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Then why do other states have to adopt every nutty thing CA does and watch their rulings? Why are citizens told that if Vermont oks gay marriage then OUR states must also do so?

No state has to adopt every nutty thing CA does. Some nutty states choose to do so, usually through the legislature. And although the state supreme courts do sometimes look for guidance at how other states have decided an issue, decisions of the California Supreme Court aren't binding precedent on courts in New York or any other state - those courts in need not follow them, deciding California is just being nutty California again.

The reason we are told that if Vermont okayed gay marriage, then our states "must do so also" is because if Vermont okayed gay marriage and allowed out-of-staters to get married there, your state residents would go to Vermont to get married. Then, absent a law to the contrary, your state might have to give full faith and credit to Vermont's marriage laws, effectively making them married inside your state.