I see no signs in your writing that your heart is seeking God at all let alone earnestly. You don't have to see it. Perhaps the intensity disillusionment is the product of the weariness from innumerable failed attempts at seeking your illusionary opiate.
If I had tried just once and failed, I would have been more mild in criticism, don't you think?
It is easy to sear the heart. You start by denying your faults. Then, you seek justification for your being, accept any explanations, and try earnestly to persuade yourself that God doesn't exist. Or, does He?
Your cynicism is noted...