[King Prout]

I have some arbitrary standards of my own

1. is the satellite's primary a star?

if no: it ain't a planet
if yes to 1 and 2:

2. Is the body essentially spherical?

if no: it ain't a planet
if yes:

3. does the body in question have sufficient gravity to maintain the stable orbit(s) of natural satellite(s) of its own?

if no: it ain't a planet
if yest to all the above: it IS a planet

[King Prout]

if no: it ain't a planet
if yes to 1 and 2:

2. Is the body essentially spherical?
if no: it ain't a planet
if yes:

need more coffee...

[steve-b]

does the body in question have sufficient gravity to maintain the stable orbit(s) of natural satellite(s) of its own?

That depends on how far from the sun it is, which isn't really a good criterion.

[Skywarner]

But, how would you rate Helen Thomas?