[just deserts]

I can't find the entire song's lyrics, but here's the chorus to a song that directly makes fun of televangelists ( and justifiably so): Ray Stevens' "Would Jesus Wear a Rolex?"

Here's another one:

SEND ME YOUR MONEY
(lyrics by Mike Muir of Suicidal Tendencies)

Lights, camera, silence on the set
Tape rolling, 3-2-1-action
Welcome to the church of Suicidal
We'll have a service and wonderful recital
But before we go on, there's something I must mention
An important message I must bring to your attention
I was in meditation and prayer last night
I was awakened by a shining bright light
Over head, a glorious spirit
He gave me a message and you all need to hear it

"Send me your money", that's what he said
He said to "Send me your money"
Now if you can only send a dollar or two
There ain't a hell of a lot I can do for you
But, if you want to see heaven's door
Make a check out for five hundred or more
"Send me your money", do you here what I'm saying?
"Send me your money"

Now give me some bass, um yea that's how he likes it
Now give me some silence, for all you sinners
Now give me some bass, yea that was funky
Now take them on home Brother Clark, send me your ...money

Here comes another con hiding behind a collar
His only god is the almighty dollar
He ain’t no prophet, he ain’t no healer
He's just a two bit goddamn money stealer

Send me your money
Send it, you got to send it
Send me your money
You hear what I'm saying?
Send it, send it
Send me your money

Now how much you give is your own choice
But to me it's the difference between a Porsche and a Rolls Royce
I want you to make it hurt when you dig into your pocket
I want you to make it hurt!
We'll take cash, we'll take checks
We'll take credit cards, we'll take jewelry
We'll take your momma's dentures if they got gold in them
So whose gonna be the next king of the fakers
Whose gonna take the place of Jim and Tammy Faye Baker?
See my momma, she didn't raise no fool
Cause you can't put a price on a miracle
Amen

[OrthodoxPresbyterian]

"Alone" was Suicidal's best tune. (Just one fella's opinion, of course).

Shockingly, enough, Punk Rock is one of the few (modern) musical genres in which I would rank the dedicated "Contemporary Christian" artists as the equals of their "secular" rivals.

The very best of class being, of course, The Crucified. Here's their thoughts on Paul and Jan Crouch, et al (as well as the Pope... they are hardcore Protestants, after all)...

A Guy In A Suit And The Pope
by The Crucified
Words: Mark Salomon and Jim Chaffin
Music: Greg Minier
Running time: 1:42

MR PREACHER ON THE T.V. SCREEN
TELLS ME THAT HE KNOWS JUST WHAT I NEED
HE'S "BEEN THERE BEFORE...AND BACK AGAIN"
BUT WITH THAT FANCY SUIT I FIND IT HARD TO BELIEVE
SAYS THE LORD WILL BE SO FAITHFUL, HE'LL EVER PROTECT
AS LONG AS I'M FAITHFUL WITH MY MONTHLY CHECK
I'VE NEVER SENT HIM MY MONEY
PROBABLY NEVER WILL
GUESS THAT MEANS I LIVE MY LIFE ON THE EDGE!?!?
OH WELL.

PREACHER -- YOUR TIME WILL COME
YOU LEAD THE CHURCH ASTRAY FOR A STEADY INCOME
YOU CAN BET
GOD WON'T FORGET
BUT IF YOU'D LIKE I'D TIE A MILLSTONE AROUND YOUR NECK (MATT. 18:6)

HIS NOTHINGNESS ON A SIMPLE THRONE
CHRIST MEDIATES FOR GOD, AND CHRIST ALONE!!
ANOTHER MAN IN A RIDICULOUS HAT
HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR THE SEEDS HE'S SOWN
SO CANCEL THE TOURS AND THE MATERIAL THINGS;
THE PEOPLE BOWING TO YOU AND THEY'RE KISSING YOUR RINGS
GUIDE THEM TO THEIR KNEES AND SEEK FORGIVENESS TODAY
CAST NO DOUBT AS TO WHAT THEY NEED.

POPE JOHN -- YOUR TIME WILL COME
YOU LEAD THE CHURCH ASTRAY FOR A STEADY INCOME
YOU CAN BET
GOD WON'T FORGET
BUT IF YOU'D LIKE I'D TIE A MILLSTONE AROUND YOUR NECK (MATT. 18:6)
(guitar outro)

Crucified, 1989, self-titled. Check it, yo.

Best,
The Orthodox Presbyterian