Wayne: Smyrna, Earl's kissing his sister again. Earl: God damn it, Wayne, I really wish you would stop calling her that. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baby: If you ain't livin' you're dyin', Earl. I wanna live. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tinker: I hate you, Earl! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baby: You mad, Earl? Earl: No, Baby, I ain't mad at you. I'm pretty sure Junior ain't gonna be none to happy with it, though. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baby: Earl Crest, you better get over here. I can't be no soap opera actress if I'm missin' digits. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baby: Wait 'til I tell Raylene I was interrogated by the police for killin' Tinker Johnson. She'll be so jealous. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tinker: Junior, you're so stupid they had to burn down the school just to get you out of third grade. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tinker: [smashing the radio off the truck with a golf club] That's right, who's your daddy now Mr. Panasonic. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Junior: This cell phone's better than my pinkie finger any day. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Earl: You ever get the feeling you're, like, being watched, Baby? Baby: You mean by horny guys? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baby: Earl Crest, don't you know it ain't polite to stare? Earl: Well, Baby, it's only natural for a man to stare when he sees the prettiest gal west of Mississippi. Baby: Just west? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Earl: [voiceover] I don't know for sure exactly how Andy got elected six months ago in the first place, but all I do know is that nobody meant for it to happen. It's like the ugly girl in high school who gets picked for prom queen. It ain't nice, but some A-hole thinks it's funny and nominates her, and then other people start voting for her thinking no one else is gonna and pretty soon, KAPOW!, the school is stuck with Sheriff Andy for prom queen. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tinker: [to the pizza delivery boy] You can hide, but you can't run! I mean, you can run but you can't... oh, I'm gonna KILL you! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baby: After work I think I'm gonna go home and change. Earl: I don't see the point though, Baby. You just can't improve on perfection. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baby: Damn, Earl, you're twenty-three going on eighty! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Earl: Junior, you are so dumb. Junior: I'm not dumb. YOU'RE dumb. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tinker: I don't got nothing to say. Earl: Well, that's good, 'cause I was planning on doing most of the talking anyhow. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tinker: I'm gonna kick the shit out of you, Earl. Earl: So you said, Tinker. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Doctor: Well, you need to tell that idiot who shot you that he better take some shooting lessons! Earl: Now, don't be TOO disappointed, Doc. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Doctor: Now you be careful, Earl, or else my grandson might just steal that pretty gal of yours away from you. Jimbo: Gramps, I ain't gonna steal Earl's gal, I'm gay. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Doctor: That Flossie's one hell of a girl, don't you think? Jimbo: Gramps... I'm GAY. Doctor: I hear ya. Jimbo: Oh, just forget it. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jimbo: I'm gonna kill Tinker for shooting you. Earl: Well, Jimbo, I think Baby already beat you to it. Baby: Damn right. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baby: You want me to come with you? It's my day off. Earl: No, Baby, I don't intend on killing anyone today so your services won't be needed. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Earl: If it wasn't for Baby I'd have drowned you in that river. Junior: Well, for your information EARL I can swim! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jimbo: Lord, Junior, what happened to your face? Junior: Uh... I fell? Jimbo: Off a building? Junior: No. [thinks about it] Junior: Yeah! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jimbo: Do you think he's gay? Earl: Have my doubts, Jimbo. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baby: [to Jimbo] You better keep his ass in line. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baby: [to Tinker] Didn't I kill you once already today, boy? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Junior: I lied. Jimbo: No kidding. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Tinker: They're gonna shoot us like fish in a bowl the minute we walk in the door. Earl: Well, maybe we'll get lucky, Tinker, and they'll only shoot you! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr. Smith: Ain't no point in y'all arguing, you're all gonna die. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Juan Vasquez: I'm gonna shoot your psycho chick. Baby: Oh, you better not! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Earl: Don't touch my girl, Juan. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- [Junior accidentally shoots Earl in the leg] Earl: Oh... dammit, Junior! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baby: [to Junior] You shot my fiancé, now I'm gonna show you how it feels. [picks up the gun] Earl: Uh, baby? Would you mind putting off shooting Junior until after you take me to see Doc Cragen? Baby: [throws the gun off somewhere in the tall grass] Whatever you say, honey. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Baby: Hey. Earl: Hey yourself. Baby: How you feeling? Earl: I'm feeling all right... all bullet wounds considered. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Earl: [voiceover] Now, I asked myself why in the world would I continue to try and help a retard like Junior who, in the Darwinian view of things, was only gonna get hisself selected against eventually anyway.
Nathan: Alice, please. Your dog, Alice. It and my appetite are mutually exclusive.
Alice: Well, what's wrong with the dog?
Nathan: Simple. He's been licking his a$$hole for the last three straight hours. I submit to you that there is nothing there worth more than an hour's attention. I should think that whatever he is attempting to dislodge is either gone for good, or there to stay. Wouldn't you agree?
Mitch: I'm goin' in.
Charlie: You can't there's too many of them.
Mitch: Well kill them for me, bi%&h! What else you good for?