The other face of domestic violence

CNN ^ | April 7, 2006 | Ted Rowlands

[CrawDaddyCA]

SARASOTA, Florida (CNN) -- When I met Leo, Paul and Tom at a domestic violence shelter here in Sarasota, Florida, it was hard to believe the three men's story: that they were victims of physical abuse at the hands of their female partners.

Leo, who is about 6 feet tall and said he weighed more than 200 pounds at the time of the abuse, said his girlfriend terrorized him while he was recovering from a heart transplant.

[starbase]

His wife came outside and started berating him in front of all of us...The guy just stood there and took it.

I met another older guy who gave me a ride to town in Wyoming after my car caught on fire on the highway (long story). He was a truck driver and started telling me about his divorce. Said he used to have a million dollar company, now he just drove this one truck.

He said his business was running great and he got married to this woman with two daughters. At first things were OK, but by and by they all started dumping on him. He said the daughters would walk in and say "f*** you" to him, the wife treated him like crap too, did nothing about the daughters, then divorced him and got most of his possessions.

I asked him what was he feeling when the daughters talked to him like that, he said "I just wanted it to stop." I guess once the marriage is in place, and the attending financial obligations are there, then breaking it all up is a long and costly, and lonely, process that unscrupulous or nasty people can use as leverage against a man or woman.

I for one would recognize the fact that pain only would result from that behavior and would have it out at the outset. I'd say "Say what? Listen little Missy, you watch you crap filled pie hole or you won't be in my house for long. And if your mother doesn't like it you can take the b**** with you.".

Actually, understanding the stakes of marriage, I think I would have weeded people like that lady and her nasty daughters out of the mix long before I said "I do.".

[Philistone]

Bingo! Right on.

My ex was rarely physically violent, but my FIRST concern during those attacks was that I might accidently hurt her while defending myself. I knew very well who the cops would throw in jail in that case. And so did she.

In this society, women are ALWAYS victims, and men are ALWAYS the agressors. Forget what the facts and the statistics say.

[SamAdams76]

When the police come to the scene of a domestic disturbance, they have pressure on them to walk away with someone. And, it AIN'T gonna be her.

Actually I've seen a few episodes of COPS where the woman got carted away. Of course, that is the exception to the rule.

All I can say is that men should be very careful who they marry. If, during the courtship, the woman shows any signs whatsoever of being vindictive, hateful, etc., get away and stay away. For they will haunt your life forever once you let them into it.

[CrawDaddyCA]

You should have offed him, lord knows he tried to do the same to you.

[rlmorel]

I agree.

[Mr. Jeeves]

Actually, understanding the stakes of marriage, I think I would have weeded people like that lady and her nasty daughters out of the mix long before I said "I do.".

Well, that's the key...and what a lot of men who get into these situatuons don't do. I maintain there are always plenty of clues about someone's character long before the "I do" comes to pass. Qualification on things other than physical appearance is essential.

[CrawDaddyCA]

If, during the courtship, the woman shows any signs whatsoever of being vindictive, hateful, etc., get away and stay away. For they will haunt your life forever once you let them into it.

Excellent advise. If I'd known then what I know now...

[WorkingClassFilth]

I am aware of all that you say and would agree that it is the conventional wisdom. It is, however, wrong. There are studies that demonstrate that F-->M abuse rates are much higher.

The reasons are as follows:

1. Feminists have succeeded in casting males in an unquestioned legal role as the major domestic abuser. Your post exemplifies that prejudice in that you assume males are more aggressive. I would postulate that females are no less aggressive - only in different ways.

2. This power females hold over males tends to increase the license some women have to act aggressively knowing that they can, and do, things that nature and physical advantage would never allow them otherwise.

3. The victims (M) are reluctant to report such abuse because of the legal problems, pride and the institutional prejudice against them. In similar ways, divorce laws mirror what I am saying.

4. Abuse is so broadly defined today, it can range from words to physical assault. Under this fluid definition, at the least, women would tend to score very nearly that of men since they are of the same human material and motivated by many of the same goals. To hold the moral superiority of females over males is to buy into the fallacy of reason #1.

5. Modern culture encourages female violent behavior through many different avenues. Even here on FR, neo-cons push the idea of female combat roles. Movies extol the mythic female warrior image. Public schools provide aggressive sports outlets such as co-ed wrestling and football to girls. Martial arts and eroticism are increasingly combined in all kinds of weird combinations from mud-wrestling to who-knows-what.

6. Males are increasingly culturally suppressed from their earliest school days. The drugging of children (>M) to eliminate physical activity is unquestionably on the increase and as a result, the cultural pressure on men caught in such situations will only be increased NOT to admit or seek action against such problems.

Well, that's enough off the top of my head. The stats are out there and the studies exist. Like the false assumption that women are laboring under unfair working conditions and less pay than men for the same work, it is time to put this dog to sleep.

[Mr. Jeeves]

In this society, women are ALWAYS victims, and men are ALWAYS the agressors.

I think some truths of human nature were better understood by earlier societies:

"Nature has given woman so much power that it is well that the law has given her little." -- Samuel Johnson

[Philistone]

Unfortunately, in many cases it doesn't really manifest itself until after the birth of a child. There are many reasons for this (post-partum depression, jealousy of the attention the child receives, feelings of inadequacy in the face of raising children, body image problems, increased power over the father if he loves his children knowing that he will stay for the sake of the children, etc.).

I have wracked my brain (trust me) for signs that I should have seen before we got married, but the real trouble started after my daughter was born.

[speed_addiction]

You should have offed him, lord knows he tried to do the same to you.

That probably would have been the prudent thing to do, but had I done that, I never would have discovered that my wife and her lover had been behind hiring him. He never said anything when he was charged and sentenced. Later when he was in prison he talked and someone who knew me got back to me about it.

My ex-wife hated me. Getting married to me was supposed to be her way out of her abusive home. Her plan was to divorce me as soon as possible. A real wrench went into the works when she got pregnant 20 days after our wedding.

It quickly got to the point where the best times of my life were when she was not around. It was one of the reasons I loved being in the Rangers so much when I enlisted in the Army. We lived in the field and were deployed often, giving me frequent respites from that b*tch.


She was a volleyball player, standing 5'11" almost 6'tall. She had a very voluptous stripper pole worthy figure and the physical strength of a lifelong athlete. She would get physical with me at times when our arguments escalated. I never did strike her, but several times I had to grapple with her to get her under control. I would usually spin her into a position where I could be behind her and use her own arms crossed in front of her in a bear hug. More than once I had to push her face down on the bed and hold her there, not being able to breathe to get her to quiet down.

Strange as it may seem, our sexual relationship was pretty spectacular. I hate her guts just as much as she hates mine, I am am sure we would wind up in bed together again if we saw each other. I would keep my gun under my pillow just in case, though.


What We Are About To Do Here Is What The Good Lord Would Call A Cleansing of the Wicked. I Call It A Good Old Fashioned Texas Ass Kicking.

[OKIEDOC]

Lesbian domestic violence

Comment:

I went to a club years ago with a friend and her girl friend to meet some other friends of the friend.

The club turned out to be a lesbian hang out.

The visit was interesting because during the time in the club several arguments broke out between women angry over some perceived hit on their partner.

Several times drunk gals went out into the alley to duke it out over who was with who.

I guess one visit to a gay lesbian club doesn't make me an expert but I later was told that this was common in the gay community.

[Ukiapah Heep]

Sez you now. Try that comment after a week of sleep-deprivation from the ex, and massive grilling from blue-state DV cops.

You'll be commenting out of the other side of your pie-hole.

[rlmorel]

Your post exemplifies that prejudice in that you assume males are more aggressive

That, my friend, is not a prejudice, that is a fact. Males ARE more aggressive, but that declines as they get older. It is no accident that the VAST majority of violent crime involves men, and that the VAST majority of assaults on both men and women are perpetrated and carried out by men, and that the prison populations of men far outnumber women, even though in the general population, our relative populations hovers around 50-50.

When men mean to hurt, they more often do it.

When men mean to kill, they more often do it.

When men mean to commit suicide, they are more successful at it 75% of the time.

Car accidents involving fatalities and excessive speed have a higher proportion of men.

I would be willing to bet you money that if you were to look at recreation-related deaths (mountain climbing, sky diving, kayaking, etc.) That there would be a higher proportion of male deaths. This is NOT just because more men might do certain of those activities, but in my opinion, they are often much more reckless when doing so.

I am a man. My wife often is horrified and amazed when I tell her the things I did as a boy and a young man. Sometimes not just dangerous or stupid, but often dangerous AND stupid. She says that none of the girls or young women she knew ever did those kinds of things, and I can almost always confidently state that nearly all the guys I know did. Bottom line, men, particularly young men, may or may not be as mature or intelligent as a young woman of the same age, but they are undeniably more agressive. It is biology at work.

I once made the comment to a woman in this very forum (in relation to the young, good looking blonde teacher who had sex with her student) that "Just as I will never know what it is like to be pregnant, and can only intellectualize it, you will never know what it feels like to be a 14 year old boy who feels like the top of his skull has been removed, and his brain is being sprayed with a firehose of pure testosterone."

[Old_Mil]

Guys that get abused by women cried during Brokeback Mountain, and are destined to die from bird flu.

The guy was recovering from a heart transplant. Not that this should get you to cut him some slack.

[rlmorel]

LOL!...Good God, sounds like those beasts who have to mate very carefully so they don't kill each other!

[SoCal Pubbie]

Like me for instance? Thanks for the ignorant comment that makes you look like a fool.

[Old_Mil]

Anybody with a link to the stats showing female domestic abuse at higher rates than M-->F should post 'em if they've got it.

I don't think you'll find a stat like that while many of us had dad drill into our heads "you never, ever strike a woman," there are a lot of guys who grew up in single parent households or abusive households were nothing, or the opposite behavior was modeled.

Now, if you start including the passive-aggressive use of restraining orders, CPS, the court system, the police, etc by women I fully expect the F--->M rate will far exceed the M--->F rate.

[rlmorel]

In the case of this guy who had the transplant, what a beastly excuse for a human being that woman must be.

She probably ripped his first heart, beating, out of his chest.

[Chode]

the ONLY thing that stoped me from giving the first wife the beating she so richly deserved... was i was afraid that she'd LIKE IT!!! i left.