Don't Have A Cow Over This- Humor Break

[zencycler]

RICHARD GERE: You have 9 cows and 1 bull. But then, a series of tragedies occur over the next 3 days. On the first day, 2 of your cows are killed by a group of Islamic radicals. The next day you see a group of wiccan feminists castrating, torturing and killing your bull. And on the 3rd day, an IRS auditor confiscates 3 of your cows, leaving you with only 4 cows and no bull (well, not in bovine sense of the word). Despite your grossly unfair treatment, on the 4th day you hold a press conference to say how badly you feel about the tormented souls of those who have killed or taken your livestock. So you donate 1 cow to the terrorists, 1 to the feminists, and 1 to the government, leaving you only 1 cow. The next day, at breakfast, you read about Al Gore's missing cow on your milk carton (see post #36), so you send him your last cow. You and your pet gerbil named Dingleberry move to Tibet. Life is good.

[Orion]

OAKLAND A'S: You have the most productive, leanest, meanest cows year after year. After you crush the competition in the regular milking season, you start the post milking season in a VERY strong fashion by spanking the other strongest cows. Then for no reason, you just quit producing milk, roll over, and die. Your strong cows go on to other farms and produce record milk for another ten milking seasons. You rebuild with new cows that outproduce their higher paid counterparts.

Season after season, the pattern repeats...at least Rodger Clemens can't beat you in any of the years.

1988, 1990, 2000, 2001

[Orion]

THE CLINTON FUNDRAISER: You have cows that produce milk for the Clintons, year after year. When you discover that the Clintons are also taking milk from Communist China in exchange for the latest in milking technology, you and all your cows die in a plane crash or commit suicide.

[Orion]

THE SOUTH AFRICAN FARMER: You and someone else share your farm. You have the majority of the cows, but your partner produces almost all the milk. He does not treat you as well as the farmers treat your cousins in America, but still treats you better than anywhere else on the planet. You get the farmers in America and the UK to support the ousting of your partner. All his productive cows go to the farms in the US, UK, Australia, and Canada. You start to starve and still say that it is your ex-partner's fault. Everyone feels better.

[unending thunder]

ROUMANIAN COW FARMER - First you steal two cows.

GEORGE BUSH - He has cows but all his friends call 'em steers.This puzzles him because he thinks that's the circular thing on the dashboard you use to point your car to go places.

HILARY - She IS a cow

GARY CONDIT - He's just BS.

[Orion]

JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT: You have two beautiful cows, and everyone wonders if they are real.

[wingnuts'nbolts]

Not very funny.

[lafroste]

PETA: You have two cows. They cannot help but produce milk, but it would be exploitive to actually milk them so their udders become inflamed and infected. The constant mooing of cows in agony finally drives you to seek competant vetrinary assistence to help the poor cows that you refuse to exploit by milking. The vet sees no chance for the cows and you reluctantly have to shoot them. fortunately, you can point with pride to the fact that your two dead cows were never exploited by humans and were ultimately of no value whatsoever.

[kassie]

You all are sooo funny.

[cuz_it_aint_their_money]

BARNEY FRANK: You have two cows. Life is good.

Correction:
BARNEY FRANK: You have two bulls. Life is good.

[Lotabrain]

ATLANTA BRAVES

You have a fair regular milking season, just being able to produce more milk than the Mets. You have an excellent Divisional milk run and for many years a great League milk series. Your cows are then milked by the Yankees, who bought the best cows from a poor National Bovine league herd. In addition, the Yankee herd is inspired by the Mad Cow Disease inflicted on one of their cows.

[That Poppins Woman]

A PRO-DRUG WAR IDIOT: You have two cows. You're afraid that somewhere, someone may be growing and consuming a consensual, harmless drug. So you spray your cows, your lands, your streams, your neighbors' lands and bulls and streams with a lethal pesticide. All cows and bulls die. The land will not grow food anymore. The water is unfit to drink. And you and your neighbors have all been made sterile and impotent; your children have brain cancer and lukemia; and the onset of Alzeheimer's has begun. But, by God, you have foiled the efforts of the nasty pot smokers!!!

[Badray]

Ping for your Monday afternoon laugh.

[skraeling]

This thread is WAY too good to let it stop here.

[zencycler]

Oh yes - I stand corrected about Barney. Definitely 2 bulls - probably 2 underage bulls! Thanks.

[Orion]

Bump

[Orion]

The search for Al Gore's cow (see post #13) goes on. It was last reported to be on Hitlery Clinton's farm, but left in a hurry around the eleventh of September. It was rumored to be heading for St. Louis, MO. Right now, it appears to not have a home.

If you, or anyone else you know, has information on the whereabouts of Al Gore's cow, please call DEM-STOPPERS at 1-800-GOP-2004. You should not attempt to apprehend or approach the cow. It should be considered dumb and dangerous. We do know that it is spreading BS around the country in search of a home.

[Orion]

BARNEY FRANK: You have bulls escorting male calfs in and out of your house all day and night. You claim you know nothing about the activity.

[Orion]

bump

[mountaineer]

What was that, a double espresso?