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If I Don't Get My Steak In The Next 10 Minutes, The Terrorists Have Already Won (edited)
The Onion ^ | 7 November 2001 | Bernard Kloss

Posted on 11/12/2001 1:05:47 PM PST by Texaggie79

If I Don't Get My Medium-Rare Shell Steak With Roasted Vegetables In The Next 10 Minutes, The Terrorists Have Already Won

 
By Bernard Kloss

      Waitress, I realize you're very busy and, no doubt, you have a lot on your mind. God knows, everyone does these days. But what this country needs right now is a return to normalcy. We need to work, laugh, and eat the way we did before Sept. 11. That's why it's absolutely vital that I get my medium-rare shell steak with roasted vegetables in the next 10 minutes. Because if I don't, well, then the terrorists have already won.

      These are hard times for all of us. Some days, I can barely bring myself to send back my tuna sandwich for having too much mayo or too little tarragon. Yet to hang my head in defeat and eat a sandwich that fails to meet my personal specifications is exactly what they want us to do. They want us to give up and admit defeat. I don't know how you were raised, but when life deals me a blow, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and demand that the kitchen reheat my lobster bisque. That's the way I am, and I'm not going to let some fundamentalist wacko halfway around the world change that.

      You have to understand that keeping Americans from getting a finely marbled cut of tenderloin, de-boned and seared to perfection, in a timely manner is phase three of the terrorists' plan. The first was the destruction of our most powerful political and financial symbols. The second was to shake our confidence in our government's ability to protect us. The third is to prevent us from enjoying the high standards of service that customers here at Joe's Steak Pit have come to expect.

      Don't you realize that by giving me poor service, you're giving poor service to America itself? Until you can learn to get me a decently chilled Pinot Grigio, maybe you should take that American-flag pin off your apron. Your entire kitchen staff is making a mockery of everything those stars and stripes stand for. You should feel ashamed wearing such a pin. You should also comp us free desserts to make up for the long wait.

      At this crucial juncture in our nation's history, we have to come together as one. Only then do we stand a chance of getting through this. Also, we need a busboy over here ASAP to refill our water. If not, the fine line between quality service and chaos will not only be crossed, but stomped on. Without constant beverage refills, we might as well tear up the constitution and declare this great land of ours a theocratic dictatorship. Surely, the busboy understands the connection between prompt water refills and liberty, doesn't he? Perhaps you can remind him.

      Do you want the blood of our forefathers to have been spilled for nothing? Well, if you can't bring us the entrees we need to rebuild our strength as a nation in the next five minutes, you might as well move to Afghanistan and join in one of their American-flag-burning rallies. Because that's what you're really doing.

      I understand you got our appetizers to us relatively quickly, but that's only half the battle. Right now, you need to go to the waitress station and ask yourself some difficult questions. Namely, are you part of the problem or part of the solution?

      Also, we need some fresh rolls when you get a chance.


TOPICS: News/Current Events; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS:
AMEN!
1 posted on 11/12/2001 1:05:47 PM PST by Texaggie79
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To: sirgawain; StoneColdGOP; Victoria Delsoul; rockchalkjayhawk; Cool Guy
bling bling™
2 posted on 11/12/2001 1:07:06 PM PST by Texaggie79
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To: Texaggie79
and don't forget to think of the children.
3 posted on 11/12/2001 1:16:51 PM PST by SocialMeltdown
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To: Texaggie79
Heh heh... I like how this man thinks.

(By the way, the Lakers had been using your "bling bling", go sue 'em!)

4 posted on 11/12/2001 1:17:16 PM PST by StoneColdGOP
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To: Texaggie79
If it ain't Med-Well they have won!! LOL
5 posted on 11/12/2001 1:17:58 PM PST by Springman
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To: Texaggie79
Damn... I haven't eaten much today and suddenly I want a steak - NOW.
6 posted on 11/12/2001 1:18:31 PM PST by StoneColdGOP
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To: StoneColdGOP
Damn... I haven't eaten much today and suddenly I want a steak - NOW

I know (rumble,rumble,juice noise...) what you mean..."Wife!...where are you?!!".........guess I'll have to get it myself...(rumble,juice noise, rumble...)

FMCDH

7 posted on 11/12/2001 1:33:09 PM PST by nothingnew
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To: nothingnew
guess I'll have to get it myself

Same here, no wife (yet). Gotta settle for lasagna and chicken and taquitos from Marie Callendar, the Gorton's fisherman, Budget Gourmet, etc.

8 posted on 11/12/2001 3:44:38 PM PST by StoneColdGOP
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To: StoneColdGOP
Alert: Jamie Luner is on the Drew Carey rerun on in syndication today...out
9 posted on 11/12/2001 3:50:37 PM PST by NeoCaveman
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To: StoneColdGOP
Same here, no wife (yet). Gotta settle for lasagna and chicken and taquitos from Marie Callendar, the Gorton's fisherman, Budget Gourmet, etc.

Get a wife...a good one...(only took me 3 tries...BWAHAHAHAHA!!!)...but the food you quote ain't all that bad...I know.

FMCDH

10 posted on 11/12/2001 4:59:52 PM PST by nothingnew
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To: Texaggie79
FARM SCENE: Beef Marketers Pushing a New Kind of Steak After Intense Study and Chewing - from Tampa Bay Online





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FARM SCENE: Beef Marketers Pushing a New Kind of Steak After Intense Study and Chewing

Published: Nov 7, 2001

OMAHA, Neb. (AP) - It started with a search for a cut of beef as tasty and tender as the choicest steak, yet affordable enough for the average family to eat every day.

Researchers soon discovered the flat iron.

The steak, cut from deep within the shoulder muscle known as the chuck, is rather tender considering it has little fat. It tastes like a New York strip but costs about half as much as a choice filet or strip.

The cut was discovered during a three-year study by the University of Nebraska's Institute of Agriculture and Natural Resources and the University of Florida.

What researchers came up with was not just one new cut of beef, but five, from the chuck and round sections - cheaper parts of the animal usually used for inexpensive roasts, stew pieces and ground beef.

The hope is the new steaks will increase the value of beef for everyone from producers to retailers. At the same time, industry officials say, consumers will have a high-quality product that falls somewhere between high-priced steaks and relatively cheap boneless chicken.

Two new cuts found in the chuck, called tender medallions and ranch cut steaks, can be marketed at a price competitive with pork and chicken. Two other cuts, the sirloin tip and western griller steaks, come from the round - the cow's hindquarters.

But the flat iron is getting most of the industry's attention.

"I can't believe we haven't sold this steak before," said Carl Blackwell, director of new product development with the National Cattlemen's Board Association in Chicago. "It's amazing how we've overlooked these steaks since ... well, the beginning of time, I guess."

Old habits are hard to break, however, and meat cutting has been done the same way for generations. Some enterprising butchers, however, say they've been offering the flat iron cut for years.

"I call it a Swiss steak," said Roy Toy with Leon's Food Mart in Lincoln, who said he came up with the cut while experimenting on a carcass. "It's not new, it's just that other retailers will sell them under different names ... butter steak or griller."

Many of those cuts are close, Beef Council members say, but not quite the same as the flat iron. They said it takes special training to learn to get around layers of thick, tough connective tissue to get the cut.

"We've created the encyclopedia of knowledge about the muscles of the beef chuck and round," University of Nebraska meat scientist Chris Calkins said. "The whole point is that there are muscles that were probably being ground or used in other products that had a lot more value than what was being recognized."

Grocery stores have not yet started offering the new cuts under the Beef Council's marketing names, since meat processors and grocery store butchers must first learn how to cut the new steaks.

"It's rather labor-intensive," said Klaus Brotzki with Aksarben Beef, which sells meat to eastern Nebraska restaurants.

Brotzki attended a recent Nebraska Beef Council workshop on the University of Nebraska's Lincoln campus that demonstrated how to carve out the new cuts. While they may not be easy to find, they're tasty enough to try, he said.

"Everywhere I go, people ask me, 'What do you hear about this flat iron steak?'" he said.

Selected restaurants on the East Coast that are sampling the flat iron are beginning to clamor for the new cut.

Michael J. Beriau, top chef at Dole and Bailey Inc. of Woburn, Mass., began experimenting with the flat iron about three years ago at the request of the National Beef Council. He liked it so much, he had his in-house butchers begin cutting the steak for his clients.

"We've gone from selling 200 pounds a week to 2,200 pounds a week of the flat iron," he said. "People love it. They get a fantastic, tasty, tender steak. And they don't have to pay as much for it."

--- On the Net:

National Cattlemen's Beef Association: http://www.beef.org

Cattlemen's Beef Promotion and Research Board: http://www.beefboard.org

AP-ES-11-07-01 0207EST



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11 posted on 11/12/2001 5:12:35 PM PST by Terrorista Nada
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To: Texaggie79
Without constant beverage refills, we might as well tear up the constitution and declare this great land of ours a theocratic dictatorship. Surely, the busboy understands the connection between prompt water refills and liberty, doesn't he? Perhaps you can remind him.

LOL. Thank you!©

12 posted on 11/12/2001 5:23:26 PM PST by Victoria Delsoul
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To: Texaggie79
Erroneously re-posted here, due to your FAILURE to include the words "MEDIUM RARE" in the title.

If You Can't Learn To Include The Maximum Number Of Allowed Words In Your Thread Titles, The Terrorists Have Already Won.

13 posted on 11/13/2001 1:04:13 PM PST by Silly
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To: Silly
So how did you find this thread?
14 posted on 11/13/2001 5:06:37 PM PST by Texaggie79
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