Facing what-ifs and if-onlys in the wake of suicide

Amarillo Globe-News ^ | 1/7/2006 | Patsy Rae Dawson

[FNU LNU]

Facing what-ifs and if-onlys in wake of suicide

By Patsy Rae Dawson

As a survivor - no, as an overcomer - of my 21-year-old son Westley's suicide, the biggest issue for myself and others is often facing the "what-ifs" and "if-onlys." What if I'd been a better parent?

What if I'd tried harder to get him to talk about his problems?

If only I'd realized how hard a time he was having.

If only he'd called me that day.

These natural regrets gain their own momentum, causing a suicide survivor to sink more deeply into depression.

After struggling with this cycle of misgivings, I had to find a way to control the invasive thoughts of guilt.

To gain insight, I started a list of the things I did right. I included actions that I did on a regular basis as one item.

For example:

I genuinely loved him and frequently told him so.

We listened to country-and-western music together while I drove him to the skating rink, then enjoyed our personal talks on the way home when he was physically tired but emotionally open to visiting.

I helped him organize a work area in the garage and then gave him broken appliances that he could take apart and figure out how they worked.

I promoted strong ties with his grandparents and other family members by sharing their letters and letting him farm with GranDad.

I let him earn money for skating by mopping the kitchen and wiping down the cabinets.

I took him camping with his friends. Once I started writing down the list, rather than just mentally rehearsing it, my mind quickly began cooperating.

I got out of bed the first night to add five more items. During the next several days, my list grew to 109 items, most of them ongoing.

Then I started a list of regrets - things that, if I could have seen into the future, I'd have done differently.

I counted 19 regrets - most of them based on hindsight. For example:

We were planning to fly him out to see us but were trying to find a convenient time. We wish we had just put him on a plane when the idea first came up.

I wish I had known that people with Attention Deficit Disorder are supersensitive so I could have helped him understand why he often overreacted to things people said.

I wish I had left a voice message when I called him the morning of the night he died. I knew he had caller-ID, and he'd know I'd called. I regret I didn't get to say "I love you" one last time. Seeing these two lists side by side helped put the "what-ifs" and "if-onlys" into perspective. This gave me peace and stopped the cycle of misgivings. From time to time, I still wish I could have known some of the secrets of my son's life so I could have acted differently. But seeing the list of things I did right allows me to accept myself and the love I expressed to him in many ways.

After meditating on the two lists for several weeks, some conclusions seemed obvious:

We're not mind readers. We shouldn't punish ourselves because someone chooses to keep secrets and refuses to give us all the facts we need to make the right decision.

We're not all-wise. Even if we had all the facts, we wouldn't necessarily say or do the perfect thing that would cause the other person to make a healthy choice. Abigail couldn't turn her husband from his foolish reactions, and he died. On the other hand, David responded to her admonition. It was the same woman and the same situation, but Nabal and David chose different outcomes. Despite Nabal's bad choice, God still said Abigail was wise.

We're not all-powerful. We can't control someone else's life. Everyone has choices and sometimes they make the wrong one.

We're not divine. We're human beings with limitations in dealing with life's stresses and problems, and so was the person we lost. Sometimes we burden ourselves to be super-parent, super-spouse, super-sibling or super-friend, who always says and does the perfect thing. The psalmist David acknowledged that while God searches and knows us, he created us with physical and mental limitations and doesn't give us those super abilities - Psalms 139:5-6: "Thou hast enclosed me behind and before, And laid Thy hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain it."

We simply don't possess the inherent ability or the right to take away another person's choices. And thank God he understands and forgives these realities, as he made our loved ones and us the way we are.

Patsy Rae Dawson of Amarillo a multi-award-winning author of several books on marriage and the Bible. You can contact her and read more of her writings at www.gospelthemes.com.

[najida]

Well,
when the survival instinct kicks in (even if it's for 2 seconds) you remove anything that you've considered as an exit strategey. ;)

[jwpjr]

What a great way to view it! Thank you so much for sharing. I have long since forgiven Pops, and now know how much he would have chosen another outcome for his life.

[jwpjr]

Thank you for the kind words. His suicide probably did more to shape my life, I was 12-years-old when it happened, than any event I can think of. At first the effect was devastating, but the longer I had to think about it and his love for us, the more I came to understand it. Consequently I have always had a special place in my hear and in my prayers for those who take their own lives and especially for those left to deal with the event.