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I have never been a big one for practical jokes, unless they are completely harmless and I know even the person they are played on is guaranteed to at least give a grin.

Over the years, I have watched people play pranks that were guaranteed to embarrass or make someone uncomfortable, and I could only shake my head.

When I was a young man in the Navy, I used to see people play pranks all the time, most just stupid and harmless, but some were very involved and could have got someone hurt.

The one I remember most that was emblematic of why practical jokes can be bad due to unforeseen factors, was when we had been at sea for a while and were nearing the point where people become irritable and bored.

A sailor was sitting at a small table, and had fallen fast asleep sitting upright with his elbow on a table, his palm outstretched supporting the side of his head.

As he sat there sitting upright, asleep in his long-sleeved green flight deck jersey, his entire armpit was exposed. One of the guys shushed us with his finger to his mouth, pulled out his Bick lighter, and decided he was going to give the sleeping guy the armpit equivalent of a hot foot.

He silently crept over, placed the lighter about 3 inches under the taut fabric covering the guys armpit. He lit the lighter, and turned to give us a silly grin. Those of us watching saw smoke, and then a millisecond later the subject of the prank leapt to his feet screaming.

Apparently, there was a tiny hole in this guy’s jersey that none of us could see, and the flame went right through the hole and lit the guys armpit hair on fire. He wasn’t burned too badly, but I felt pretty bad just sitting there watching it, and I know the guy who did it felt really bad, because he and the subject were buddies, and I know he definitely didn’t want to hurt him.

But that wasn’t the worst one. The worst mother of all pranks screw ups occurred around 3 AM one morning while we were steaming in the Mediterranean.

From what we were told (and it was our division officer who told us this is a group) there was a guy standing watch on the Port Quarter, sitting in the little chair in his pea coat, wearing his sound powered phones on his head. He had apparently fallen asleep, which as everyone knows is very bad, but fortunately (or actually, unfortunately) to his buddies dropped by to say hello and chat with him, only to find him asleep.

Apparently, this was too rich and opportunity to pass up. One of them crept over on his hands and knees and tied the guy’s shoelaces together as he snoozed. They then backed into the hatch out of sight and with cupped hands, called out in a loud stage whisper “Man Overboard! Man Overboard!”

If the accounts were to be believed, they got exactly the result they were looking for. One can imagine the guy hearing this and leaping to his feet, his unseeing eyes bulging with panic as he scanned the ocean, then immediately stumbling and planting himself face down on the metal deck, His buddies giggling hysterically in the background. Their joke had played out exactly as they hoped.

Except for one thing.

There was a person in the catwalk above them in the dark who heard the guy call out “Man Overboard” to their sleeping buddy, and raised the general alarm.

At 3 AM in the middle of the Mediterranean, probably 10,000 men on maybe a dozen ships were awakened from their sleep and began rushing up and down ladders as the entire group executed the Man Overboard drill, only it wasn’t a drill.

We heard the guys got court martialed, but that was all we ever heard.

So, you can guess I am always to mindful of unforeseen consequences to enjoy most practical jokes...