Posted on 06/12/2006 9:27:43 AM PDT by aculeus
ROFLMAO!
The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park and was in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The bassists in the back of the orchestra decided they had a few minutes to spare before being required to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for a few beers. As it was quite a windy day, before they left for the pub, they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece.
Rather than leisurely enjoyment of one beer, the bassists decided they would actually prefer hasty enjoyment of multiple beers. After finishing their fourth or fifth beverage they decided that they had better hurry, because the last movement of the ninth symphony was underway. Unfortunately, two of the bassists had passed out, and had to be left behind. The others stumbled back onto the bandstand, but in their inebriated state they found they were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success.
The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied, the bassists were loaded, and two men were out.
Lib: "I just dont think guns are funny and nobody should own one."
And the lib would quickly add:
"But I do support abortion. After all, it's only fetal tissue, and a woman has the right to do what she wants with her own body."
Funny, funny stuff folks. Thanks to all. Here are 2 of my favorites:
This fellow comes into the psychiatrist's office with a duck on his head.
Psychiatrist:"Yes, may I help you|?"
Duck:"Yeah, doc, can you get this guy off my ass?"
Young Indian boy to his grandfather, the leader of the tribe:
"Grandfather, one of your duties is to name all the babies when they are born. Just how do you decide the name?"
Grandfather:"Beloved grandson, I listen to the Spirit. I observe the sky, the earth, and the weather. After a short period of meditation, I open my eyes and name the child after the first thing I see. But why do you ask, Two Dogs F*****g?"
Patient: Well Doc, it is a irritating problem that I'm getting tired of as I get older. Every time I go the the bathroom and urinate, I can't seem to shake that last drop out and I'm tired of staining my underwear.
Doc: Let me do some quick research to see what we can do.
After researching through his AMA Journals, Doc comes back to his patient.
"I have found a solution. It will be simple procedure where I can implant a nose hair to the end of your penis. It is classified as In-Patient and I can do it right here in my Office.
The patient agreed and the procedure was done that day. Now when he goes to urinate, finishes and that last drop comes out, it rolls down the length on the implanted hair and.........SNIFF.
Ping for later...
And this one from the recent election.
An older man in a VFW hat walks up to the Marine on guard at the White House and asks "Can I get in to see President Kerry?"
The Marine, feeling sorry for the old guy, gently explains "Sir, John Kerry is not the President. George Bush is the President".
The next day the same thing happens again. The old man asks "Can I get in to see President Kerry?" The Marine, a little more aggravated says "Sir, John Kerry is not the President. George Bush is the President".
A third day the same thing happens. The old man asks "Can I get in to see President Kerry?" By now the Marine has had it. "Sir, I'm telling you now for the third time. John Kerry is not the President. George Bush is the President".
The old man smiles and says "Yes, I know. I just like hearing you say it."
"YES SIR! ANY TIME!" barks the Marine snapping off a smart saulte.
That joke is from the Department of Redundancy Department!
Pakistani Dalek? as in Daleks from Dr Who?
Now that's punny!
bump
A cop rapped on the window and said, "I'm next buddy" I said, "OK but I've never done it to a cop before".
A fellow dies on the job and his best friend says he needs to take time off to let his wife know. The supervisor says he's been trained to know how to handle such matters of delicacy and he'll do it. The super goes to the man's house and when the wife answers the door, he says " Are you the widow Jones?" she says " I'm not the widow Jones, my husband isn't dead, The super says "The fu*k he ain't".
Did you hear the one about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?
Only if it's told correctly!
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would highly recommend it."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know ...the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Just remember; tragedy is something bad that happens to me. Comedy is something bad that happens to you.
Classic.....I gotta take that one home to the old lady.
"If I give that outhouse a good push," thought the boy, "It'll fall into the river and float away downstream and I'll never see it again!"
After thinking about how much he hated the outhouse, the boy decided to do just that. He gave the outhouse a good push and as he hoped, the outhouse fell into the river and floated away out-of-sight downstream.
A few hours later, the boy saw his Pa coming towards him and by the angry look on his Pa's face, the boy knew what was coming. He thought of many possible lies to cover up his act, but then he remembered the story of George Washington and the Cherry Tree and how telling the truth was the best way to deal with a bad act.
"Boy, " said his Pa, "What happened to the outhouse?"
"I cannot tell a lie", replied the boy, "I done push that crummy old tin outhouse into the river and then it floated out-of-sight downstream."
"Well boy, I'm a fixing to give you a whupping for that!"
"But Pa, when George Washington chopped down that Cherry Tree and then told the truth 'bout it, he didn't get no whupping!" the boy cried.
"Son, I don't reckon that George Washington's Pa was sitting in the Cherry Tree at the time."
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.