30 Is the New 50: Old Age Is Killing My Dating Life

Time ^ | September 23, 2014 | Jenny Bahn

[NCjim]

“You know,” he says. “It’s tough for people our age.”

It’s 1 a.m. on a Monday, and I am currently on the phone having an argument with a guy I’d been on only four dates with, three of them good. One of them—the last—was less good, given he had gone MIA for the better part of three weeks and I had a sneaking suspicion he had a girlfriend.

We hadn’t slept together, but the kisses had been the type of kisses you walk away from with shaky knees and blind hope. There was something there, and we both knew it, which is why we were attempting to hash things out over the phone at some ungodly hour. Because at our age, we’re adults, and things matter more. The mistakes leave marks.

Alex is 38. I’m 30. Technically, there are no “people our age.” But I’m starting to feel that a 30-year-old woman might as well be a 40-year-old man, though infinitely less desirable, culturally speaking.

[riri]

Wow, it's sad when women find out everything the left has been feeding them their whole lives is a big lie.

But, it's also gratifying as I know many of these types of women. They deserve it.

[PapaBear3625]

It’s this logic that has most of my 30-something guy friends dating girls fresh out of college. Girls who, in my experience, are less impressive, less striving, less volatile, less successful, less intimidating, less questioning, less pressing, less complex, less damaged, less opinionated, less powerful, less womanly. They are less, and, to a guy not ready for anything—like most of the guys I have dated in New York—less is more.

This is the key point here. She's upset that successful 30-something guys (the only guys she thinks are good enough for her) are going for 20-something women to marry and bear their children.

News-flash honey: given the option, guys tend to want healthy, fit women with their prime child-bearing years ahead of them, not behind them. Your career is not as important to them as whether you are enjoyable company.

As you pass 30, a woman's options shrink. Prince Charming is going to look for the nicest girl he can catch.

In the marriage market place, as in the job market and other scenarios, your choices are limited to the those who do not have better options than you. Recognize that before your market value drops further.

[PapaBear3625]

Older women are far more desirable than younger ones. I don’t get it. Young women are often clueless in the bedroom.

For a one-night stand, that makes sense.

For a long-term relationship, you get to teach the young woman how to do it the way you want, and don't have to un-teach all the things their prior 23 boyfriends taught them.

[PapaBear3625]

She’s hot. Very attractive.

The problem is, you just KNOW she will not be satisfied with anyone not model-handsome or not making a high-six-figure income.

[PapaBear3625]

And a lot of those “I’ll focus on career until 30 something and then man-hunt and have a baby or two” find that they’ve lost the game of musical chairs - they are still standing. Her possible number of partners has dropped, while the number of possible partners for him has grown.

I told my daughter: "Find your husband before 25, when your market value is at its highest". Amazingly, she took my advice.

[a fool in paradise]

You are right. Men want to marry a partner and a lover and a companion, not a competitor and an adversary. It's so simple really. No sensible man will marry and settle down for the long haul with someone who has a chip on her shoulder.

Dennis Prager has an hour long segment on his program every week called the Male Female hour where he talks about and fields calls about relationships.

One of the topics that gets covered sometimes (and can be heard in a bumper audio snippet, I think from Spencer Tracy) is along the lines "I'm looking for a partner, not a competitor, competitor!"

[a fool in paradise]

she writes about men because she is the victim of men! men!! —being men!! the horror!! i hereby predict that this woman is a lesbian in the making, because she has gone public with her overt distaste for men being (oh-my-goodness) men!

She's a former model and between the blase reaction from the homosexuals in the industry, the cattiness from the women in the industry, and the lecherousness from the heterosexual men in the industry, she probably has a warped (or at least niche) view of the world.

[a fool in paradise]

This woman is crazy for even attempting to continue a relationship with a man who spends his time talking on the phone about his wonderful other girlfriend. The twenty something girls are crazy because they are giving themselves away for free. Both groups of women need major doses of self respect.

Maybe she had some unrealistic perceptions/expectations.

She said they had 3 dates (non-sexual) before she got worried that she was losing him. Were they already going "steady"

Would she be jealous of the woman at the next table interviewing him for 5 minutes if they were at a "speed dating" event and talked earlier in the evening?

I know a friend who was talking to a girl through a free dating site. She was enthusiastic and sounded like they were a real good match (they'd talked online but hadn't met). I don't recall if he delayed a day in responding to a meetup request or if he already had plans (say an event ticket, concert, etc.). Within a day she said she was already seeing someone else (agains, STEADY? EXCLUSIVE?). This isn't playing the field, this is being non-committal until at least you've personally met one on one.

Would anyone unemployed tell all other prospective employers, I'm sorry I can't interview with you right now, I'm waiting for a call back to see someone else?

[PapaBear3625]

Would anyone unemployed tell all other prospective employers, I'm sorry I can't interview with you right now, I'm waiting for a call back to see someone else?

From reading of historical novels, it seemed that, before a century ago, a girl could have multiple men competing for her hand at the same time. There would be no sex until marriage, and no exclusivity until engagement.

The above seems like a good way to arrange things. A girl would get a realistic idea of her choices, and could pick whoever seemed most agreeable.

These days, a woman will get dated by men who have no intention of marriage. She will get a very unrealistic idea of her "marriage market value" because she gets dates from men who are out of her league, but are willing to take her out when they don't have anybody better to sleep with that night, and who have no interest in being exclusively hers.

[roadcat]

Young people today often have no reason to get married because children aren’t part of their future (for various reasons they give). If my wife didn’t want children I wouldn’t have bothered marrying her; the two go hand-in-hand.

I thought I would be going out on a limb, saying marriage is only for the children. And you said it. It's true. If not for children, then it had better be true love that's lasting. If both the man and woman don't want children, then the motive is often financial security and not true love, not a solid foundation for staying together. The people I know who are marrying while old are each financially secure. Others I know who are not, carp about each other.

We got married young; my wife was 21 and I was 23, this after we went steady four years. We were both poor but knew we wanted children. Been together 44 years and enjoy our grandchildren. Best thing was marrying young - and wanting kids.

[T-Bone Texan]

Wow Jim, I clicked on your link and took an entire day reading all about that topic, and related areas of "game" and the idea of never complimenting a woman lest she become arrogant.

There is a lot to digest there. I digested it.

[Lizavetta]

At the wise old divorced age of 49, I’ve finally discovered one of the great secrets of life and happiness. It’s better to be treated like a boyfriend than a husband.

That goes the other way too (girlfriend rather than wife). I think consciously or subconsciously people quit trying and stop courting after marriage. Not all, but enough.

[Waryone]

I’m not faulting the man for playing the field. Men think they can get away with it and that is part of my point. They can get away with it as long as women have so little respect for themselves that they give their bodies away for free. If men knew they could not count on getting their way so easily, they would be a lot more attentive.

I do have a problem with the amount of time this woman spent listening to that fellow wax on about how wonderful he feels this other girl he currently dating happens to be. Why should she discuss anything about that girl with him? If he likes her so much, let him have her. He’s obviously a waste of her time. If she had any respect for herself, she’d see that and just hang up the phone.

[mad_as_he$$]

Tranny? Did he say tranny?

[a fool in paradise]

She's still thinking of what might have been. I had great phone interviews with great potential employers who told me they'd get back to me in 5-10 days and then ducked my calls.

Life goes on.

[a fool in paradise]

Archie and Reggie would both fight over the possibility of going out with Veronica (who gladly played them off one another).

[Waryone]

Hopefully, if the potential employers had gotten back to you, they wouldn’t have spent their time bragging about how much better the person they actually hired was compared to you and you wouldn’t have wasted time discussing the matter with them.

Just a ‘Thank you for letting me know the position has been filled.’ /end of call

[a fool in paradise]

I get rejection notices from the people who never interview me. The others just kinda fade out. And I do reconnect to them. Maybe on occasion they respond but not often.

And yeah, if he moved on, he doesn’t need to go into detail about his next find.

She runs a blog about people dating (which has been turned into a book which has been optioned for a film or tv show). She needs to focus on her own relationship and not exploit it. Who wants to date the girl who’s writing her own Sex In The City column?

[kearnyirish2]

Congratulations; I married at 25 and our children are too young to be parents yet. If people don’t want children that is their choice; I think the older people I know that are getting married just don’t want to be alone (and that’s their choice).

I couldn’t imagine having kids later in life (with midnight feedings and such); definitely a younger person’s job...

[Kackikat]

The man in the story: I would run over you if I were looking for a man, because CHARACTER you do not have, and if you are like the man in the story, you too.

Thankfully, I married a man with an honorable character and will remain with him until the end of whichever life goes first. Love and romance is not about looks, that is only lust. No doubt the man will end up impotent since less than beautiful turns him on. What beautiful girl wants an impotent old balding man who only has money.

Sadly, the man in the story’s money could disappear easily through bad investments or theft in a flash. The woman is better off without him at any age....and should look for a man who actually thinks with his brain and not his penis.