ALBUQUERQUE (by “Weird Al”)
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement half a block down the street from jerrys bait shop
You know the place
Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy
Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast
Awww - big bowl of sauerkraut
Every single mornin
It wa driving me crazy
I said to my mom
I said hey, mom, whats with all the sauerkraut?
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at my like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said its good for you
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old
Thats when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will glady shave your back for a nickel
Wacka wacka doodoo yeah
Well, let me tell you, people, it wasnt long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in leonard nimoys butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
Thats right, a first class one-way ticket to
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Oh yeah
You know, Id never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of dr. pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was bio-dome with pauly shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?
cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ahhhh
So I crawled from the twisted, burnin wreckage
I crawled on my hands and kneew for three full days
Draggin along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arived at the world famous albuquerque holiday inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
Its ok, theyre clean
Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the a/c
And I turned on the spectravision
And Im just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, theres a knock on the door
Well now, who could that be?
I say who is it?
No answer
Who is it?
Theres no answer
Who is it?
Theyre not sayin anything
So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
Its some big fat hermaphrodite with a flock-of-seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when Im right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And Im like hey, you cant have that
That snorkels been just like a snorkel to me
And hes like tough
And Im like give it
And hes like make me
And Im like kay
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a farmiliar voice
And you know what it said?
Ill tell you what it said
It said
If youd like to make a call, please hang up and try again
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator
If youd like to make a call, please hang up and try again
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator
In albuquerque
Albuquerque
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts
So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says yeah, what do ya want?
I said you got any glazed donuts?
He said no, were outta glazed donuts
I said you got any jelly donuts?
He said no, were outta jelly donuts
I said you got any bavarian cream-filled donuts?
He said no, were outta bavarian cream-filled donuts
I said you got any cinnamon rolls?
He said no, were outta cinnamon rolls
I said you got any apple fritters?
He said no, were outta apple fritters
I said you got any bear claws?
He said wait a minute, Ill go check
No, were outta bear claws
I said well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?
He says all I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels
I said ok, Ill take that
So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin me all over
(rabid gnawing sounds)
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin through my head
I believe it went a little something like this . . .
Doh
Get em off me
Get em off me
Oh
No, get em off, get em off
Oh, oh god, oh god
Oh, get em off me
Oh, oh god
Ah, (more screaming)
I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin my arms all around and just runnin, runnin, runnin
Like a constipated weiner dog
And as luck wouls have it, thats exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was zelda
She was a caligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
Ill never forget the first thing she said to me.
She said hey, youve got weasels on your face
Thats when I knew it was true love
We were inseperable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - nathaniel and superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah
But then one fateful night, zelda said to me
She said sweetie pumpkin? do you wanna join the columbia record club?
I said woah, hold on now, baby
Im just not ready for that kinda commitment
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But thats just the way things go
In albuquerque
Albuquerque
Anyway, things really started lookin upi for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
Thats right, I got me a part-time job at the sizzler
I even made employee of the month after I put that grease fire out with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin a lot of attitude
Ok, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy marty tryin to carry a big ol sofa up the stairs all by himself
So i, I say to him, I say hey, you want me to help you with that?
And marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw
So I did
And then he gets all indignant on me
Hes like hey man, I was just being sarcastic
Well, thats just great
How was I supposed to know that?
Im not a mind reader for cryin out loud
Besides, now hes got a really cute nickname - torso-boy
So whats he complaining about?
Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasnt had a bit in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And hes yellin and screamin and bleeding all over
And Im like hey, come on, dontcha get it?
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
(screaming sounds)
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just cant take a joke, you know?
Anyway, um, um, where was i?
Kinda lost my train of thought
Uh, well, uh, ok
Anyway i, I know its kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point Im tryin to make here is
I hate sauerkraut
Thats all Im really tryin to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandry
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up universe of ours
Theres still a little place called
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, albuquerque
Albuquerque, albuquerque
Albuquerque, albuquerque
Albuquerque, albuquerque
I said a (a)
L (l)
B (b)
U (u)
Querque (querque)
Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
Albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque, albuquerque
Albuquerque
