[xzins]

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.... When he gets older, I’d tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn’t obey.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà-vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

[P-Marlowe]

Jim Gaffigan:

• The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
  
  
• But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move."
  
  
• I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?
  
  
• Whenever you are single, all you see are couples, but whenever you are a couple, all you see are hookers.
  
  
• We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. "You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!"
  

  {!}