“This is Bill Smith, roving reporter for WHGT, reporting live from the latest mass shooting here at Andrews AFB. Here comes someone running from the base now... Sir! Sir! Please tell us what is happening on the base.”
(Running Man): “A man pulled a pistol and just started shooting at people.”
“Sir, was he using an AR-15 military assault weapon?”
(RM): “No, no, it was a pistol.”
“But Sir, how can you be sure? Have you had weapons training? Can you be sure it wasn’t an AR-15?”
(RM): “Yes...I mean no. I mean, no, I haven’t had weapons training, but yes, I’m sure it wasn’t an AR-15.”
“You sound confused, sir. Was the gun black?”
(RM): “Yes.”
“Did it have a pistol-grip handle?”
(RM): “Well, uh, yes.”
“Did you see the shooter change ammunition clips?”
(RM): “Uh, one time I think.”
“There you have it folks. An active shooter using a weapon remarkably similar to the popular AR-15 assault weapon preferred by homegrown terrorists and NRA members, using high capacity clips to murder innocent civilians.”
“This is Bill Smith turning it back over to the studio. Be sure to tune in later this evening, at 7pm, to watch our special “Why AR-15 owners hate the government, non-white people, and kittens”.”