King Arthur was about to go off to war, and he intended to leave the knights of the Round Table at home to defend the kingdom. But, he didn't trust Queen Guinevere, so he went to the royal locksmith to get a chastity belt.
The locksmith said, "I know just the thing" and went into a back room, and returned with a lovely model.
"That won't do!" said the king. "The hole is in the wrong place!"
"No it isn't!" the locksmith answered, "Watch this!" and with that he demonstrated by pushing a stick through the hole. The stick was cut in half by a hidden razor trap.
"Hmmm....said the king. "I like it! I'll take it!" So off he went to the war.
When he returned a few years later, he summoned all the knights of the Round Table to appear before him, and commanded, "Drop trou! Now!"
One after the other, the knights revealed their...er...perfidy, sadly foreshortened, until it became at last, Lancelot's turn. He was revealed to be...intact.
"Why Lancelot!" the king exclaimed, "You, whom I most suspected, are revealed to have been innocent! How could I have doubted you!?"
Lancelot looked at the floor, then at the king, and replied, "Wmmmph, ow uddnt ee oo huick..."
A bunch of surgeons are sitting around in the lounge talking about who are the easiest type of people to operate on.
One surgeon says "I think file clerks are the easiest to operate on because all their parts are labeled, in alphabetical order, and are very organized."
Another surgeon says "I think electricians are the easiest to work on because all their parts are color-coded."
The next surgeon says "I think construction workers are the easiest to work on because they don't mind if the job takes a little longer than expected and there's a few parts left over when you're done."
The fourth surgeon says "I think politicians are the easiest to operate on because they have no guts, no heart, no spine, and the head and @$$ are interchangeable!"
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How many skin divers does it take to circumsize a whale?
Four! (four skin divers)
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Two guys are peeing off of a bridge into a river. One says (feeling manly) "Man, that water sure is cold down there." The other says "Yeah, and deep too!"
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A guy walks into a bar carrying a briefcase. He opens the case and takes out a really small piano. He then sets the case upright on the bar and knocks on it.
A little door opens and a little guy about a foot tall crawls out, gets up, dusts himself off and begins playing the piano, and he's really good!
By this time a crowd has gathered around and the guy is taking requests. The bartender walks over and asks where he can get one of those things. The guy says "Well, I came across this genie in a bottle who granted me a wish. Here, I'll show you."
The guy pulls out a bottle, rubs it, and a genie appears and says to the bartender "I'll grant you only one wish."
The bartender says "Ok, I'd like a million bucks!" POOF! Suddenly there's a million ducks flying around the room. The bartender says "Hey, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The guy says "Do you think I actually wished for a 12-inch pianist?"
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And finally:
A woman is speeding down the freeway and gets pulled over by a cop. When the cop walks up to the window he notices that the lady has four penguins in the back seat.
He tells her "Lady, I'll let you go with a warning if you promise to take these penguins to the zoo." She says "No problem, officer."
The next day the same officer sees the same lady driving down the road with the same penguins in the back seat, but this time they are wearing sunglasses. He pulls her over and says "Hey, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo?"
She says "I did take them to the zoo. Today they want to go to the beach!"
Ok, I'm done for now.