LOL, you sure it would take a lawyer? I'm thinking the judge would find any way possible to ensure the accused got off. And no jury in their right mind would convict you.
This falls under the old Southern 'he needed killin' law...I heard of a judge one time overseeing a trial of an upstanding citizen in the town that had been caught beating up a ne'er do well. The judge basically stopped the trial and said in open court the ne'er do well shouldn't have done what he did and if he was going to do that, he should stay out of the way of swinging baseball bats. The accused got a $100 fine and 3 day suspended sentence for beating the guy up.
One week, he had a case where a young widow had stolen a loaf of bread and the shopowner was pressing charges. LaGuardia looks at the woman and asks if she was guilty of doing this and she admits that she had, explaining that her husband is dead, she's been laid off from her job, and her children are starving.
LaGuardia looks over at the shopowner and asks him if he is determined to press the charges and the irate man insists that "these people" be taught a lesson.
LaGuardia leans back in his chair and tells the woman that he is finding her guilty and that the punishment is a five dollar fine. He then pulls out his wallet, removes a five dollar bill, and hands it to the bailiff, explaining that he is going to pay her fine.
He then looks around the courtroom, which is packed with dozens of lawyers, defendants, plaintiffs, and assorted other individuals, and states that he is also going to fine everyone in that courtroom five dollars for the fact that their city and society are so messed up that this young woman is forced to steal to feed her family.
He then hands another five dollar bill to the bailiff, who then walks around the courtroom and collects five dollars from everyone, including the red-faced shopowner, and then presents the stack of money to the astonished widow. LaGuardia then informs her to stop by his office the next day, for he is in need of a new secretary.
The entire courtroom then gave Mayor LaGuardia a standing ovation.