Most men simply think in a different way than most women. It’s wired into us from thousands of years of (usually) having different roles in society. But I can tell you that in the cases of a woman abusing a man that I’ve been near, there was no less “manipulation” by the woman, than that from the man in the better known man abuses woman cases. Ditto for the one abusive gay relationship that I know of.
In my experience, which may not be the last word(!), in most abusive relationships where a physically weaker male is involved, he will “get out” after 2 or 3 attacks. This is not 100% of course, but it is the strongly dominant trend in “situations” I know of, in over 2 generations of being aware of such ugliness... Something about being “the hunter”, I suppose?
I would also point out an area which doesn’t appear to apply to you, or the Ray & Janay Rice situation, but does apply to a wide variety of poor choices: Some persons simply fear / dislike solitude more than a bad relationship. Predators know this, and can sense it. Sometimes the “prey” even tells them in words.
You are so lucky to have such a true friend, and even luckier, you eventually listened. (No news to you, right?) Too often, the true friend is the one who gets rejected, sometimes “for life”... :-(
Very interesting insights!
Most men I know handle it about like Laz... “Oh, I am so not dealing with you crazy self anymore!” Maybe because of the wiring difference, men are better able to shut down the emotional end of it or separate their emotions from the situation?
I do know people who make decisions based only on not being alone (A girl who used to be my neighbor told her husband he could do anything he wanted if he just wouldn’t leave her. Boy, did he take full advantage of that!)
I wasn’t one of those. I just wanted the person I fell in love with back. Maybe if I buy the RIGHT peanut butter next week and watch whatever he wants on TV and don’t ask where he was when he disappears for a day or two and don’t voice a contrary opinion and don’t have any thoughts of my own and...
Like I said, I was searching for the magic combination. But there isn’t one because not only are the rules endless, they’re also frustratingly fluid. Even a seemingly simple decision like doing your hair and putting on makeup has no certain, defined outcome. If you do, it’s “Who are YOU trying to impress?” If you don’t, it’s “What a disgusting slob you are. Too lazy to even make an effort.”
I know now he wasn’t abusive because of who I was but because of who HE was. He was abusive because he didn’t like himself not because he didn’t like me. But that took awhile to figure out. :-/
Thanks again for the insights! They’ll give me more to think about! I figure the better I can understand other people, the better I’ll understand myself. :-)