Posted on 03/08/2007 7:04:09 AM PST by meg88
When Andrew Giuliani fired his very public shot at his father's third wife, revealing that there was a "little problem" between them, Judith Nathan wasn't the only woman who felt the impact. Hundreds of thousands of stepmothers recoiled as the 21-year-old golf fanatic took aim with the expert precision of a Masters champion.
At a time when increasing numbers of marriages in America end in divorce and "blended family" has become the politically correct term for fractured households, Giuliani Jr.'s outburst resounded nationwide.
Nathan, who took a hit for the team, has maintained a dignified silence. But her fellow easy targets are up in arms.
"This kind of attitude and behavior has to stop," says Manhattan psychotherapist Rachelle Katz, a second wife who runs a self-help Web site, Steps for Stepmother, and has written a guide, "The Smart Stepmother."
"The stepmom nearly always gets blamed.
"Ever since Cinderella and Snow White and Hansel and Gretel, she has been cast in the role of villain - the wicked witch.
"Even as adults, children are traumatized by divorce, and the easiest person to blame is the new person in their father's lives.
"It's a disturbing trend because more and more marriages break up, people re-marry and children from past relationships live under the same roof. It's very unfair."
Heather, a 56-year-old media analyst from Queens, knows all about the injustice of being a second wife.
Her stepdaughter resented her so much, she banned her from her wedding even though Heather had been with her father for 10 years.
"She threw a fit and said: 'Don't you dare show up!,' " recalls Heather. "It was very upsetting and nearly tore my husband and I apart.
"It is an incredibly complex situation. There is so much bitterness, and children can be incredibly selfish."
Thankfully, over time, Heather was able to get to know her stepdaughter, and wounds began to heal.
But many stepmothers aren't so fortunate, especially if the distance is not only emotional but geographical.
"The most common complaint is: 'They don't know me well enough to hate me as much as they do,' " observes New York author Jane Isay, whose relationships book "Walking on Eggshells" will be published on March 22.
"Stepchildren in their 20s and 30s are often more difficult than younger kids, because they see themselves as adults who are able to make these judgments, even though their loyalties are strained."
Kim, 48, despaired when her oldest stepchild, Anna, now 27, refused to speak to her.
"She lived in our home for a few months and was just horrible," says the self-employed businesswoman. "We would go to church, and when I sat next to her, she would literally turn her back on me."
Anna wouldn't allow Kim to attend her graduation ceremony and seemed to gloat when her father made the three-day trip alone.
One term being bandied around therapists' offices and even courtrooms these days is "parental alienation syndrome," or PAS.
"This happens when the biological mother or father does everything they can to turn their child against the new husband or wife," explains Anna. "Judges are looking into it a lot more during custody cases."
Both Isay and Katz have encountered mothers who have "groomed" their children, encouraging them to dislike the new family member.
Others take advantage of torn loyalties and act insulted if the children spend time with their father and the "other" woman.
"Many children see it as a betrayal if they get along with their stepmother," says Katz. "I don't like the term 'blended families,' because it sets up an expectation which is rarely fulfilled."
By the same token, stepmoms who believe their domestic situation will be more Brady Bunch than the Borgias are seriously deluded.
"The worst thing a stepmother can do is to try and act like the mother," says Isay. "Young adults don't need two mothers.
"I met a woman in her 20s who visited her father and stepmother in New York and had a wonderful time - until the wife referred to her as 'her daughter.' "
There are no quick-fix solutions,and, frustratingly for the stepmother, the best fence-mender is time.
"Meanwhile, you have to make sure that you don't sacrifice your own happiness," says Katz. "You need to set clear boundaries."
As for the father who feels like monkey in the middle, his only option is to side with his wife.
"When my husband went to his daughter's wedding without me, I was shattered," confesses Heather. "I told him he may as well stay with his old family and not come back."
The relationship survived after he said he would never leave her out of family gatherings again, but it was a close call.
"The guy will be pulled in different directions," says Isay. "But you need him fighting in your corner."
At least Rudy Giuliani has taken his rightful place next to Judith.
"My wife is a loving and caring mother and stepmother," he announced. "She's done everything she can."
Andrew may want her to turn back the clock and never to have met his father. But even the wickedest stepmother can't pull off a trick like that.
Originally published on March 8, 2007
So, she only intended to do "Vagina Monologues" until Ruddy announced he had cancer - and that he was leaving her. Then she changed her plans. How noble.
If Rudy had not developed cancer- the angry wife of the Mayor of NYC (and a candidate for the US Senate) would have been on stage doing an angry Vagina Monologue (which is raunchy BTW not "saucy").
She would have been a great role model for their kids.
I still think there are two sides in every broken marriage and neither spouse was blameless for the loveless marriage between the Giulianis.
Quite possible. But I've never heard that she, unlike her then husband, committed adultery during the marriage.
He is too tainted and too leftist to be my pick for Republican nominee.
me too! this stuff isn't the reason though.
Nahh, its the Bernie Kerrick, pro-choice, pro-gay stuff. I can't get with him.
"Why Are Stepmoms Always the Target?"
It depends.
In this case, because "Stepmom" is the floozy who was running around with Dad.
I don't see why anyone would expect his children to have any respect for the tramp who had been publicly parading around with their father before he bothered to even separate from his wife.
It seems that respect for the father might decline dramatically, and legitimately, as well.
sitetest
Thank you for using your brain to decide and not going by what the msm tells us to do! :)
adultery is an important part of the wedding vows- but the other vows are to love, honor, and cherish or respect
As far as I know Rudy has not spoken ill of his second wife, but she acted very badly (disrespectfully) in public while they were married and who knows what went on in private -
Like Rudy, she was also on her 2d marriage to him, and is now on her third
Maybe everyone finally found their soulmate
If Hanover's conduct was so egregious, Rudy should have filed for divorce, BEFORE he turned to another woman. And adultery shows a complete disregard of the other vows you cited: to love, to honor, to cherish, to respect. There is no greater disrespect to a spouse, nor violation of marriage vows than adultery.
Rudy Guiuliani has NO honor.
I agree with all of you that having both parents, no divorces (my parents divorcing when I was 15 was devastating for me at the time), a stable home for children is the best. In fact, I wish society was that way. I also agree that the selfishness of people who place their own self interest over their children's is sad and way too common today.
However, that being said, we don't live in that kind of world/society. Sometimes divorce is necessary. Ask abused women and children from the long ago days when divorce was not an option how much better off they were.
I remember my grandmother telling me a story about the early 1900s (about 1908), when she was a young girl, and a man who lived near her family. He raped his own daughters (and they bore his children) on a regular basis. But back then, divorce was not an option for his wife and children.
It's a good thing that being married more than once, and MAYBE having affairs while married, is enough to disqualify one from being president of this country -- otherwise we might have ended up with a president like Ronald Reagan.
But back then, divorce was not an option for his wife and children.
Incest laws were in effect.
You're kidding right? That is about the dumbest statement I've ever heard.
Here's her Dad, 30 miles from the nearest town, been raping that girl since she was probably 8 or nine years old, telling her he will kill her if she tells anyone(in addition to her daily beatings), telephons weren't invented then to call the police (I guess she could ride the mule to town), and she would be smart enough (given she had maybe a second grade education) to consult her law books to discover "Aha, they have incest laws."
My grandma told me the community finally used some plain old vigilante justice on this man, so it got took care of the old fashioned frontier way.
Boy, I don't know what planet you are from, but I don't want to be on it.
The article discussed adult children who resented the stepmother. I agree with Dr. Laura about almost everything, but I can't believe that either you or she mean that once someone is divorced he has to go through the rest of his life completely alone, even when the kids are adults and have their own lives. Is that really your belief? My own belief is that once kids are adults it's none of their business what an adult parent does.
Yes, Fred writes cleverly about his own bitterness; therefore all American women are selfish sluts who are solely responsible for the high divorce rate in this country. We know. It's much easier to look at life in these black-and-white terms, isn't it?
You deserve praise for making the right decision for your children.
My husband stayed with a mentally ill woman for more than 20 years, for his two girls sake.
She made his life was miserable, but he tried to protect (shield) his kids from the reality of her problems.
She eventually committed suicide. I, the stepmother, know I will never be their mother, wouldn't try to be (I am only two years older than his oldest daughter). We are friends though, and they know our home is always theirs, and I am more apt to take up for his kids than he. They know they can call on me and I will be here for them.
I can't imagine the pain of losing a mother that way (the mother arranged for the youngest girl to find her body after her suicide, the daughter only 16 years old).
I have never spoken badly of their mother, and when it comes up I remind them that she was mentally ill and not responsible for her actions, and I would rather have cancer than lose control of my mind. I didn't know her, she died two years before I met my husband. But when it comes up in conversation I tell them their father told me their mother loved them, and of all of her good points he told me about her, and she did have many.
I agree with all these posters, a person who would deliberately wreck a home, with innocent children involved, is sick.
And a wife who would use those children to hurt their father (and yes, my husband's wife did that, told him if he ever left her he'd never see them again)is no better.
I am not defending Guiliani because I am a supporter of his. But because, like you, I think it is easy for people to throw stones in glass houses.
When I married a man 23 years older than me MANY, including my oldest stepdaughter, automatically pegged me a gold digger. But I worked for 20 years, contributed to our income, and am anything but that. Eventually, even the stepdaughter rrealized if she needed support, emotional or financial, she would get it from me, quicker than from her Dad.
From what I read and saw on TV about Guiliani's wife, I would not be surprised to learn he is much better off without her.
Like I said in an earlier post, Ronald Reagan would have never become President if he had to stand the scrutiny of some of the hate Giuliani posters.
Maybe I didn't understand you right. This man raped his daughters for years and the mother couldn't get word to the authorities to get help, but if there had been more liberal divorce laws she could have gotten one.
It's possible we do live on different planets. At least they both have fish.
It does indeed, and the children suffer the most. While over time you may learn to live with it, the pain never REALLY goes away. Trust me.
Regards,
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