- The President himself sent over the Bomb-making Plans.
We contacted several 12-year olds as technical consultants, one of whom, with that youthful simplicity that is a genius of its own, simply wrote a nice polite letter to the President, Mr. Jimmy "I'm a Nuclear Engineer" Carter, and soon received de-classified bomb-construction instruction material from the US Government Printing Office.I mean, forget the current hysteria on kids discovering something dangerous about the Bomb in public libraries or (today) the Internet, in 1979 in response to us, the government promptly sent us instructions.
- While the manufacturing techniques themselves are ultra-highly classified, the Russian photocopies of the techniques are... free public domain.
An engineering teacher who had taken an interest assured us it gave sufficient information on how to build a bomb, though not a very good one. The reason is that though the concepts were not secret, the advanced manufacturing techniques were indeed ruthlessly classified and quite unobtainable, not that it was anything the Soviets were unlikely to know, merely able to, one prayed, duplicate. He helpfully pointed out that while the US N-Bomb manufacturing techniques were classified, the copies of Soviet documents that were copies of them and that he had obtained at a recent conference in Vladivostok, weren't.Oh.
- Possession of Pistols and Water Balloons may be illegal; However, the private manufacture of Neutron Warheads is... a matter of personal discretion.
After another radio interview with media personalities Roger Grimsby and later Joe Franklin, and assurances, obtained by my doubting attorney from the Federal Government that only mass manufacture and transportation of nuclear weapons was (partially) regulated, we got serious.After all, on the show another attorney called in who pointed out that while capital (i.e big) weapons in the US Constitution are prohibited to the States, they are pointedly not so prohibited to the people, and there were many collectors of tanks, bombers and other items, defused of course, but easily re-commissioned—but beware, pistols were illegal in Manhattan. As were balloon bombs tossed from windows.
Thus, we were in business.
Libertarians supplying free or low-cost N-bombs to the US Government—why not?
- Ever helpful, the Department of Defense will be happy to tell you where to procure your Nuclear-Warhead-Manufacturing supplies.
Recently a woman was denied entry into a Graduate library program on the basis that she was a Libertarian. As movingly reported in this newpaper, in New Zealand one person has been denied entry on that basis. But there was no such repugnant official discrimination then, at least in weapons manufacture.I applied for and promptly received a DOD number from the Pentagon, endless invitations to Military Surplus auctions, all along with a packet of specifications stamped TOP SECRET in sinister candy striped boxes that, upon advice of my father, as a retired Pentagon and intelligence high official, I promptly and without opening got rid of in an incinerator.
- Need a Tax Shelter? The Government will subsidize your private home manufacture of Nuclear Warheads with generous tax breaks -- PROVIDED THAT you employ deaf, dumb, blind alcoholics in the production of your personal Neutron Bomb.
There was thus also the call of collective service. I received materials computer-addressed to "Dear Mr. Neutron" urging me to sign up for tax breaks in some Byzantine pro-disadvantaged and illiterate-minority hiring scheme of the City that, I must confess, after diligent re-reading, I never really quite understood. "The City of New York… believe we can encourage deaf, dumb, blind, alcohol-, controlled substance- or motor-dishabilatated (?) people who may not have reading or numeric skills in [here I presume the computer filled in a blank in the form-letter] home neutron-bomb industry with this tax advantaged initiative."Who was I to disagree with the City Fathers of the Mightiest Metropolis on Earth, by virtue of the UN presence, the very capital of the planet? They wanted those "blind blind-drunks" and folks who were "usually OK as long as they took their medication" sitting there next to me, cheek by jowl, as we crafted home N-bombs like a South Manhattan Santa with his whacked-out elves.
- But be advised -- if you are going to manufacture Nuclear Warheads in your basement, a Fireworks Permit WILL BE required.
But there was a mushroom cloud on the horizon. The attorney had said something along these lines, and I received a first warning from the City for having an illegal sign, was told I was not subject to most regulation as long as I was a sole proprietor and got a Fireworks permit, and, mercy, absolutely did not offer the chocolate for sale as a consumable.
- However, would-be private manufacturers of basement Neutron Bombs should be aware -- while the private manufacture and possession of Neutron Bombs is entirely Legal, the City Council of Chico, California will assess a $500 FINE for exploding a nuclear warhead within city limits.
As I circulated drafts of this article over several months for comment, a friend noted that the climate was indeed different—in a way.Chico, California, had passed a law— not against owning a Nuclear Bomb, not against building one, but exploding one in city limits. The fine is set at $500.
Call them up. They are very proud of this law.