Posted on 02/07/2015 9:37:08 PM PST by 2ndDivisionVet
Polygamy is often seen as the end of a happy marriage, but it need not be that at all. Take it from me, I’m a happily married first wife and I’m friend with my co-wife, Masha’ Allah; in fact she’s sitting in the same room while I’m typing this. Polygamy can work if the husband and both or all wives go about it in the right way.
I have heard many horror stories about polygamy gone very wrong, and in all those cases, at least one person in the marriage was not following the Qur’an and Sunnah, usually the husband. Polygamy requires us to adhere to everything that Allah has taught us about marriage, and to follow the example of Muhammad and his wives.
This is the foundation upon which any marriage, monogamous or polygamous, is built, but with polygamy, it’s even more critical. Without this foundation, it isn’t going to succeed. While polygamy is frequently seen as benefiting the husband to the detriment of the wives, the reality is that it’s far more difficult for the husband. He has to not only fulfill the rights of both wives and support both families financially and emotionally, he has to juggle his time between them, settle any disputes and difficulties that arise, and all the while ensure that he’s being just and fair.
The penalty for him failing to treat his wives equally is being raised up on the day of Judgment with half his body paralyzed. The Qur’an strongly warns men that if they can’t be just between their wives, they are truly better off with only one. For men that take Islam seriously, polygamy is a huge and weighty responsibility and it’s an arduous task to get it right.
Meanwhile, each wife has no more responsibility than a monogamously married wife, and in some cases (e.g. where the wives choose to share accommodation) they can end up with a lot less responsibility than monogamous wives, as they share the running of the household and help each other out with the children.
Sharing love
One of the biggest fears women have of polygamy comes from a misunderstanding about the nature of love. Love is seen as something finite which has to be shared between people, so if a man takes a second wife, it’s assumed that he must love his first wife less because of it. The truth is that love is infinite and does not need to be shared between people. Just as when a mother has a second child she still loves her first child as much as ever, when a man takes a second wife he still loves his first wife just as much.
Good Muslim men who choose polygamy do so because they truly want to love and protect two or more women. If he really didn’t love the first, divorcing her then remarrying is a much easier option for him both financially and emotionally than having two wives.
Sharing time
What you share in polygamy is your husband’s time. Whether spending less time with your husband is a goodthing or a bad thing depends on your outlook. Of course, it’s natural to want to spend plenty of time with people you love, but we also need time for ourselves.
On the days when he’s with his other wife, there is no benefit in sitting around missing him. Instead, treat it as a time for you, and a chance to enjoy things that married women find it hard to make time for.
On your nights with him, you have a husband to share your bed with; on the other nights you get the whole bed to yourself and can snuggle up with a good book and have some “me time”. Plan your evenings when you’re not with him to do things that you enjoy, so you look forward to your evenings without him as much as your evenings with him.
Co-wife rivalry
Try not to see your co-wife as a rival. Instead, try to focus on strengthening your relationship with your husband. If you don’t feel secure in your relationship, then it’s only natural that you’d see the other wife as a threat. If you are sure of your relationship with your husband, then ask yourself why you feel threatened, and remind yourself of what you have.
If your husband is going to love you and stand by you no matter what, then what can she take from you? A useful piece of advice I heard from a brother is “the insecurity of the first wife is that the second wife is her replacement and he doesn’t love her any more. The insecurity of the second wife is that the first wife is his first love and he’ll never love her as much as he loves his first.” This reminds us that the other wife has her own doubts, and to see clearly what we have instead. Look at why your husband loves you and try not to dwell on what he may or may not feel about her.
No love triangles in Islam
Focus on your relationship with your husband as a single entity, disconnected from his other marriage. Islamic polygamy is not a triangular relationship; his marriage with you and his marriage with your co-wife are two separate relationships. You are not obliged to have anything to do with your co-wife, but if the two of you choose to be friends, then that’s a third and discrete relationship. This means when you’re with him, the two of you need to act like the other wife doesn’t exist.
Enjoy your time with your husband and do all the same things a monogamous couple would do together. If you are friends with your co-wife, don’t discuss your husband when you’re together, and spend time with her when he’s not around.
Tackling jealousy
Jealousy is best tackled by focusing on what you have. “Jealousy is when you count someone else’s blessings instead of your own,” (anon). If you feel jealous about anything, ask yourself if it’s over something that you really want, or whether you desire it simply because your co-wife has it. If it’s the latter, then try to forget about it and remind yourself that you don’t actually want it. If it’s something you really want, then focus on how you can get it for yourself because you would like it, not because she has it. If it’s the relationship you’re jealous of, concentrate on building your own relationship with your husband as though she’s not in the picture.
If you feel that he loves her more than you, then maybe he isn’t giving you enough attention or affection, and frame this as a problem in your own relationship that you need to talk to him about and resolve, rather than as a problem with your co-wife. These things won’t eliminate jealousy altogether, but they should minimize it. Remember that even ‘A’isha had times when she was jealous of Muhammad’s other wives, and even broke a plate because of it.
When things go wrong
If your husband is not dividing up his time fairly, or not fulfilling your rights in Islam then he is the guilty party so don’t blame your co-wife for this. This applies whether it’s something minor or very serious. Speak to him about the problem and tell him how you feel.
If he’s a good husband, he’ll do something to rectify the situation. If he doesn’t and you’re having significant problems in your marriage because of it, then you need to go about dealing with it in the same way you would if you were monogamously married.
Marriages fail either because one partner is not fulfilling the rights of the other (or worse, abusing the other), or because the two partners are not compatible. This is the same in monogamy and polygamy. Relationships fail sometimes in spite of one or both partners putting in their best efforts, and that’s why divorce is halal.
Sometimes men try to fix a failing monogamous marriage by taking a second wife – in my opinion this is like trying to put out a fire in the living room by starting another fire in the kitchen. Other men want all the benefits of polygamy but refuse to accept any of the responsibility and end up treating their wives very badly. There are some situations where staying in a marriage is not in anyone’s best interests. If you find yourself in such a situation, then you do need to know when to call it a day.
An important thing to remember is not to blame polygamy itself for the marriage failure. The failure is due to incompatibility, or one partner systematically failing to fulfill their responsibilities to the other. Polygamy, when done according to the Qur’an and Sunnah can work and indeed be beneficial to the wives, and it’s my opinion that it doesn’t need to be feared.
We should fear Allah, and be good spouses to each other. We should remember to show our husbands our appreciation of them and all that they do for us, and they need to do the same for us. This is the key to a happy marriage, whether polygamous or monogamous. Insha Allah, by following the advice above, this happiness can be maintained in a polygamous marriage, despite the specific challenges this type of relationship may bring.
“Co-wife”. That’s a degrading term if I’ve ever heard one.
Sorry, I’m too busy laughing.
You seem to have a focus on this subject. I kindly remind that polygamy is logically and morally unhealthy.
Since men and women are born in equal proportions, polygamy creates an imbalance that results in a) many single, angry men, and b) women that get treated like possessions. Children get hurt too - it is hard enough for a man to be a good father to one wife’s children, let alone two or more!
It is far better to remember what Christ had to say on the subject of matrimony & sex partners (to the woman at the well), as well as the example His family (Mary & Joseph, albeit as step-dad) presented to the world.
If you think this isn’t “right around the corner” now that “gay marriage” is almost universal in this country, you’re deluding yourself. I am trying to get people thinking ahead to what’s coming rather than bury their heads in the sand and chanting “La-la-la-la, can’t hear you” when the subject comes up. Once the Supreme Court makes “gay marriage” federal, there’ll be a lawsuit for polygamy introduced, probably the same day. I also “focus” on 3D printing, although I’m not a techie and will probably never own one.
I would agree...threesome marriages will be legal in at least one state by 2025, and in twenty states by 2030. In fact, I don’t see how you can prevent foursome or fivesome marriages now. I even have doubts that you can prevent cousins marrying.
Most states will have adapted by 2020 to marijuana sales in some fashion. There’s virtually no way of preventing it.
There’s virtually no limit anymore.
Contrast “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”
Interesting how this is always the randy male taking on multiple females, whether it’s Mormon or muzzie or bizarro cult. How come Mashallafallaballadalla can’t have two hubbies? Just sayin’
Didn’t read the whole thing. Polygamy is practiced in western culture too. I used to date a woman who was a former member of a polygamist marriage. It seems to be catching on more with the younger generation. And no, I do not condone polygamy.
I think you’re an optimist as far as your time line goes. I’ll bet you a medium-priced steak dinner that there will be at least one state with legal polygamy by December 31, 2017.
I imagine it’s easier for the wives to get along after they’ve all been genitally mutilated and had clitorectomies.
Heck; all it would take is another Roe v. Wade, only this time instead of the USSC handing out the edict that a State cannot prohibit abortion (by viewing it as murder) that the States cannot restrict the natural rights of people to marry the one(s) they love
(or some similar BS).
Oh wow, what if ONE has that and one gets to enjoy herself?!!
OK.
Bat, meet wasp nest. Swing away!
‘Adults’ who have fallen into this crap can barely navigate a way out but for the Grace of God, the children born into such...
A “survival guide” is only necessary if you are in situations where your survival is precarious, yes?
The question is this...if you opened the door to threesome marriages or polygamy....how many folks would show up in the next month to get a license and married in such a fashion? I think this is the curious part of the approaching evolution.
In Utah....maybe a hundred such marriages would occur in the first month...but what about states like Florida?
Polyandry still goes on in parts of India and Tibet, reportedly.
My comment is: I think it’s the next thing to come down the marital turnpike.
The courts haven’t ruled for polygamists the way they have for gay marriage supporters, but the impact of opening the door to what can be defined as marriage has consequences beyond the courtroom. If I was a polygamist, I’d say “hey, if two men can be defined as married, then why not a man and two women? Love is Love, right?”
Furthermore, if I were a polygamist, I’d have all the ammo I needed to shoot down most any argument but the moral one against me. For example, if they say it’s an unhealthy lifestyle? I could come right back with “not nearly as unhealthy as that of many gay men, who are allowed to marry.” And so on.
Once something as permanent and unchanging as the definition of marriage is changed, it loses its taboo of “we can’t go there as a society”, and it’s open to reinterpretation by whatever group seeks to add themselves to that definition.
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