‘very unfair to their spouse if they were thin before marriage and got fat afterwards..would be serious grounds for divorce in my book.’
My advice to you: please don’t get married or procreate until you change this attitude.
For the record, I weigh 110 pounds and am about 5 foot 4 inches tall—and although I turn 40 in about 4 more months, I get carded for buying alcohol and mistaken for my husband’s teenage daughter. That’s after four kids and 18 years of marriage. I don’t work out but have a high metabolism (I love to eat and I am a salt addict with a BP of 90/50, even when pregnant).
The thing is, when I hear—or read—comments like yours, it scares me because I have two beautiful daughters, ages 14 and 8. Your comment tells me that a guy won’t give them the time of day (when they are dating age) if they don’t look like supermodels or work out every day. Neither one of them is overweight, and as much of a struggle it is to get kids to eat right, they do a pretty good job of eating their fruits and veggies. They get out and play outside a lot, since we live in a rural area with lots of neighbor kids.
My husband definitely doesn’t weigh what he did when we got married. I believe some of it in his case is genetic. He spent almost a decade driving boats for the Navy SEALS and it beat the hell out of his joints, his back, and his knees. Since his discharge, he has put on a good amount of weight, and he struggles with it. But just to be clear, my husband is not a lazy man. He has never been unemployed since he was a teenager. Sometimes he has worked 2 or more jobs. After his Navy service, he worked a full-time job and went to engineering school, pulling down close to a 4.0 GPA. That was with a wife, three kids, and a house and land to take care of. Today, we live on two acres and in an older house that requires some upkeep—we had a large garden this year. He keeps up with his job, the house and yardwork, his duties as a Cub Scout leader, activity in our parish, helping the kids with homework and spending time with them, and being a fantastic husband. He also had to spend a lot of time the last few months helping care for his parents’ home after his dad had open-heart surgery in July (and they live 4.5 hours away).
He is not sitting in his recliner full-time drinking beer and watching sports. So yes, he’s gained weight, but he is aware of that fact. He’s still a good husband, father, and person. I’m not divorcing him just because of his weight. I don’t recall ‘till death do us part unless you put on some pounds.’ (BTW, he is a FReeper if you want to tell him how you feel about ‘chubby’ people.)
I’ll give you a hint, since it’s obvious you’ve never been married. Looks fade—I’ve got some grey hairs I didn’t have when we got married in 1995. I have stretch marks from bringing four human beings into the world. However, I would hope that I am a better person than I was 18 years ago, even if my looks aren’t the same. My husband may not be 190 lbs anymore (he’s 6’3”), but he still makes me laugh like no else does, he treats me like a man should treat a woman, and he’s put up with a lot of my ‘stuff’ in the last 18 years.
I am in no way, shape, or form condoning obesity or not eating properly, although I am not a food snob or a food Nazi. I am simply saying that divorcing someone simply for gaining weight says a hell of a lot more about you than it does for the person you would divorce.
Besides, what you may think is desirable in a female is not what another man might find attractive. I’ve also noticed that I’ve met some sickly thin people and some incredibly healthy heavier people. My great-grandparents, dairy farmers in Wisconsin, ate high fat diets with lots of heavy cream, butter, and the like and lived to be in their 80s and 90s.
Men are generally more visual then women when it comes to dating and mating. If you think what some men here say are rough, wait until you ladies go into a bar or a card game with just men and the dudes are just shooting the bull!
I have dated "chunky"(not obese fat) women in the past (I'm age 27).. nothing against them but I work out 7 days per week and eat junk food maybe 4-5 times per year..I have found these women end up sabotaging my fitness efforts...they feel guilty to a degree about their weight so they try to get me to change my fitness habits to match theirs.
When I was referring to divorcing a fat spouse I don't mean a person who gained 15-25-30 lbs but someone who turns morbidly obese. That is near criminal in my book that someone would do that to a spouse they profess to love. A woman I know has a husband who went from 190 to 330 lbs...guy can't even perform in the bedroom and she is always upset because his obesity has affected their intimacy and affection which is important to her let alone her physical attraction to him. Their activies-going for walks togetehr, being active-going to events and festivels is near zil to his weight. His testosterone is near zero due to his weight and he has no "drive" to her let alone she is constantly worried he is going to keel over at any time.
This(eating gluttonly) is no different than a spouse who turns to gambling/drinking or other vices.
As for the "supermodels" quote..I like the fun, outgoing "typical girl next door" look.
Congratulations, ma'am.
I wouldn't be nearly so extreme as the guy you are responding to, but...If somebody is say 25, and already fat as a house, that makes me wonder a lot about their self-control, their self-respect, their diet...Thats not to say there aren't nice fat people, but I'd potentially be leery of becoming an item with a fat person. Not #1 on the list, but certainly a consideration. Of course, "marriage syndrome" generally cures men of their high standards, or so I've been told.
I honestly wonder WHAT people are eating, and in what quantity, in order to achieve the size they do. Because I eat rather a lot, sit entirely to much and exercise entirely to little, and never gain weight. It makes me wonder how much other people must be eating. Maybe I have a fast metabolism.
As an aside, it seems, culturally speaking, that men can carry off being fat/ugly better than women.
Stellar post.
I will always be overweight. I walk a minimum of 5 miles a day, I teach martial arts classes, my BP and blood sugar are habitually below normal levels, my resting pulse rate is in the 40s.
One time in my life I actually flirted with bulimia in order to try to get thin. I obsessed over every bite of food, and in my obsession to finally rid myself of my gut, regularly employed making myself throw up and the use of laxatives if I ever broke down and ate a normal sized meal. But I got to experience life at my thinnest... and it didn’t make 1 bit of difference in how people treated me... My friends were still friends, jerks were still jerks, the only difference was that gratuitous insults no longer came my way, in exchange for feeling sick all the time from what I had to do to maintain my thin appearance. Then I decided I was going to quit smoking, and that let my starvation experiment go to hell.
I was recently confronted by a vegetarian, who told me that my weight would kill me. I demonstrated how I touch my toes, by pressing the knuckles of my fists against the ground, then informed him “my BP is lower than yours, my pulse rate is lower than yours, my blood sugar is lower than yours, I bench almost twice my weight, and I’m getting ready to walk 5 miles thru North Jacksonville to go to the store and pick up some groceries, and everybody on the street is going to smile and say hi, because the last crackhead who tried to jump me lasted 5 seconds...come walking with me, you’ll do your circulation good...” Needless to say, he declined. Pasty faced guy with hoops in his ears and tattoos all over, and a little pot of his own, half my age and he’s out of breath carrying the groceries from the trunk of his car to his front door...I walk 5 miles and carry the groceries on the return trip.
So I came up with the new rule for what is my acceptable weight... maybe your husband might like it... I call it the Roman Rule. In ancient times, every soldier had to be able to carry his gear 10 miles a day. I don’t usually walk that far, but when I walk 5 to 7 miles to get to town and do my shopping and whatnot, I’m speed walking the whole way, and I arrive home with just as much energy as when I left... so I feel confident if I took my lazy-azz time, 10 miles a day is not out of the question.
The Roman Rule: If you can carry it 10 miles a day, you can keep it. If you’re eating healthy, and you’re physically performing at that level of activity, and all your numbers are normal, or below normal, then the holier than thou can stuff themselves.