Posted on 01/11/2008 9:06:22 AM PST by firehat
THE DEPTHS OF THE SURFACE - DOWN A QUART ©
by Norman Liebmann
There is bad news and good news. The bad news is Bill Clinton plans to take a more active part in his wife’s presidential campaign. The good news is he doesn’t look well.
If Barack Obama wins the White House, his Presidency will be called the “They Call Me Mister Tibbs” Administration. The Obama political ascendancy shows that that the Democrats are ready for a different flavor of socialism.
Hillary’s tears have converted her political campaign to a soap opera. I guess that’s the change she promised.
By not allowing the Navy to fire on attacking Iranian speedboats, George Bush gave America another Fallujah – this time at sea.
The Clinton campaign is once again getting input from James Carville and Paul Begala proving that in Democrat politics there’s always room to go backwards.
Hillary says she can’t understand “why all these men are obsessed with me” - this from someone who can hardly wait to see what she’s going to do next.
The Arkancurse: Part 3: The folks in Iowa voted for Mike Huckabee because Willie Nelson wasn’t running. If elected President, Mike Huckabee will turn the White House into a general store – with yokels spitting on a potbelly stove so they can watch their saliva sizzle. If we end up with another President from Hope, Arkansas, we should send a decontamination team there to confiscate everybody’s DNA.
[Note: The worst thing that can be said about Mike Huckabee is that he has been Governor of Arkansas for eight years, and Arkansas is still Arkansas. Pastor Huckabee’s ongoing text will be from the chapter on Arkansas and Gomorrah. Incidentally, the media scraped the bottom of the “catchy” barrel when they came up with the word “Huckaboom”.]
Al Gore is in line for another high honor for his latest invention for measuring global warming. It’s called the Hoax-o-meter. He’s also working on a carbon footprint device that measures how much soot accumulates between a coal miner’s toes. By continually adding to this list of “feel good” awards liberals pass around, they may have found a substitute for masturbation.
Many American tourists are being turned away from the Taj Mahal because of our currency devaluation. In reprisal American technology companies may fire all the monkeys in India currently doing their telephone computer support. (And incidentally, who knew the Taj Mahal had a turnstile?)
One thing the television debates make clear: the Democrats have the charisma and the Republicans have the grownups. The problem with the television debates is one of too much everybody.
Ralph Nader has thrown his support to John Edwards. Presumably the press ran out of space in the Undecided Column.
A Hillary win would mean America will endure four more years of political gangrene.
The Clintons may find out that in the Southern primaries if you live by the black vote, you can also die by the black vote. It took the Obama candidacy for Bill Clinton to finally feel vindicated for attacking Sistah Soljah.
The rumor is that Harvard will establish a John Kerry Chair at the Kennedy School of Flip Flop.
Bill Clinton believes there’s nothing worse than losing an election except losing an erection. (At his age Bubba claims he does not lose erections, he merely misplaces them.)
It seems logical when John McCain was moldering in the Hanoi Hilton, he was thinking of ways to make sure Mexicans would get free medical care in American hospitals, Caucasians would be kept from having their taxes lowered, and figuring out a way to buddy up to Teddy Kennedy. (Five years of water boarding in Guantanamo hasn’t warped any Islamo-terrorist’s mind that much.)
I don’t believe Hillary’s tears. She’s Captain Queeg in a pants suit. Still, as President, she can always take advantage of the fact that she’s a woman – even if she’s not a lady.
The Democrats believe the Second Amendment gives people the right to keep and bear hair-trigger opinions.
Political speeches prove that repetition is the sincerest form of repetition.
Fred Thompson got discouraged when he realized no one can get elected President if he has a sense of humor.
Hillary’s new health care plan will enable everyone to run next door and borrow a cup of stem cells.
What will Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton’s next strategy be when they realize they can’t play “the race card” against Barack Obama?
Someone should tell the Moslems if there was any truth that when they go to Heaven they can make love to 72 virgins, how come Hoagy Carmichael never wrote a song about it? If he did it would top Stardust.
If the Democrats continue to control Congress, you can bet pay toilets will be replaced by over-pay toilets.
Homosexuals describe the declaration of their sexuality as “coming out”. I guess that’s why those guys act like debutantes. The most obnoxious thing about homosexuals is their pretension to being an “elite”.
The Writers Guild of America has allowed the late night talk shows to nibble away at its strike and may soon allow television to resume as our prime source of who-gives-a-spit entertainment. ("spit" in deference to the FR Profanity Police)
Ersatz Jew President Ehud Olmert giving away pieces of his country should be forced to turn in his circumcision and give the mohel his money back. (Incidentally, has anyone considered opening a night club in Tel Aviv called The Koshercabana? Jackie Mason would be a big hit there by ripping Olmert.)
Naomi Campbell’s trip to Venezuela may be research for doing the female lead in the upcoming Hollywood extravaganza: Hugo Chavez: The Musical.
Governor Bill Richardson, election drop out, is an embarrassment to New Mexico where Native Americans sit on the sidewalk selling bangles made of semi precious stones while Richardson tries to think up semi-precious ideas. There’s a rumor Richardson may have cerebral surgery - as soon as his doctors can locate “a drain boner”.
In the interest of racial diversity, the inner cities will soon include brown traffic lights. Red will mean Stop, Green will mean Go, and Brown will mean Tawana Brawley is Back in Town.
To cash in on the fan worship of sports heroes, someone should open a chain of fast food restaurants called McSteroids.
Why don’t the Democrats realize that The Founding Fathers were actually disgruntled taxpayers?
Every minority has been made contemptible by virtue of their easy seduction by Bill Clinton. It is clear now the blacks know they’ve had their pride stolen by the Clintons and now they want a champion to steal it back.
The candidates cross America during the campaign - and double cross it after the election.
The folks in New Hampshire voted to see if a roll of the dice with Hillary would include another roll in the hay with Bill. It is an enigma that Hillary is anxious to sit behind the same desk that Monica Lewinsky kneeled under. When it comes to Hillary’s pride we’re talking negative digits.
Mayor Mike Bloomfield, self-appointed Nanny of The Big Apple Day Care Center, wants to be President. He’s the ideal candidate if you don’t mind someone telling you to put out your cigarette, pumping you about your medical history, insisting that the kindergartens distribute condoms to your kids, passing the plate for political campaigns in your house of worship, and performing same-sex marriages on your front lawn, roll out that souvenir Abrams tank and head for Gracie Mansion.
John McCain has moved on from elderly to olderly. Now he and Walter Cronkite can have “walker” races.
Irrespective of who is elected President, expect the next White House dog to be a Mexican Chihuahua named “Amnesty”.
The answer to the Open Borders invasion is declaring Open Season on the invaders. It’s reported the first baby of 2008 born in the U.S. was illegal, illegitimate, and delivered in the back seat of a 1957 Chevy.
And this …
Oh, Mrs. Clinton, Dr. Van Helsing will see you now.
***
Good show Norm!
That is just so hilarious - and so dead-nuts-on.
LOL...and McSteroids...LOL, and Hoax-O-Meter...LOL, and good column Norm...LOL.
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