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Mayberry Quotes:

[shouting to several prisoners]

Barney Fife: Now here at the Rock we have two rules. Memorize them until you can say them in your sleep. Rule number one: obey all rules. Rule number two: no writing on the walls.

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Aunt Bee: Opie, we need to go see about getting you some new jeans.

Andy: Again? I swear that boy goes through jeans like he was wearing sandpaper

underwear.

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Barney: "Gomer, get down there with those spiders!"

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Aunt Bee: Opie, you need to go next door and see Floyd about a haircut.

Opie: But Aunt Bee, those little hairs get down my neck and they itch like crazy.

Aunt Bee: Well, after the haircut, go home and take a bath.

Opie: Wow, a haircut and a bath the same day. This is turning out worse than I thought.

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When speaking of the mysterious stranger who seems to know everybody and everything

in town:

Andy: Oh, oh, you mean he's here to learn all our secrets? You mean like how we make

'possum pie, and turnip jam . . . lawwwww, you don't think he's here to find out how

we make fried chicken and jonny cakes?

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Andy: "Barney, I don't believe that dog could find his own food dish."

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Opie: But Aunt Bee, he kicked me right in the pit of my back.

Aunt Bee: Tomorrow I'll rub it down with some witch hazel.

Opie: Witch hazel makes my eyes water.

Aunt Bee: Okay, you won't see so well, but you'll feel better.

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Andy: "Ernest T., let me ask you something - did your mother ever used to hit you?"

Ernest: "Oh, yes. She was wonderful!"

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Andy: When Floyd was a youngun, he used to practice on cats. We had the baldest cats in the county.

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Andy: If somebody ask you to marry them, the polite thing to do is marry them back.

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Aunt Bea -"Must have been one of those savages" Andy - "That'd be my guess"

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Gomer: I think I'll go to Foley's market. They're looking for an experienced butcher.

Andy: You know anything about cuttin meat?

Gomer: Think they'll ask me that?

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Barney: Dogs, Andy nothing but Dogs.

Andy: BARNEY!!

Barney: Andy, if you flew a quail throw this room, every woman in here would point.

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Barney: she sweet talked me Andy?

Andy: sweet talked ya? What did she say?

Barney: she said Barney ...Honey....Sugar....Creeeeeeeeampuuuuff

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(reading headline from Opie's school newspaper)

Andy Taylor says preacher's dry as dust?!?!

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Andy: It'll kill em.

John Masters: A hundred years from now who will know the difference.

Andy: Well Barney's not the kind to forget.

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Barney: Well, there were these folks and ... well how else were they gonna get emancipated

unless they had a proclamation. So they got themselves a proclamation and they

called it the Emancipation Proclamation. I'm surprised at you not knowin' that Anj.

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Barney: One thing about Gypsies though, they're moody!

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Barney: "Mayberry...gateway to danger."

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Barney: "From your head down to your feet, there is nothing quite as sweet; as Juanita, Juanita, lovely, dear Juanite."

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Barn: Ain't chicken spelled 'i-n'?

Andy: No, he's got it right... 'i' before 'e' except after 'c', and 'e' before 'n' in chicken.

Barn: I always forget that rule.

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Andy: Well I'll be dogged, Tom Silvy! I ain't seen you since.......your funeral!

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Brisco: There's witchery in your family! Andy: Just a little on my mama's side!

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Barney (Repeating Graffiti About Himself From Off The Bank)) "There once was a deputy called Fife, Who carried a gun and a knife. The gun was all rusty, And the knife was all dusty, Cause he never caught a crook in his life."

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Opie: "Guess where I been!"

Andy: "Well I give up. Where?"

Opie: "I can't tell ya. But ya know what I did? I joined a club!"

Andy: "Well that's fine. What club was that?"

Opie: "I can't tell ya."

Andy: "You're kinda' secret ain't ya?"

Opie: "Uh huh. Know where we meet?"

Andy: "No. Where?"

Opie: "I can't tell ya. I got a job in the club too."

Andy: "You have?"

Opie: "Know what it is?"

Andy: "No. What?"

Opie: "I can't tell ya."

Barney: "Doggone it, why can't you tell us?"

Opie: "Well, I can't tell ya why I can't tell ya."

Andy: "For heaven sakes, why not?"

Opie: "'Cause somethin' would happen to me."

Andy: "What would happen to ya?"

Opie: "I can't tell ya. ...Well, so long. I just thought I'd come by and tell ya."

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BARNEY: I'd like to make a reservation. Table for two about quarter past one.....Yeah...B. Fife...That's right. Oh, and listen, put a bottle of your best red wine on ice for me will you? .....Room temperature? Oh, well, that's a matter of taste.

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Barney Fife: The last big buy was my mom's and dad's anniversary present.

Andy Taylor: What'd ya get 'em?

Barney Fife: A septic tank.

Andy Taylor: For their anniversary?

Barney Fife: They're awful hard to buy for. Besides, it was something they could use.They were really thrilled. It had two tons of concrete in it. All steel reinforced.

Andy Taylor: You're a fine son, Barn.

Barney Fife: I try.

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Andy: "Miss Peterson's Fluffy's on the roof again.

" Barn: "This is a time for pussy cats?! With a killer on the loose!"

Andy: "Well, Fluffy's got kittens and you know how ya feel seein' your mother on the roof."

Then Andy is heading out the door and Barney stops him, handing him a gun...

Barn: "Ange... at least take this."

Andy: "I won't be needin' that, Barn. Fluffy & I've been friends for years."

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Barney Fife: Man, we really packed it away, didn't we?

Andy Taylor: Yeah, boy.

Barney Fife: Fortunately, none of mine goes to fat. All goes to muscle.

Andy Taylor: Does, huh?

Barney Fife: It's a mark of us Fifes. Everything we eat goes to muscle.

[pats tummy]

Barney Fife: See there?

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ANDY: Well, if it ain't Charlie Money Bags, the big filandtrapist. Howdy do!

OPIE: What you talkin' 'bout, Paw?

ANDY: I'm talkin' about the Under Privileged Children's Drive.

OPIE: Oh, they collected for that at school, Paw.

ANDY: Oh, I know they did. OH, I know they did. And when they called you name you gave the large, generous amount of THREE CENTS. My that was big of ya' Diamond Jim.

OPIE: Did I give 'em too much, Paw?

ANDY: TOO MUCH!

OPIE: I could ask 'em to give back two cents.

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Floyd Lawson: You know, everyone complains about the weather but nobody does anything about it. Calvin Coolidge said that.

Andy Taylor: No, Floyd, that wasn't Calvin Coolidge that said that, it was Mark Twain.

Floyd Lawson: Then what did Calvin Coolidge say?

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Barney Fife: Well, today's eight-year-olds are tomorrow's teenagers. I say this calls for action and now. Nip it in the bud. First sign of youngsters going wrong, you've got to nip it in the bud.

Andy Taylor: I'm going to have a talk with them. What else do you want me to do?

Barney Fife: Well, don't just mollycoddle them.

Andy Taylor: I won't.

Barney Fife: Nip it. You go read any book you ant on the subject of child discipline and you'll find every one of them is in favor of bud-nipping.

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Andy Taylor: Well, Barney, you know we always give the truck drivers an extra five miles an hour so they can make it up Turner's Grade.

Barney Fife: Now Andy, if you let them take thirty, they'll take thirty-five. If you let them take thirty-five, they'll take forty. If you let them take forty, they'll take forty-five. If you...

Andy Taylor: Uh, Barn.

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Barney Fife: If there's anything that upsets me, it's having people say I'm sensitive.

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[Reassuring Opie after releasing a group of dogs to the countryside as a thunderstorm approaches]

Barney Fife: A dog can't get struck by lightning. you know why? 'Cause he's too close to the ground. See, lightning strikes tall things. Now if they were giraffes out there in the field, now then we'd have trouble.

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Andy Taylor: Goob, did anybody ever tell you you've got a big mouth?

Goober Pyle: Yeah, but I don't pay no attention to 'em.

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Barney Fife: [angry] Oh, you're just full of fun today, aren't you? Why don't we go up to the old people's home and wax the steps?

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[after a haircut at Floyd's]

Andy Taylor: Floyd.

Floyd Lawson: What's the matter?

Andy Taylor: My sideburns.

Floyd Lawson: Your sideburns - what's the matter with your sideburns?

Andy Taylor: Why, they're both even.

Floyd Lawson: Well, I'll be dogged. How'd that happen?

Andy Taylor: I declare, Floyd, I believe you're getting the hang of it. And looka there - they're the right length and everything.

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Aunt Bee Taylor: Did you like the white beans you had for supper?

Andy Taylor: Uh huh.

Aunt Bee Taylor: Well, you didn't say anything.

Andy Taylor: Well, I ate four bowls. If that ain't a tribute to white beans, I don't know what is.

Aunt Bee Taylor: Well...

Andy Taylor: Eating speaks louder than words.

Aunt Bee Taylor: You know, your education was worth every penny of it.

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Andy Taylor: What are you doing?

Barney Fife: Gun-drawing practice, ten minutes every day. If I ever have to use this baby, I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry.

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Barney Fife: Well, I guess to sum it up, you could say, there's three reasons why there's so little crime in Mayberry. There's Andy, and there's me, and

[patting gun]

Barney Fife: baby makes three.

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Andy Taylor: When a man carries a gun all the time, the respect he thinks he's getting might really be fear. So I don't carry a gun because I don't want the people of Mayberry to fear a gun. I'd rather they respect me.

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Barney Fife: If only someone would just kill somebody...

Andy Taylor: Barney.

Barney Fife: Well, maybe somebody would come through town and if they was gonna do some killin' anyways, they may as well do it here.

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[the Darlings have come to Andy for help with Ernest T. Bass]

Sheriff Andy Taylor: Well, Mr. Darling, can't you and your boys handle him?

Briscoe Darling: Well, we thought about killin' him, but we didn't want to go that far.

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[after getting in a fight with Andy]

Helen: Just who do you think you are, anyway, Mayberry's answer to Cary Grant?

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Sheriff Andy Taylor: Call the man.

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Barney Fife: Gentlemen, I give you science in action. Proof-positive the camera does not lie; it sees all, tells all.

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Barney Fife: Let's get this film down to the lab at Mrs. Mason's drugstore.

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Sheriff Andy Taylor: Somewhere wandering loose around Mayberry is a loaded goat.

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Barney Fife: They don't do things that way anymore. This is the Age of Science Know-How, electronal marvels.

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Barney Fife: What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a man take off a dress before?

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Barney Fife: All I'm saying is that there are some things beyond the ken of mortal man that shouldn't be tampered with. We don't know everything, Andy. There's plenty going on right now in the Twilight Zone that we don't know anything about and I think we ought to stay clear.

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Otis Campbell: Every man needs a hobby.

Barney Fife: But, Otis; you ain't got a hobby!

Otis Campbell: I do have a hobby; drinkin'!

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Gomer Pyle: Me and Goober are goin' down to see that Cary Grant movie. Goober never misses a Cary Grant movie. He studies him. You want to hear him take off on Cary Grant? C'mon, Goober; do Cary Grant.

Goober Pyle: Well, I don't know...

Andy Taylor: Well, Gom, if he doesn't want to...

Goober Pyle: I'll do it! Judy, Judy, Judy!

Gomer Pyle: [Laughing hysterically] Ain't that great, Andy? How do you do it? Let me try; Judy, Judy, I can't do it. Andy, couldn't you just swear it was Cary Grant standin' right before you in this room?

Andy Taylor: Uh, yeah, Gomer; that was real good, Goober.

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Barney Fife: [to a group of boys] Boys, when that steel door slams shut, that's the end of the happy days. No more fishin', no more ball playin', no more peanut butter sandwiches. [Door slams shut behind Barney]

Andy Taylor: [little boy holds out sandwich to Barney] No, No Leon; Barney can't have that.

Barney Fife: You're real funny, you know that. We ought to book you on one of those excursion lines.

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Andy Taylor: You date one woman all the time and pretty soon people start taking you for granted. They don't say, "Let's invite Andy," or "Let's invite Elly." No, they say. "Let's invite Andy and Elly!" See, then it's "Andy and Elly"; "Elly and Andy". A then, that's when that woman gets her claws into you!

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Andy Taylor: Let her go off somewhere else... gig some other frog.

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Barney Fife: I'll say it right to your face Otis, you've got a pickled liver!

Otis Campbell: Well it's better than having a pickled puss!

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BARNEY: Mayberry Sheriff's office; Town headquarters; Andy Taylor Sheriff; Deputy Barney Fife speaking, Hello?

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ANDY: .....I now pronounce you man and wife.(The couple embraces)

BRISCOE: All right everybody, back on the truck.......How much do I owe you Sheriff Justice?

ANDY: Well, usually it's two dollars, but I'll settle for a song!

BRISCOE: Gooood! How about something nice and sentimental for a weddin'!

ANDY: Good idea!

BRISCOE: All right boys, let's do "Keep your money in your shoes and it won't get wet" and a-one and a-two and a-.......

CHARLENE: Oh no, paw, that 'un makes me cry!

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BARN: Oh, he's loaded.

Floyd: I wonder how he got all that money.

Barn: You kiddin? Wilson's Orthopedic Insoles?

Floyd: That's the Charlie Wislon we know?

Barn: Yeah . . . got out of the fruit stand business and made a bundle.....he's a smart man......knew where the money was.

FLOYD: There's a lot of bad feet in this country.

BARN: Daddy you are sooo right.

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BARNEY: I don't know how they do it for 80 cents.

ANDY: I don't either, I tell you.

BARN: Three Vienna sausages-heavy on the tomato puree, slice of bread, and butter on a paper dish.

ANDY: And more than an ample portion of succotash. Don't leave out the succotash.

BARN: Yeah. You know, when you get a good meal like that with as good a service as Olive gives you, you don't mind leaving a generous tip.

ANDY: Did you leave a tip?

BARN: Well, yeah, a quarter.

ANDY: I did, too. B

ARN: A quarter? A

NDY: Yeah.

BARN: Well, Andy, didn't' you see me put a quarter down? That was supposed to be for the both of us.

ANDY: Huh. I'll be dogged. Oh, what the heck. It's just a quarter.

BARN: Well, no, Andy. That's just throwing money away. Look, I'll run back over there and put my hat down on one of the quarters and get it back.

ANDY: Barney, that's not necessary. Poor ol' Olive is a widow with four children. She can use it.

BARN: Oh, yeah. I forgot about that, bless her heart. (Pauses to contemplate the situation) Let's let her keep it.

ANDY: You're all heart, you know that, Barn.

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Ernest T. Bass: I'll jump on you and stomp a mud hole and then stomp it dry!

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Andy Taylor: [after learning Barney has spilled the beans about the gold shipment] Somewhere between here and Denver is seven million dollars headed for Mayberry, and you and me and Gomer and Laura Lee Hobbs, we're gonna' receive it.

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Barney Fife: [through a megaphone while directing the cave rescue] Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their neighbor! Repeat! Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their neighbor!

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Ernest T. Bass: If a duck stood still you could catch him by the bill.

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Andy Taylor: Opie! Time to come in son.

Opie Taylor: Aw Paw, just a little while longer... please?

Andy Taylor: Well, ok.

[to Barney] Andy Taylor: Daylight's precious when your a youngen'.

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Floyd Lawson: [while looking at himself in the mirror] Wretch, wretch! Deceitful wretch!

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Briscoe Darling: Dud, did you tell Ernest T. Bass the Sheriff wanted to see him?

Dud Walsh: I couldn't find him, Mr. Darlin'. His cousin said he went into the woods to kill a mockingbird.

Andy Taylor: He doesn't sound like a very nice person.

Briscoe Darling: One of the worst we got.

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Barney Fife: [about Briscoe's decision not to kill Ernest T] It's a wise man who knows not to push the limits of the law.

Briscoe Darling: [to Andy] He arguin' with me?

Andy Taylor: No; he's agreein' with you.

Briscoe Darling: Just so I know where I stand.

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Dud Wash: Where's my 'darlin' person'? There she is!

[grabs Charlene and begins hugging and kissing her]

Charlene Darling: Dud! Stop it!

Dud Wash: Aw. c'mon Charlene!

Briscoe Darling: Stop that, boy! We got other things to do. Try to control them hot flashes.

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Sheriff Andy Taylor: [reading a note tied to a rock Ernest T. Bass threw through the window] 'May you goin' to have a weddin', and maybe you goin' to have a preacher; but you might not have a bride. You ever think of that?' Mr. Darling, you don't think he'd try to kidnap Charlene before the wedding?

Briscoe Darling: He might. He's just crazy enough to do it.

Dud Wash: Well, you just let him try! I'll show him some things I learned in the army in jungle warfare! First, you grab the mouth and pull like this [demonstrates by pulling his own mouth]

Dud Wash: ; then you grade his nose and twist it like this [twists his own nose]

Briscoe Darling: Stop that, boy! you want your face to freeze like that?

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Barney Fife: Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the man with the hex.

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Barney Fife: Fly away buzzard, fly away crow, way down south where the winds don't blow. Rub your nose and give two winks and save us from this awful jinx

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Ernest T. Bass: I don't chew my cabbage twice. And you ain't heard the last of Ernest T. Bass!

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Ernest T. Bass: I'm a little mean, but I make up for it by bein' real healthy. Say you'll be mine. Say you'll be my beloved!

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Barney Fife: What was that!

Andy Taylor: I think Ernest T. Bass is paying us another visit.

Briscoe Darling: Ernest T. Bass! You're a low down skunk!

[Turns away from the window, then turns back]

Briscoe Darling: Doggone ya!

Andy Taylor: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Sheriff Taylor! Go on home and leave these people alone! You're keepin' 'em awake!

Ernest T. Bass: Tell 'em to go back to bed! Charlene's the one I want to talk to!

Barney Fife: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Deputy Fife! I'm armed and if you don't go home, I might just take a shot at you

[another rock come flying through the window]

Barney Fife: Stop that!

[Another rock hits the window]

Briscoe Darling: Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death!