What... 
a pisser!
Guess I have to take back... 
my "She's dead, Manti."
Oh My God! The same thing happened to me... 
and then I met this scrumptious hottie!
Golly, George, just imagine, you lost your grannie and girlfriend all at once and I just magically appear... 
What a stroke of luck!
I know what you are feeling, Manti... 
being part chinaman, I, too, have had nonexistent friends and family die online--
How can you say "Manti Te'o's Dead Girlfriend Never Existed" when... 
she is evidently Obama's long lost love child and the reason for his new 46 Executive Orders outlawing auto accidents and leukemia?
Hey, Bend, you know me. Always doing things... 
for the children!
Listen, Barry, my Executive Orders outlawing 'Succession' did squat... 
and neither did my one stopping actors from owning assault derringers, either--
Does this mean my Packers loss to the 49ers... 
was a hoax, too?
Sorry, big, that arse whippin'... 
was on the level.
Meanwhile, back at Manti Te'o's Dead Girlfriend's online wake, the entertainment... 
goes on and on--