Posted on 02/16/2006 5:38:25 AM PST by FNU LNU
Facing what-ifs and if-onlys in wake of suicide
By Patsy Rae Dawson
As a survivor - no, as an overcomer - of my 21-year-old son Westley's suicide, the biggest issue for myself and others is often facing the "what-ifs" and "if-onlys." What if I'd been a better parent?
What if I'd tried harder to get him to talk about his problems?
If only I'd realized how hard a time he was having.
If only he'd called me that day.
These natural regrets gain their own momentum, causing a suicide survivor to sink more deeply into depression.
After struggling with this cycle of misgivings, I had to find a way to control the invasive thoughts of guilt.
To gain insight, I started a list of the things I did right. I included actions that I did on a regular basis as one item.
For example:
I genuinely loved him and frequently told him so.
We listened to country-and-western music together while I drove him to the skating rink, then enjoyed our personal talks on the way home when he was physically tired but emotionally open to visiting.
I helped him organize a work area in the garage and then gave him broken appliances that he could take apart and figure out how they worked.
I promoted strong ties with his grandparents and other family members by sharing their letters and letting him farm with GranDad.
I let him earn money for skating by mopping the kitchen and wiping down the cabinets.
I took him camping with his friends. Once I started writing down the list, rather than just mentally rehearsing it, my mind quickly began cooperating.
I got out of bed the first night to add five more items. During the next several days, my list grew to 109 items, most of them ongoing.
Then I started a list of regrets - things that, if I could have seen into the future, I'd have done differently.
I counted 19 regrets - most of them based on hindsight. For example:
We were planning to fly him out to see us but were trying to find a convenient time. We wish we had just put him on a plane when the idea first came up.
I wish I had known that people with Attention Deficit Disorder are supersensitive so I could have helped him understand why he often overreacted to things people said.
I wish I had left a voice message when I called him the morning of the night he died. I knew he had caller-ID, and he'd know I'd called. I regret I didn't get to say "I love you" one last time. Seeing these two lists side by side helped put the "what-ifs" and "if-onlys" into perspective. This gave me peace and stopped the cycle of misgivings. From time to time, I still wish I could have known some of the secrets of my son's life so I could have acted differently. But seeing the list of things I did right allows me to accept myself and the love I expressed to him in many ways.
After meditating on the two lists for several weeks, some conclusions seemed obvious:
We're not mind readers. We shouldn't punish ourselves because someone chooses to keep secrets and refuses to give us all the facts we need to make the right decision.
We're not all-wise. Even if we had all the facts, we wouldn't necessarily say or do the perfect thing that would cause the other person to make a healthy choice. Abigail couldn't turn her husband from his foolish reactions, and he died. On the other hand, David responded to her admonition. It was the same woman and the same situation, but Nabal and David chose different outcomes. Despite Nabal's bad choice, God still said Abigail was wise.
We're not all-powerful. We can't control someone else's life. Everyone has choices and sometimes they make the wrong one.
We're not divine. We're human beings with limitations in dealing with life's stresses and problems, and so was the person we lost. Sometimes we burden ourselves to be super-parent, super-spouse, super-sibling or super-friend, who always says and does the perfect thing. The psalmist David acknowledged that while God searches and knows us, he created us with physical and mental limitations and doesn't give us those super abilities - Psalms 139:5-6: "Thou hast enclosed me behind and before, And laid Thy hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is too high, I cannot attain it."
We simply don't possess the inherent ability or the right to take away another person's choices. And thank God he understands and forgives these realities, as he made our loved ones and us the way we are.
Patsy Rae Dawson of Amarillo a multi-award-winning author of several books on marriage and the Bible. You can contact her and read more of her writings at www.gospelthemes.com.
Where's the denial?
Send them to the webhealing site, child loss page. There they can communicate with others who walk this lonely journey. Also they could find a local meeting place for Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents of the USA.
http://www.webhealing.com
I view death as it will eventually happen and there is no need to rush it.
I used to believe that. Use to pray daily for years. But things kept getting worse the more I prayed. So I said what is the use. I only pray for the well being of my children. All else is a crap shoot.
Well not calling sucide what it is. A very selfish act.
PLEASE talk to a doctor or a social worker or your community health department about depression screening.
This can be caused by a chemical imbalance and it can be helped!!! You do not have to live with such hopelessness.
God Bless.
In the meantime, exercise, get out into the sun every day, take a good multivitamin, and read up on SAM-e and fish oil as natural aids for mood support. And find a way to laugh from your gut. You can do it.
You obviously haven't ever walked in these shoes. May you never. Meanwhile may your shadow not darken the paths of those who have, and do.
God Bless.
It's a desperate act. There was still nothing in the statement you replied to that was denial.
Apparently, you have never been touched by depression or suicide. Consider yourself blessed.
I suffer from horrible depression, but I know that almost all of it comes from looking at self. My Grandmother had a great remedy for depression OTHERS.
And what's wrong with loking at self? No one else will.
As for others being a remedy, I'm glad that worked for your grandmother. Frankly, I find others far more depressing.
I will pray for you, then. Starting tonight. And you are right that life has no guarentees and it is very frustrating when bad times come. Keep moving your feet, letting go of the past and thinking about what you want in the future.
When my dad lost our mom, he was terribly lost and crushed. He always thought he would be the first to go. He started drinking because she was not there to tell him to stop. Everything came down on his head.
He finally stopped drinking and every day, he tried to think of something he was grateful for. He would thank God for something good visited upon his children or grandchildren if he could not think of something good about his own life that day. Slowly but surely, he lifted out of the dumps, rediscovered himself separate from our mom and began living again.
DING! We have a winner...
You're absolutely right. It infuriates me when people ignore the pain that people go through and simply call them names and refuse to try to understand.
In 2001, one of my best friends from high school committed suicide. By the time of his death, we weren't that close anymore (for no real reason other than just being in different places in our lives) but it was still a very difficult thing to go through.
Country music will depress anyone. I had a friend in the business, and she said that her ex-husband wrote his best songs after they had had a fight.
IMO, people who commit suicide are in such horrible pain they truly feel the only way to stop it, is to take their own life. It's desperation, not selfishness.
I can only imagine the emotional or physical suffering these people have endured that makes their life not worth living anymore.
sw
My own studies on this have led me to believe that if one never had a true understanding of the Almighty, or didn't consciously reject the opportunity to gain one, that person won't be judged as harshly as someone who did. Lots of folks have died who never had access to a Bible or a preacher. It would be unjust to condemn them simply because a missionary or Holy man was unable to reach them.
As I read the Bible, there is only one unforgivable sin. And it ain't suicide.
Suicides almost always occur when desperation drives the human mind to mental defect.
Several weeks ago one of the parish priests made this point to an adult education group, but he was rather clumsy about it. He fell apart (imho) when one person questioned whether muslims, who have access to knowledge about Christ and refuse to accept Him, would be judged for that. The priest stammered and stuttered a lot and basically said that all good people of all faiths go to heaven.
So gee, Father, why are we spending so much money on missions then?
I feel like the fallback is the words of Christ Himself (book of John): "I came not to judge the world but to save it".
We each make choices while we are here in human form. Then every soul, having grown or not by those choices, has its own experience with God and he sorts it out, not us and not our priest/pastor and not our neighbors.
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