Sunday column ping
Pity poor Liveshot, down to his last $200 million or so
By Howie Carr | Sunday, December 6, 2009 | http://www.bostonherald.com | Columnists
What a week for Sen. John “Liveshot” Kerry. First, his fellow limousine liberals in Congress propose a tax . . . on Botox! And now the really bad news: His net worth has plummeted from $336 million to $208 million.
Sen. Kerry’s portfolio has been swiftboated - by his own idiotic investments. We now have an answer to the eternal question: Hey, Senator, why the long face?
Oh well, easy come easy go. It’s just the money from his second wife’s first husband’s trust fund. You’ve heard of blood money. This is - was - ketchup money. At least they still have each other. He’s about to turn 66, she’s 69, so you can very well understand what the serial gigolo saw in the ancient gold digger.
About a billion dead presidents.
How could this happen? Who’d Liveshot use as his moneyman? Larry Summers? That’s like getting marriage counseling from Tiger Woods. Is it time for another name change for the boat formerly known as the Scaramouche - from Let it Be to Let it Bleed?
Senator, when financial genius Barney Frank publicly assured everyone in August 2008 that “Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are in fine shape going forward,” shouldn’t that have been your cue to abandon ship? Now you’re one-third of the way back to having to sleep in the back seat of your Chrysler LeBaron convertible.
Can you imagine the conversations in Louisburg Square as the Beautiful People ponder their reduced situation? “Lovey,” he screams up the stairs at his wrinkly bride in his best Thurston Howell III voice, “for my next fund-raiser on Nantucket, we can only afford a single porta-potty out on Hulbert Avenue. The hoi polloi will just have to make do!”
The only way this could get worse would be if Mike Capuano prevails over Martha Coakley on Tuesday. My Gawd, this Capuano fellow - why, what if he decides to be a real senator, you know, trekking around to all those dreadful tank towns such as North Adams and Hull and Leominster?
Then Liveshot might have to take off his jaunty yachtsman’s cap and embark on his own “listening tour,” instead of parachuting into the provinces in election years.
“Lovey, do you think we’ll have to get rid of those six SUVs that belong to your family, not to me?”
“Lovey, I’ve got it - we get my brother Cam to open up a bed-and-breakfast on Naushon! I’m told that’s what our kind does in straitened circumstances. The riff-raff will lap it up with a spoon.”
“Lovey, I’m going to stop making charitable contributions for a couple of years. That should save us at least $10.”
We know he’ll insist on retaining his own Gulfstream, the Flying Squirrel. No way Kerry can ever go back to the D.C. shuttle, especially not now that everyone has a camera in his cell phone. It’d be only a matter of time until grainy videos would be posted on YouTube showing Liveshot cutting in line, bellowing the eternal question: “Do you know who I am?”
“Lovey, I do hope this doesn’t mean you’ll be reneging on that new windsurfing kit you promised me for Christmas.”
“Lovey, do we still have a phone number for Bob Jaffe? Do you remember that marvelous chap he was telling us about at the Somerset Club who absolutely guarantees your return on investments? That’s who we need. What was that fellow’s name – Madoff?”
Article URL: http://www.bostonherald.com/news/columnists/view.bg?articleid=1216957