Posted on 03/07/2025 8:49:52 PM PST by fireman15
Some people are more independent and self sufficient than others, not everyone wants to hire servants to take care of them, not everyone even wants such people as part of their lives and some people want to live their own personal lives as much as possible, even in old age, and she was only 63.
Kudos to you and everyone who is a caregiver.
Most people have no choice but to be the sole caregiver with no help.
And, sometimes, they want no outside help because they don’t trust anyone else.
I understand completely. I don’t trust outsiders, either.
But, now, we see what can happen if someone else isn’t checking in.
Your post describes most of us. If I were wealthy, I wouldn’t have servants or housekeepers, either.
But, in this case, he was 95 and he had Alzheimer’s. And they lived in a big home in a desert.
She must have believed she had many healthy years ahead of her, but caregivers get sick, too.
Especially since money was not an issue and they lived in a gated community. Having a second pair of hands to help with daily household chores would seem reasonable.
What is surprising is that his wife didn’t hire someone to help care for him.
Especially since money was not an issue and they lived in a gated community. Having a second pair of hands to help with daily household chores would seem reasonable.
It only seems reasonable if the person suffering from dementia agrees that is reasonable.
And that’s the crux of the problem.
If Hackman was still considered competent, then the family was hamstrung.
That said, if I were the family, I’d be getting a second opinion on the coroners report.
Because it’s Santa Fe.
Right - Hackman died of neglect because he had Alzheimers and, after his wife died, no one checked in on him and he couldn’t take care of himself. The heart disease kicked in because of that.
This story amazes me because Hackman was worth a fortune. You’d think that he would have had a nurse coming in once every day or two to take care of him in his condition.
Quit bein a pain
From spamming the threads to now spamming me, you had already responded to that post yesterday.
My husband and I took care of his dad with dementia on our own for 5 years. I consider it an honor and privilege to have done so, and made his final years as comfortable and loving as we could, in our home, surrounded by family. We didn’t hire help until I absolutely couldn’t do it anymore (the last 7 months)
But, when he was at the stage of not being able to fix food or know how take medicine was the same stage he absolutely would not have known how to call 911. Life alerts were useless because he didn’t remember to push a button. Anyway, that stage was not hard for me to take care of him and there was no need for a nurse or caregiver.
It wasn’t until he was immobile, fought me with diaper changes and baths, required a hoyer lift, etc, that we hired part time help.
I sense that Hackman was not so severe she needed help yet, but still at a stage he was unable to care for himself. I mean her getting sick like that is a crazy thing and really tragic. It’s not like she ignored a long drawn out illness, she probably thought she had the flu. Idk why people are judging her or him.
His kids, well, that doesn’t surprise me. My husband’s sister called her dad once in 5 years, and his brother visited twice (he did call periodically). That’s the part that really stinks. It almost always end up being one family member who bears the brunt of caregiving and the rest just kind of disappear. Of course they all manage to show up for the estate stuff, really ugly stuff there.
Anyway, the whole thing is just so sad.
“”””But, when he was at the stage of not being able to fix food or know how take medicine was the same stage he absolutely would not have known how to call 911. Life alerts were useless because he didn’t remember to push a button. Anyway, that stage was not hard for me to take care of him and there was no need for a nurse or caregiver.””””
Yup. That’s where I am with my son. He once had a brilliant mind but now can’t remember that I made him breakfast this morning. He is not really difficult to take care of but he needs constant supervision. People can’t understand it unless they have been through it. And as far as other people go........ When the going gets tough people don’t know what to do or say so they stay away. And then at the funeral they always say you know you can count on me for anything. Yeah, sure.
AT her age, she was still capable.
NEVER would have thought about her getting hantavirus
If reports are accurate that the home had a doggy door, I could see how mice got into the home and potentially nested in a closet. My parents live in flyover country near a wooded area. Years ago when I was a teen I pulled my winter boots out of the third floor bedroom closet(partial attic conversion). There were several pieces of dog food in the bottom of one of my boots and we didn't have doggy doors...
Agreed. Or, maybe arrange for someone to simply check in daily, if only through phone calls.
Everyone I know who’s a caregiver has family members who either live with them or check in frequently.
Quiet you
I’m sorry you are going through this with your son 🙏
I don’t know how people can live with themselves. My brothers did the same when my mom was dying. Neither of them saw her the last month of her life and one lived in the same neighborhood! He was her favorite child, too. It all makes me so sad.
To this day, my younger son (22) won’t go to church because he is still angry at the hypocrisy of my husband’s siblings. They are both in ministry but did not minister to their mother, father or to my husband during all this (his mom died of cancer, which is when we took over his care but for a while we were caring for both). I can’t say I blame him, but I’m hoping he will have others come into his life who live their faith, not just lip service. But I digress…
Maybe they just didn't want a bunch of strangers in their home, particularly as he was a famous celebrity in his final stages of dementia. They didn't want some nurse they didn't know rummaging through their stuff and leaking stories to the press "Hollywood legend Gene Hackman can't remember his own name and now craps his pants."
Anyways, his wife was perfectly capable of being his caretaker up until the point she, without warning, contracted hantavirus and deteriorated very quickly.
*****Maybe they just didn’t want a bunch of strangers in their home, particularly as he was a famous celebrity in his final stages of dementia. They didn’t want some nurse they didn’t know rummaging through their stuff and leaking stories to the press “Hollywood legend Gene Hackman can’t remember his own name and now craps his pants.”*****
If we are going to speculate about why they didn’t have servants, besides the simple reasons of they didn’t want or need them, then you make a good point.
They may have had staff in the past and often had problems finding/keeping good ones and quit bothering with it, or they may have been temporarily in-between staff for any reason.
Personally I think their deaths were not that dramatic or especially unpleasant, the coincidence was unusual, but not a particularly bad way to go for either one of them as individuals, her death at 63 was probably a surprise to her and his heart attack at 95 was a common way to go.
We have wetlands... a giant swamp behind us which is a perfect breeding ground for rodents. Sometimes it seems like we are making progress keeping them under control, but they always make a comeback sooner or later.
People here who assume that people who have issues with mice and other rodents have a cleanliness problem mostly just do not live in a place where there are ongoing issues. Where we live if there is a vulnerability, a way into your house rodents will find it. We are able to keep our house sealed up enough to keep rodents out, but our garage and airplane hangar are another game altogether.
I grew up on acreage. Some of it was wetlands and we were never able to completely keep rodents out of our barns and other outbuildings. Like you said we had an “ongoing abatement effort” to try and keep them under control at all times.
When we had a doggie door, numerous uninvited guests came into our house. We came home and found stray cats, racoons, squirrels, lizards and even a woodpecker in our house. Ours had a magnet on it designed to make it hard for mice to push open, but other animals and probably a mouse or two found a way in through it.
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