. The students laughed.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life."

"The rocks are the important things - your family, your spouse, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. "

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car."

"The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks."

"The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal."

"Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then...

A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is:

That no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER.

ROTFL!! Guilty on nearly all counts!

You know you've been on-line too long when...

You start introducing yourself as Jim at aol.com.
Your wife drapes a wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages" so you check it again.
You name your children Eudora, Mozzilla, and Dotcom.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You tell the cab driver you live at
You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy/Mommy's got work to do".
You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Internet Explorer 6.0."
You ask the plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of the computer with a toilet.
You start tilting your head sideways whenever you smile. :-)
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

ROFLMAOPIMP!!!! That was hilarious!

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD: Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder This is how it goes...

I decide to wash the car and start toward the garage then I notice the mail on the table. I figure I might as well go through the mail before washing the car.

I lay my keys down on the desk, sort the mail and discard the junk mail. As I discard the junk mail, I see that the garbage can is full.

I lay the bills down on the desk and pick up the trash can. Then I figure that since I'll be going near the mailbox while taking out the trash, I may as well pay these few bills first.

Now where did I put my checkbook? Ah, here it is! Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in the other room.

Oh! There's the soda I was drinking earlier Hmmm, I guess I'd better take it out to the kitchen and discard it. On the way to the kitchen, my flower arrangement catches my eye and I realize it needs more water.

I pour the soda down the sink. As I wipe a spot of the counter I see my glasses on the window sill. It's about time. I've been looking for them all morning. I guess I'd better go put them away so I can find them again later. But first I see remote, but what's that doing in the kitchen? Aaaaaagh! I'd better take it to the living room because we'll never think to look for it in the kitchen tonight.

I take the remote out to the coffee table and find that the living room is a bit untidy, so I go around arranging cushions and throw pillows. I'm off down the hall, to... to... what the heck was I planning to do?

End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the flowers aren't watered, the checkbook still only has one check, and now I can't seem to find my car keys! I don't seem to have gotten anything done today but I just can't figure out why because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition and that I'd better seek help. But first, I think I'll check my e-mail.....

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender

"Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

The BARTENDER is blond, the BOUNCER is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb blond with a black belt in karate.

"What's more, the guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 lb and he's a blond weight lifter," he continues, "The fella to your right is blond, 6'5" and pushing 300 lb and he's a wrestler.

Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy goes: "Nah! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

A blonde was driving home and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to the repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde and decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard and all the dents would pop out. The blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tail pipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder and still nothing happened. Her roommate, also a blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Hell-oooo! You need to roll up the windows first!!!!"

Tech. Support

TO TECHNICAL SUPPORT:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs & launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this Wife 1.0.

Can you help me, please!!! Otherwise, I'm screwed.

Thanks, Joe.

REPLY:

DEAR JOE SCREWED This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade form Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in you manual under "Warnings-Alimony / Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command: C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance to Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck.

Tech Support.

A blond was taking a stroll through the woods and came upon a river. She looked upstream and downstream, but did not see any way to cross the river. She looked across the river and saw another blond standing on the bank. She waved her arms to get the other blond's attention and called, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?" The other blond thought for a few moments, then replied, "Well duh! you are on the other side!"

ROTFLMBO!!! That is hilarious!!! Reminded me of another one that gave me some of my best laughs this year!

The Liberal OS: Introducing the Newest Program for PC's Everywhere The Liberal Operating System

To help the common user in it's struggle against the tyranny of the monopolistic giant Microsoft we are proud to present the newest operating system, Liberal OS 2001 version 2.1. This operating system will aid users in all applications by removing the user's responsibility.

"The less the user is responsible for, the less can go wrong." said co-creator, Al Gore.

"Liberal OS will do for computer users what liberalism has done for Americans." added Hillary Clinton.

Let's take a look at this unique operating system.

The user will not have a choice of the wallpaper that is shown on the monitor. Instead, the operating system will randomly flash pictures of liberal heroes. For example, one time you might have a picture of Bill Clinton, reboot and you could see a photo of JFK. Here is a partial list of available pictures that will be shown on your pc once you install Liberal OS:

Bill Clinton
John F. Kennedy
Ted Kennedy
Mikhail Gorbachev
Hillary Clinton
FDR
Fidel Castro
Joseph Stalin
Karl Marx

The Liberal OS will also function differently than other operating systems. There will be incremental changes that the user will probably be unaware of. The operating system will gradually need more hard drive space will slowly expand until there is no more room.

The Liberal OS will also monitor how the user uses his/her applications. If the operating system finds an application that is not helpful to the user, the following error will appear:

"ERROR:This operating system has deemed this application unsuitable for your needs. All files and folders associated with this application will be deleted"

Users of all kinds will benefit from the intrusive nature of this operating system. Never before has a system been so willing to moderate the behavior of its users.

Another example of this would be surfing the web, the operating system refers to the user as "Web Serfer" while connected to the Internet. If a user tried to venture to a site like NRA.org or a site with a pro-life theme, the user will receive the following message:

"--HATE SPEECH WARNING-- The site you are trying to access may contain hate speech! This operating system has redirected you to h t t p peta.org"

This will also serve to protect the children from seeing such sites. The good news is that freedom of expression won't be hindered by this web browser moderating. Pornographic and other political sites (NAMBLA, UN.org and others) will not suffer from the browser restrictions. The creators of this system deemed that sexually explicit sites are art. They also thought that users should be exposed to the diversity of special interest groups that may not have a presence in their community. The Liberal OS has taken every aspect of social concerns into its functions. Check out the following message when a user tries to print:

"--ENVIRONMENTAL WARNING-- Are you sure you want to print this file or page? Remember each sheet of paper is ripped out of a tree created by Mother Earth. Be kind to our natural resources"

The operating system is able to correct certain critical errors by evaluating the overall need for the application it is in conflict with. In Windows (95, 98 or NT) when an application causes an error, usually a user has to reboot. In Liberal OS, that might be the case, or an error such as this may appear.

"--CRITICAL ERROR-- This application has committed a critical error. However, the operating system has benefitted fronm this application and the error will be pardoned."

Liberal OS has a unique way of monitoring applications. If an application is used more often than others and has used more memory on the hard drive, the operating system will break up the application files and hide them in other applications. This will promote the fair usage of all applications.

Users will be treated to other benefits from this new operating system. Some things are subtle, like the messages hidden on the task bars of open windows. Here is sample of the subliminal messages:

"Oral Sex is not sex!"
"Embrace World Socialism!"
"You don't need a tax cut!"

As the operating system gains more control of the pc other applications begin to work less, until they become too dependent on the OS to do any functions on their own. It is at this point when all applications can work in unity without the threat of fatal errors. Ironically, it is also the time the user will need to upgrade to a larger hard drive to compensate for the insatiable appetite of the Liberal OS.

We hope you enjoy this application and true freedom it will allow you.