People with small hands cannot comfortably hold a double stack 9mm handle—such as a Glock or Berretta. If you can’t hold the gun comfortably, you can’t shoot it accurately.
About the most swat you can get that you can shoot with small hands is a Walther PPK 380 (or a Makarov 9 mm). The round is a 9 x 17 mm; the larger 9’s, the Glocks and Beretta’s shoot a 9 x 19 mm round. You can also consider a much less expensive Makarov which shoots a 9 x 18 round.
The best advice when choosing a weapon is what works for you. Due to your special issues with your hands-I can only suggest that you go to a gun range where you can rent guns and try as many different models and calibers as possible.
As far as recoil- I personally think 9mm, or .40 cal will be ok for you to deal with IF you can find a comfortable ergonomic grip and will still stop someone with the appropriate ammunition. Not sure why you don’t go with a shotgun-but you know what you need.