Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to join this man and this other man together in the bounds of an unholy union sanctioned by a fascist government and condemned in no uncertain terms by the Almighty God.
By their carnal union today they have chosen to spit in the face of God and all that is Holy and when this ceremony has been concluded this man and this other man will have sealed their eternal fate into the hands of an Angry God who will most assuredly throw them both into the fires of eternal damnation where the worm dieth not.
Now Bruce, do you take Roger to be your lawfully wedded spouse and partner in this ceremonial Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, to have and to hold until one of you or the other enters into the gates of a fiery Hell?
I'll try to copy/paste you a copy of the traditional wedding service for re-writing. Then we'll see if we can make it go viral.