The 20 Best Quotes From Greg Gutfeld

Most people know Greg Gutfeld as the funny guy from Red Eye and The Five. However, he’s also a brilliant writer who manages to make profound points in a funny way. Enjoy his quotes!

19) "The more people care about something far, far away, the less they care about their immediate surroundings -- or the people they annoy within those surroundings. It's always the roommate who's obsessed with saving the orangutans whose personal hygiene is similar to one."

18) "The great writer Michael Moynihan calls it the 'free breakfast' theory of tyrant love. All an evil scumbag has to do is offer something seemingly free, and somehow celebrities forgive all the other awful things they did. You raped my sister but bought the city a pig? It's a push."

17) "When a gay man tweets me, saying, 'I’m tired of people judging me on my sexuality,' my feeling is, then stop tweeting about it."

16) "Liberalism is the one-way ticket to backslapping approval among the cool kids, which makes it about as rebellious as a divorced dad getting an earring from the local mall’s Piercing Pagoda."

15) "You know you're getting close to the truth when someone is calling you a racist."

14) "All that matters in the world is to believe. Never mind evidence or facts; as long as you believe, then you’re admired for your passion. And in a modern world where every greenie, leftist, or prog embraces their iPads and iPods, as well as the organic food trucked in by, um, trucks—to Whole Foods—they still ‘believe’ that man-made stuff is bad."

13) "The infatuation with the eccentric (a nice word for 'batsh*t crazy') originates from a kernel of cool philosophy. Anything that rebels against structure has to be good. In fact, it has to be better! The white picket fence is just a symbol of oppression (it's white, after all); the man who tears down that fence is the hero."

12) "The idea of tolerance — a seemingly innocuous concept — has now become something else entirely: a way to bludgeon people into shutting up, piping down, and apologizing, when the attacked are often the ones that hold the key to common sense."

11) "To be aggrieved means you’ve created an impenetrable wall of 'feeling' around you: No one can question you because you’re 'outraged.'"

10)” We embrace tolerance, yet those expecting it remain immune from its demands. We tolerate their intolerance for fear we might hurt their feelings..."

9) "If you need to tell me you're gay, I'm thinking you're not really gay. You're just boring. Right now, as I write this, the media is reporting that a gay man is trying to make the NFL as a field goal kicker. Remove ‘gay’ from the equation, and the reporter has to find another story. That story, however, will never be ‘Gay man doesn't give a sh*t about being gay.’"

8) "It's cool to have a low view of Americans -- not its enemies. You get paid to express such opinions because everyone around you thinks the same way. This is the cool creed: When bad things happen to America, think badly of America."

7) "Fact is, the desperate desire to be cool has skewed our culture toward nihilism, carelessness, and ineptitude. It is now cool to be an idiot. A jackass. It's cool to be a failure, as long as your failure is the basis for a reality show."

6) "America is positively no longer a melting pot. We're a giant wallet waiting to be picked."

4) "The real divide is not on skin color — it’s on skin thickness. The thick skins, whether they are black or white, versus the thin skins, whether they are the black or the white."

3) "I'm wary of the gotcha nature of discourse that turns all debates into a battlefield. We are now all experts at divining what's in people's hearts."

2) "The moment People of Color stop thinking about color, the cool racist loses his clout. And their radical agenda is dead -- which is why they must perpetuate the hate."

1) "When one becomes a liberal, he or she pretends to advocate tolerance, equality and peace, but hilariously, they’re doing so for purely selfish reasons. It’s the human equivalent of a puppy dog’s face: an evolutionary tool designed to enhance survival, reproductive value and status. In short, liberalism is based on one central desire: to look cool in front of others in order to get love. Preaching tolerance makes you look cooler, than saying something like, 'please lower my taxes.'"

19) Can we then expect people like Greg Gutfeld to stop caring so much about places like Benghazi, Kabul, Baghdad, etc? Or is it that it’s okay to be concerned with far-off locales and problems of note to Mr. Gutfeld but less okay to worry about things Mr. Gutfeld doesn’t care about?

18) “You raped my sister but bought the city a pig? It’s a push.”

I’d really love to see Mr. Gutfeld cite an instance of that. Really, I would. But of course, Mr. Gutfeld has to invent silly fictions to serve as examples because it’s so much less work that way, and the laugh it gets out of his audience is always a handy rhetorical device.

17) “When a gay man tweets me, saying, ‘I’m tired of people judging me on my sexuality,’ my feeling is, then stop tweeting about it.”

For hundreds of years it was straight people who cared about being gay. Straight people in generations passed, Americans included, cared so much that they passed laws against it and spent what I would call a disproportionate amount of time trying to figure out who was gay so that they might be able to fire that person, arrest them, or even do violence against them. I’m afraid the, “It’s not important if you’re gay,” boat sailed decades ago, and it was people like Mr. Gutfeld who secured the riggings.

The ONLY reason that Mr. Gutfeld now feels obligated to claim that being gay doesn’t matter to him is because a few people were brave enough to start talking openly about it, something Mr. Gutfeld would now very much like them to stop doing. Perhaps they spoiled all his fun.

16) “Liberalism is the one-way ticket to backslapping approval among the cool kids, which makes it about as rebellious as a divorced dad getting an earring from the local mall’s Piercing Pagoda.”

This would suggest that all the “really cool” kids are the non-liberal “kids,” which would actually seem to be buying right into the same attitude Mr. Gutfeld wants to decry. Though in truth it’s such a silly statement I don’t see that it matters.

15) “You know you’re getting close to the truth when someone is calling you a racist.”

Or it means that you’re being racist. That is also a course that will provoke such a reaction.

14) “All that matters in the world is to believe. Never mind evidence or facts; as long as you believe, then you’re admired for your passion.”

See: Greg Gutfeld.

13) “The infatuation with the eccentric (a nice word for ‘batsh*t crazy’) originates from a kernel of cool philosophy. Anything that rebels against structure has to be good.”

Structure like government, for example? Whoops, didn’t think that one through very well, didja?

12) “The idea of tolerance — a seemingly innocuous concept — has now become something else entirely: a way to bludgeon people into shutting up, piping down, and apologizing, when the attacked are often the ones that hold the key to common sense.”

This ties back into number 17 quite often: It seems that some people feel very put-upon when you disagree with them. Make an unpopular statement these days, say, something racist or homophobic, and you’re likely to get a lot of people complaining that they disagree with you. But guess what? Nobody owes it to you to treat your unpopular opinion as if it’s popular or handle you with kid gloves about it.

I suspect that what Mr. Gutfeld is really complaining about is that he’s no longer in the majority on these issues and wishes he could go back to the days when only other people had to deal with being unpopular. Poor lamb.

11) “To be aggrieved means you’ve created an impenetrable wall of ‘feeling’ around you: No one can question you because you’re ‘outraged.’”

Mr. Gutfeld, on the other hand, is surrounded by an impenetrable wall of un-self aware irony.

10)” We embrace tolerance, yet those expecting it remain immune from its demands. We tolerate their intolerance for fear we might hurt their feelings...”

This is just a rehash of number 12. By the way, what’s this “we” business? Is Mr. Gutfeld doing this? Why?

9) “If you need to tell me you’re gay, I’m thinking you’re not really gay. You’re just boring. Right now, as I write this, the media is reporting that a gay man is trying to make the NFL as a field goal kicker. Remove ‘gay’ from the equation, and the reporter has to find another story. That story, however, will never be ‘Gay man doesn’t give a sh*t about being gay.’”

Yes, I’m quite sure Mr. Gutfeld does wish people would stop being openly gay so that we could go back to the days when being openly gay was not acceptable. As someone who will never have to worry about the ramifications of such things, it’s quite convenient for Mr. Gutfeld to complain.

8) “It’s cool to have a low view of Americans — not its enemies. You get paid to express such opinions because everyone around you thinks the same way. This is the cool creed: When bad things happen to America, think badly of America.”

This is another stock non-argument that never goes out of fashion. When presented with a criticism of your country, just claim that the critique is unpatriotic. Note that this doesn’t make it untrue or non-relevant—but it sure does stop people from talking about it, which I notice seems to be Mr. Gutfeld’s agenda.

Of course, here Mr. Gutfeld has spent quite a lot of time complaining about America. He really trashes us in this list, truth be known. But as always, when he complaints it’s okay; when someone else complains it’s a problem.

7) “Fact is, the desperate desire to be cool has skewed our culture toward nihilism, carelessness, and ineptitude. It is now cool to be an idiot. A jackass. It’s cool to be a failure, as long as your failure is the basis for a reality show.”

He sounds quite aggrieved, doesn’t he?

6) “America is positively no longer a melting pot. We’re a giant wallet waiting to be picked.”

And again.

5) “If America was a house, the Left would root for the termites.”

And again. I guess when Mr. Gutfeld is aggrieved it’s different. See, a complaint that you agree with is a valid point; a complaint you disagree with is an agenda.

4) “The real divide is not on skin color — it’s on skin thickness. The thick skins, whether they are black or white, versus the thin skins, whether they are the black or the white.”

Just stop minding racism and it won’t matter. Sure.

3) “I’m wary of the gotcha nature of discourse that turns all debates into a battlefield. We are now all experts at divining what’s in people’s hearts.”

Really? Mr. Gutfeld just got done spending words speculating about his political opponent’s many hidden agendas and nefarious motivations, but now, oh, it’s simply not right to speculate about what’s in people’s hearts.

2) “The moment People of Color stop thinking about color, the cool racist loses his clout. And their radical agenda is dead — which is why they must perpetuate the hate.”

A rehash of number four.

1) “When one becomes a liberal, he or she pretends to advocate tolerance, equality and peace, but hilariously, they’re doing so for purely selfish reasons.”

We are all now experts at divining what’s in people’s hearts, eh Mr. Gutfeld?

“It’s the human equivalent of a puppy dog’s face: an evolutionary tool designed to enhance survival, reproductive value and status.”

Mr. Gutfeld does not seem to know what the word “evolutionary” means.

“In short, liberalism is based on one central desire: to look cool in front of others in order to get love.”

We are all now experts at divining what’s in other people’s hearts, eh Mr. Gutfeld?

“Preaching tolerance makes you look cooler, than saying something like, ‘please lower my taxes.’”

We are all now experts—oh to hell with it.

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