Posted on 02/28/2006 1:23:15 AM PST by beaversmom
Fascinating research suggests that as many as one in five thirtysomething British women is planning a child-free future.
When Jemma North was eight years old she had an epiphany. 'At school, someone's mum was pregnant. All the other little girls were really excited, but all I could think was, "You go through all that and all you have at the end of it is a baby?" I decided then that I would never have children.'
Of course, Jemma's pronouncement was dismissed, much as if she'd announced a plan to be a circus clown. But today, aged 32, married and surrounded by peers who are starting families, she is as adamant about her choice as ever. Yet everyone from family to complete strangers is constantly telling her: 'You'll change your mind.' If they do take her seriously, they warn her: 'You'll regret it.' It infuriates her.
'I don't want children, my husband doesn't want them and we're happy as we are,' she insists. 'The only thing that makes me unhappy is people questioning my decision all the time.'
In our society few objects attract greater pity than the childless woman. She is, we assume, old, unfulfilled, shallow, emotionally damaged, out of touch with the greatest truths of the universe. Almost daily, headlines warn about thirtysomething career women risking heartbreak by delaying pregnancy. Couples spend thousands of pounds to endure the physical and mental ordeal of IVF.
Yet for Jemma, who works for an engineering firm in Northampton, such a vision had no power to frighten. 'I am more put off by the image of being a mother,' she tells me. 'I'm not saying mothers are stupid, because, of course, a lot are far more intelligent than me, but that was my early impression. It seemed to be the thing you did if you had no other ambition.'
Jemma is far from alone. According to the Office of National Statistics, one in five British women in their thirties has decided not to have children. And it may be that a number of these have had less choice in the matter than they thought. Geneticists at the Wellcome Trust Sanger Institute in Cambridge have demonstrated in mice that mutations on a certain gene can cause mothers to neglect their offspring. The same gene also exists in humans.
But whatever the social or genetic forces that play upon us, becoming a mother is still seen as a defining moment. Magazines are full of celebrities such as Gwyneth Paltrow gushing about how her Oscar means nothing compared to the delights of changing Apple's nappy. In contrast, rare are the voices of women such as the actress Helen Mirren, who has admitted: 'I didn't have that desire to be a mother and I don't think a lot of women do. A lot are pressured into it and they're miserable.' And whenever such comments are voiced, they are usually drowned out by a clamour of disapproval and disbelief.
'Oh, I am fed up of having to justify myself on this subject!' explodes Nicki Defago, a 39-year-old married and childfree (to use her preferred jargon) broadcast journalist. She is the author of Childfree and Loving It!, a book written after she discovered Amazon offered more than 1,000 tomes about what children eat but none about the advantages of childlessness.
'When you say you don't want children, you get the same reaction you'd have got 20 years ago if you said you were gay,' Nicki continues. 'I imagine it's a bit like you must feel if you don't go to church in America. A big section of society is appalled at the notion that there are ladies who don't want to have a baby, and quite a lot of people aren't judgemental but still just can't get it.'
Until I started researching this article, I confess, I fell firmly in the latter camp. Aware of the devastation children would wreak on my carefree life, I nonetheless always hoped to have them. So fundamental was this desire that I was sceptical of women who claimed they didn't want children. As far as I was concerned, they were just trying to put a brave face on the fact that they were unable to conceive, or had never found the right man, or had been bludgeoned by their partner into agreeing not to have them.
Nicki doesn't see it that way. 'You get a far better reception if you tell people you tried and couldn't have children, than if you tell them you don't want them,' she corrects me. But why are people who, for example, are supportive of gay rights, unable to get their heads round the idea that not everyone wants to breed?
Nicki thinks it is because the issue of children 'goes so deeply. A high percentage of us now think there's no God and if you add to that there's no need to reproduce then what on earth is it all for? Choosing not to have children gets to the heart of all those big issues.'
Existential questions apart, much of the debate seems to be fuelled by a baser jealousy. However much they love their children, most parents still yearn for aspects of their old lives.
To see a childless friend enjoying the orderliness, extra cash and spontaneity they have lost, with no apparent sense of 'missing out', can be horribly undermining. Recently the 53-year-old model Marie Helvin explained that her youthful looks were down to a life of no children and, therefore, no stress - a comment that sent a visceral pang through every mother slathering Touche Eclat on her eyebags.
'I know one father of small children who's always saying things like, "Ooh, it's not fair, you are going on holiday next week, we have to go in the school holidays,"' says Jemma North. 'He doesn't seem to appreciate that it's not a question of fairness, that I made a decision to live like this.'
For Regan Forrest, 30, a museums exhibit organiser from Leicester, the downside of children starts with conception. 'I'm uncomfortable with the physical changes of pregnancy and labour,' she admits. 'In my twenties I had body image issues. I've learnt to put up with that but the idea of putting your body through an unknown process is completely terrifying. The turning-point came at a work dinner when a colleague started going on about how his wife had disembowelled herself during labour,' she recalls.
'My partner's a doctor and the obstetric part of his training completely repulsed him. I'd never want him to be repulsed by me.'Equally daunting was the prospect of combining her career with childcare. 'I like to give my career 100 per cent. I don't think I could do the at-home mum thing.'
To parents, such misgivings may seem narcissistic and defeatist. But, Regan retorts, 'I'm demonstrating a degree of self-awareness. I may be selfish but at least I'm not going to let my selfishness affect another person. Anyway, what could be more selfish than propagating your genes? People say that on a biological level that is what we are here to do, but as a species we have transcended our biology. We don't live in caves any more and we don't need to breed.'
Like all women I spoke to, Regan is unconvinced by the arguments in favour of parenthood - the almost transcendent love you feel for children, the joy of watching them develop. 'Maybe women like us are mentally deficient,' says Regan. 'But we're so lucky to be born at this point in history. In the past, I'm sure, women felt like us, but they didn't have a choice.'
The polarity between the two camps could not be sharper. When I told friends who are mothers, or hope to be, about this article, they repeatedly said that - while intellectually respecting the position of the childless - emotionally they found it completely alien. Similarly, child-free women are politely disbelieving when they listen to friends describe a yearning for babies that is almost like a physical ache.
'I'd love to be sympathetic when I hear about women breaking their hearts trying to get IVF, but I can't. It's the opposite of what I feel,' says Anne-Marie Greenslade, 28, a mental-health worker from Warrington, Cheshire. 'I must look so callous when they're telling me, but I can't help it. I simply can't imagine being in their position.'
And there are compelling statistics to back up Anne-Marie's decision. Surveys show that people who choose not to have children (as opposed to those who desperately want them, but can't) tend to have better marriages, better finances and are no more likely to be unhappy in old age than parents.
Alison Townley, 55, a civil servant from Glasgow, toyed with the idea of becoming a mother in her twenties because it was what society expected of her, but felt unable to take the plunge. Today she has no regrets. 'The anguish I was warned about simply isn't there, which surprised me but in a wonderful way. My husband and I revel in our freedom and we resent implications that our life somehow has no purpose. When people have children they seem to give up on their own aspirations and pass the buck on to the next generation. I love the idea that I can still achieve my potential, rather than foisting all my hopes on some other sap.'
Indeed, there are some idiots who think that one's brain does not start working until there is a little human running around to whom one has contributed genetic material. Of course, one can come up with countless examples of people who have achieved this reproductive milestone without reaching any meaningful threshold of mental activity.
Face it, people who resent those who choose not to have children are probably at least subconsciously unhappy with their choice. That's too bad.
Whatever. I stick by my post. I do not resent people not choosing to have children, I admire their ability to discern that they aren't parental material or that they have other interests and desires. Some people should not reproduce. All I'm saying is that one's perspective changes radically when you do have kids. As I alluded to in my earlier post, some of you already have transcended this step in life and need no self-affirming relationships to give your lives meaning. As for me, the sum total of my life would be fairly meaningless without my children and I'm not afraid to admit it.
The author of this piece would spit on me like a dog for having a perspective like that. Flame away Beelze.
Yep. When they take that tack, they remind people of DUmmies ranting about conservatives for their "selfish" desire to keep the money they earned instead of having it confiscated for the latest and greatest social program.
Agreed, but the suggestion that it changes for the better is questionable.
Boat loads of information suggest otherwise. No, I'm not looking it up for you.
>>the sum total of my life would be fairly meaningless without my children and I'm not afraid to admit it. The author of this piece would spit on me like a dog for having a perspective like that.
Actually, there is nothing in the article to suggest that she has contempt for your choice. She is mostly objecting to the contempt others express for her choice. Does your "perspective" make you unable to discern this?
Actually, my perspective makes me able to discern that people like you are the sanctimonious ones who bristle at the thought that parents may know or have something you don't. I already admitted that NOT ALL PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS, but you don't seem to get that. And if you cannot infer from this author's tone that SHE doesn't approve of my choices then I suppose you have a discernment problem yourself.
Now stop bothering me and go get some liposuction or something.
Okey dokey.
I'm not your dear and you make me uncomfortable being so familiar on a conservative forum by addressing me in that manner. You were the one that said Dr. Laura listeners were happier parents. Some of us actually read the thread and your contradictions do not advance your viewpoint.
What I fail to understand (in regards to many of the commenters) is why they have such issues with people's personal decisions? I don't judge others for wanting to have children and people shouldn't judge me (or other childfree people) for making this personal decision. Having a child is a HUGE decision to make and it shouldn't be made lightly...not everyone should have kids.
You have grandchildren to take on their first long train trip. First one for me, too. Who else am I going to spend my money on? They are nearly 19 and 21 and we are going to have a blast. Daughter is going along too.
Is that the kind of kids you raised?
Absolutely agreed.
Self-worship is a harsh religion. It must be lonely, trapped in there with nothing but one's own nerve endings for eighty years or so.
We just had our first child, and I don't think I've ever been happier -- poopy diapers, lack of sleep, hypersonic screams, and all.
It has begun to dawn on me that the only time a human being is truly happy is when one is not thinking of oneself. There's nothing like having children and loving them as God intended to make one foget about one's own self.
don't worry. the children self absorbed women dont have will be replaced babies from welfare queens and bums. And then some
Oh sure. Big deal they don't have kids, but it is our children and grandchildren who will have to put up with the muslims who take over. That does not sound too good to me. Maybe my kids should not have kids. Maybe I will speak with them...Just kidding. I have over 10 years before they have kids anyway at least. Oldest will be 9 next week. Oh and I have all boys (3). Ya!!!!!
I am stationed over in Europe and I just don't see where this anti-religious attitudes that FREEPERS have towards Europeans. They are a very religious area. Far more than we are. They actually teach religion in public schools, they have saint's days off from school and are holidays. You folks who have not touched foot in Europe are just anti-christians or something. I don't understand your discomfort with Europe especially France who is losing lives in Afganistan by the day. But for some reason you don't care about that only that the Muslims are bombing a couple cars once a year. Oh well, I just got back yesterday from Dublin, Ireland and saw the St. Patrick's Day parade and they had Catholic schools and private schools in the parade. Can we really say that our parades have that every year? Dublin is very religious. In fact, if you want to tour a church, you have to sit in the pew until Mass is completely over.
All this "Eurabia" propaganda is BS
It is being lied about from Americans who have never stepped foot in Europe. Idiots and I am sad to say quite a few here. I have been in Europe for 18 months and have yet even seen a muslim. Funny how these folks think they are crawling around like ants. I am so glad that I have had the opportunity to see it for myself instead of listening to these fools!
Yup! :)
I'll respect the "childfree" when they stop talking about how ignorant and ambitionless "breeders" are....
I don't think those who choose to have children are ambition less and ignorant in the least. There are a lot of ignorant people out there and they certainly don't just pertain to parents but all different groups.
I know a lot of people that are amazing parents and I think anyone who can really be a good parent (such as my fiance with his daughter) is someone I admire quite a bit. I know I do not have it in me to have children but if it's something you believe in...all the power to you.
Well Said.
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