Simple, ban vodka in Russia.
Vodka? If only vodka... Well, here is a piece from a book on drunkenness [Venedict Erofeev, "Moskva-Petushki"] for you:
To drink mere vodka, even from the bottleneck - there is nothing in it besides spiritual languor and vanity. To mix vodka and cologne - there is a certain caprice in it, but no pathos. But to drink a glass of "Canaan balsam" - there is a caprice, an idea, and pathos, and besides it, a metaphysical hint.
Which component of "Canaan balsam" do we appreciate above others? Of course, denatured alcohol. But the denatured alcohol, while being an object of inspiration, is by itself completely devoid of any inspiration whatsoever. What, then, do we most appreciate in the denatured alcohol? Of course, the naked taste sensation. And even above that the miasma that the denatured alcohol emanates. To attenuate that miasma, one needs at least a little flavor. For this reason to the denatured alcohol one adds in the ratio 1:2:1 some dark beer, best of all "Ostankino" or "Senator", and purified wood lacquer.
I will not remind you how to purify the wood lacquer - every baby knows it. Somehow nobody in Russia knows what Pushkin died from, but everyone knows how to purify the wood lacquer.
So, write down the recipe of "Canaan balsam". The life is given to man only once, and one should live it so as not to mistake the recipes (allusion to the official quotation):
Denatured alcohol 100 g
Dark beer 200 g
Purified wood lacquer 100 g
And so, now you have "Canaan balsam" (people call it "brown-black bitch") - the liquid of brownish-black color, with moderate strength and strong aroma. It is not an aroma, it is an anthem. An anthem of democratic youth. Precisely so, because those who have drunk this cocktail become vulgar and overcome by dark forces. How many times I've observed it!
To avoid these dark forces, there are two ways: first, don't drink "Canaan balsam". And second, drink instead of it the "Geneva Spirit". It doesn't have a drop of nobility, but it has the flavor. You'll ask me: what is the secret of this flavor? I'll answer: I do not know. Then you'll think and ask: what's the answer to the riddle? And the answer is that the cologne "White Lilac", one of "Geneva Spirit" components, shall not be substituted by anything, neither by "Jasmine", nor by "Shipr", nor by "Silver Lily".
"There are no equivalents among the components" - as the old alchemists used to say, and they knew what they were talking about. "Silver Lily" is not "White Lilac" even in moral aspect, to say nothing about the bouquets.
"Lily", for example, stimulates the mind, worries the consciousness, and strengthens the discipline. "White Lilac", to the contrary, calms down the consciousness and reconciles one with one's life...
With me it was like this: I drank a whole bottle of "Silver Lily", and I was sitting and crying. Why was I crying?- Because I remembered my Mom, I remembered and could not forget my Mom. "Mom"- I said. And I cried. And again: "Mom" - and again cried. Another, more stupid person, would be still sitting and crying. But me? I took a bottle of "White Lilac" and drank it. And wouldn't you know - tears dried, stupid laughter overcame me, and as for the Mom - I forgot even her name. And so, I laugh at people who, while preparing "Geneva Spirit", add "Silver Lily" to the medication against sweaty feet!
Listen to the recipe:
"White Lilac" 50 g
The medication against sweaty feet 50 g
Zhigulevskoye beer 200 g
Alcohol-based lacquer 150 g
But if a man does not want to trample the earth needlessly, he should send to hell both "Canaan balsam" and "Geneva Spirit". He'd better sit down and mix himself a "Young communist girl's tear". This cocktail is smelly and strange. Why it is smelly, you'll learn later. At first I'll explain why it's strange.
A person drinking simple vodka either preserves both the sound mind and the good memory or loses both. But with the "Young communist girl's tear" it's outright funny - when one drinks 100 grams of that "tear", the memory remains good, but there's no trace of sound mind. After 100 more grams one is surprised: where did all this sound mind come from? And where did all good memory go?
Even the recipe of the "tear" is fragrant. And from the prepared cocktail, from its aroma, one can faint for a minute. I, for example, fainted.
Lavender 15 g
Verbena 15 g
"Forest Water" 30 g
Nail polish 2 g
Tooth elixir 150 g
Lemonade 150 g
This mixture should for twenty minutes be stirred with honeysuckle branch. Some people say that if necessary, the honeysuckle can be substituted by convolvulus. This is erroneous and criminal. You can cut me to pieces, but you won't force me to stir "Young communist girl's tear" with convolvulus - I'll stir it with honeysuckle. I break my sides with laughter when in my presence somebody stirs the "Young communist girl's tear" with convolvulus and not with honeysuckle... But enough about the "tear". Now I offer you the last and the best. "The end of work is better than all prizes" - as the poet said. I offer you the cocktail "Bitch's Guts" - the drink eclipsing everything. What is the most beautiful thing in the world? - The struggle for the liberation of mankind (again Marx's questionnaire and his answer quoted). And this is even more beautiful (write it down):
Zhigulevskoye beer 100 g
Shampoo "Sadko" 30 g
Anti-dandruff medication "Resol" 70 g
Medication against sweaty feet 30 g
Desinsectal for extermination of small insects 20 g
This mixture is for one week kept over cigar tobacco and is then served...
I received some letters where the readers recommended filtering the tincture thus obtained. Those corrections and additions spring from weak imagination and lack of fantasy - that's where these stupid corrections come from...
And so, "Bitch's Gut" is served. Drink it with the appearance of the first star, by large gulps. After only two glasses of this cocktail one becomes so spirited that you can come close and for the whole half an hour spit in his face from five feet - and he wouldn’t say anything to you."