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'Devil wives' getting a bad rap--many husbands think they are the cat's meow
asahi.com ^ | 01/14/2006 | haruko ishii, The Asahi Shimbun

Posted on 01/15/2006 4:55:00 AM PST by Excuse_My_Bellicosity

She mops up spilled juice with your favorite T-shirt, and then she makes you go shopping in the pouring rain. Let's face it, she's the wife from hell--but you still love her.

Sound familiar?

It should. This "mean wife, happy marriage" scenario has become a fad. When one man in a similar relationship began writing a blog about his experiences with his nasty wife, his account struck such a chord with readers that it's now been turned into a book and a TV drama series. He and his wife, it seems, are far from the only ones whose relationship thrives on the wife's selfishness--as 34-year-old Mina would no doubt agree.

Mina (not her real name) does Internet-related work at home and has been married to her 42-year-old husband for 12 years. "Why don't you ever wave goodbye to me anymore? Why don't we ever talk anymore?" she asked him one day.

"Actually, I'm the one who stopped waving goodbye," she admits with a laugh. And the reason they've stopped talking is because Mina's become deeply involved with her daughter's extracurricular activities.

But Mina was the one who began feeling angry. To let out her frustrations she began to use her hubby as a metaphorical punching bag. "When I take it out on my husband, I feel much better and forget what I got so wound up about," she says.

As Mina became busier, the house got messy and she cut down on the time she spent cooking. But her husband never complains. "He knows I would just tell him off if he did," she says.

After patiently letting Mina get things off her chest, the husband once said: "Pretend you've been tricked into cleaning the house. You'll calm down a bit." She did. When she cleaned the house and saw how nice it looked, her frustrations went away.

"He actually analyzes me very objectively," Mina says.

For all her flaws, the two behave like a couple in love. On weekends, they shop together or watch their son's baseball games. On birthdays, they buy each other presents.

Masanori (not his real name) is another man happy with his wife, even though he says his friends think she's mean. The 34-year-old Tokyo-based designer has been married for three years. When he told his 32-year-old wife, who works with him, that he wanted to buy a new computer for work, she insisted they buy a refrigerator at a later date and they ended up saving money for that instead.

His wife has a mug that cost 3,000 yen. Masanori's cost 1,000 yen. "Mine is more expensive," she brags. But her husband has no problem with her attitude. "I get really angry when it comes to work matters, but at home, things don't really bother me," he says.

In fact, the wife is very protective of her slim, quiet husband. "If someone picks a fight with you, just keep your distance," she often says. "If something happens to you, I'll go fight your battles."

Masanori is more than willing to do as she says. "My wife is a very determined woman," he says. "I have no complaints."

The blog that triggered the phenomenon is titled "Oni-yome Nikki" (The true story of my devil wife) and was started four years ago by a 33-year-old company employee from Fukuoka who calls himself "Kazuma."

Readers don't need to look far to find examples of the kind of behavior that inspired him. "When I had a cold, she made me sleep under the kotatsu (heated table) because she didn't want to catch my cold," he writes of his 33-year-old wife. "When I came home soaking wet, she made me strip naked by the front door because she didn't want me to get the floor wet."

These online entries received so many hits and attracted so much attention that the contents were published in a book last July. The blog was also made into a TV sitcom with the same title last fall.

"Times have really changed, I think, for this kind of relationship to be featured in a drama series," says Kazuma. "If men in similar situations feel better thinking that at least they're better off than me, I'm happy with that."

People often wonder why he doesn't just break up with this "devil" woman. "I would much rather see my wife happy than make her angry and create a hostile environment," he says.

While the drama series was aired from October to December, its official Web site often received e-mail from people in similar situations.

"I'm a devil wife myself," writes a woman in her 20s. "I say whatever I want to my kind husband and live a happy life. Of course, we are totally in love."

"I do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry," runs a message from a man in his 30s. "(My wife) was kind to me before we got married, but now she is quite the devil."

"My mother acts like the female lead," writes a teenage girl. "She forces my father to exchange her favorite ramen ingredients with his, and takes his money and blows 80,000 yen in one shopping spree."

Nonfiction writer Yuki Ishikawa expects the number of tyrannical women to increase. "There are more and more wives who brag about giving their husbands instant food instead of home-cooked meals, justifying their actions as giving their husbands what the husbands want," she says. "I feel like devil wives are innocent in a way, but immature. In the past, there were more women who wanted their husbands to give them attention. But now, many women look for husbands who let them get away with doing little around the house, getting together with friends or going for beauty treatments. I think this change in mindset will increase in the future."

Freelance writer Chihiro Fujiwara, 38, interviewed almost 100 self-described selfish wives and their husbands, and published a book on her findings in early November through Ameba Books Ltd.

When a friend of hers who was making an effort to be a good wife was suddenly served with divorce papers, Fujiwara wondered why that happened at a time when selfish wives were doing whatever they wanted and yet were loved and happy.

As she began interviewing people, she noticed a pattern. "There are no hard feelings because the women immediately tell their husbands whatever is bothering them," she says. "And when their wives demand money from their husbands, the men seem to feel glad that they're needed and are making their wives happy."

Fujiwara herself has been married for seven years. She used to keep her frustrations to herself. But she began telling her husband how she felt. "My husband was surprised at first because he had no idea what I was thinking, but he became kind. When I hinted that I wanted a pair of boots, he bought me a pair and was very happy about it."

"Society as a whole is still dominated by men, so if men ruled at home as well, it would be nasty," says comic book writer Mayumi Kurata. "I think it brings balance to society when women have control in the home.

"Devil wives who can spontaneously be selfish and ask for whatever they want are talented, in a way. Some husbands are happy being ordered around because it's easier to be told what to do. They also love getting all that attention from their wives. But this relationship style is different from the so-called weekend-only marriages and separated couples. I think married couples just need to find a relationship style that suits them."(IHT/Asahi: January 14,2006)


TOPICS: Foreign Affairs; Japan; News/Current Events
KEYWORDS: areyoukiddingme; ephesians5vs21thru33; husband; husbandbox; husbandloveyourwife; japan; japanping; manbox; marriage; oniyome; submittingmasochist; test; wifesubmittohusband; wivesdonotsubmit
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To: RockinRight
Tall chicks don't like short guys.

I have no idea what you're talking about. (Says the short guy who dated tall girls in high school.)

301 posted on 01/15/2006 4:33:25 PM PST by Just another Joe (Warning: FReeping can be addictive and helpful to your mental health)
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To: RockinRight

well....that's up to you....but it'll be worth the wait! :)


302 posted on 01/15/2006 4:34:29 PM PST by Hildy (Spielberg spends his spare time memorializing the last Holocaust while working to justify the next.)
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To: Capriole

It's Dr. Laura's book about the things that women do to mess up their lives. I'm sure it covers a**holes well.


303 posted on 01/15/2006 4:34:32 PM PST by Excuse_My_Bellicosity ("Sharpei diem - Seize the wrinkled dog.")
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To: Just another Joe

Well, my prom date was 6'1, but other than that...

I actually had an internet date reject me because I was "a nice guy, but just too short."


304 posted on 01/15/2006 4:35:26 PM PST by RockinRight ("It's as if all the brain-damaged people in America got together and formed a voting bloc" - Coulter)
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To: RockinRight

See #303. Dr. Laura has that covered.


305 posted on 01/15/2006 4:36:40 PM PST by Excuse_My_Bellicosity ("Sharpei diem - Seize the wrinkled dog.")
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To: Excuse_My_Bellicosity

My last girlfriend I knew for 10 years before, and it still didn't work out. Problem was in that time, we had both changed. Plus since we met in high school and dated in our twenties, we had "grown up" into less compatible people.


306 posted on 01/15/2006 4:36:48 PM PST by RockinRight ("It's as if all the brain-damaged people in America got together and formed a voting bloc" - Coulter)
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To: Hildy

Well I dunno, agewise anything from 21-35 is fair game to me at this point.


307 posted on 01/15/2006 4:37:57 PM PST by RockinRight ("It's as if all the brain-damaged people in America got together and formed a voting bloc" - Coulter)
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To: phantomworker
I don't see it as a flame-fest in any way, do you?

Not much open flame, but lots of smoldering.

So you are in favor of arranged marriages?

I wouldn't say they were the One True Way (tm), but I'd say they can't be dismissed as casually as you imply in your question.

Impulse-pairing is an interesting way to put it.

In most of the western world, it's the best description. Young people make hasty decisions based on a mix of emotion and hormones, without any particular effort to make sure there's a basis for a permanent relationship.

But I think what we were talking about was the talking and agreeing before the marriage.

I don't think "we" were, but it did come up on the thread, and I agreed wholeheartedly.

I just always thought there should be love and respect in a marriage. Attraction is often the first step toward building love, imho.

Many successful arranged marriages illustrate that trust and respect can be based on other things than initial attraction. And indeed, attraction is a very bad basis for love and respect; attraction is mostly hormonal, and hormones are great for preserving the species--but that's about it.

In fact, they tend to undermine stable relationships. Note, for example, studies that have demonstrated increased infidelity during the time of ovulation. Or studies that have demonstrated a strong sexual preference for high-testosterone males, despite (per other studies) their increased likelihood of infidelity. In short, following your hormones is a great way to get pregnant, but not a great way to plan your 50th wedding anniversary.

308 posted on 01/15/2006 4:40:44 PM PST by Shalom Israel (Pray for the peace of Jerusalem.)
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To: Just another Joe

Great story! I love it!


309 posted on 01/15/2006 4:41:41 PM PST by SauronOfMordor (A planned society is most appealing to those with the hubris to think they will be the planners)
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To: Shalom Israel

Thank you for sharing that. I respect your point of view.


310 posted on 01/15/2006 4:43:30 PM PST by phantomworker (Winning is important but the real joy is the experience of being fully engaged in whatever I'm doing)
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To: RockinRight
So as a man of 28...I should hang out single for about 12 more years?

Guys in their 20's should check out older women. When I was 24 I was dating a lady who was 39. Soap opera actress. Very high libido

311 posted on 01/15/2006 4:44:43 PM PST by SauronOfMordor (A planned society is most appealing to those with the hubris to think they will be the planners)
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To: phantomworker
Why do you think they are temporary? True love can last a life time.

I assume you aren't asking why physical attraction is temporary. As for "true love", I didn't say that true love is temporary--but "romantic" love is not true love, and it is temporary.

312 posted on 01/15/2006 4:45:38 PM PST by Shalom Israel (Pray for the peace of Jerusalem.)
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To: SauronOfMordor
Great story! I love it!

(In best Jimmy Durante voice) I got a million of 'em.

313 posted on 01/15/2006 4:46:00 PM PST by Just another Joe (Warning: FReeping can be addictive and helpful to your mental health)
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To: Fawn
It's all temporary. People who stay married need a dependent friend.

Very wise point.

314 posted on 01/15/2006 4:46:43 PM PST by Shalom Israel (Pray for the peace of Jerusalem.)
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To: Fawn
People who stay married need a dependent friend.

My, Fawn, what cynicism.
Could it be some people stay married because, like some fine wines, it gets better with time?

Naw

315 posted on 01/15/2006 4:48:58 PM PST by Just another Joe (Warning: FReeping can be addictive and helpful to your mental health)
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To: Dashing Dasher; HairOfTheDog

DD...I love HOTD...but she just didn't get the joke.

True story...worked at Boeing and they were building a retirement home "up the hill." A lot of us joked about "trolling for a hubby" when we got the invites for the open house....


316 posted on 01/15/2006 4:50:09 PM PST by paulat
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To: Just another Joe

don't you know we are ALL supposed to end up bitter and divorced and dying alone in the old folks home? you are a real LOSER if you stay married.... /sarcasm


317 posted on 01/15/2006 4:50:44 PM PST by xsmommy
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To: arasina
Also, as far as physical attraction: Whereas at twenty I would've been physically attracted to a guy, say, with lots of hair on his head...that certainly isn't the case some 30 years later, especially if he has the qualities to which I'm attracted. Unnuhstan? :o)

What you say is true, but only partly. Any sort of initial attraction--physical or otherwise--is guaranteed to be superficial, which more or less makes my point without specifying "physical" attraction.

But the physical component is very important, especially for the young 'uns who are doing most of the marrying. And usually, it plays a much larger role for girls than they will admit. They often seem to project qualities of character onto a person who is physically attractive--they "just know" that the guy is warm, tender, misunderstood, et-boring-cetera, when the only thing they really know is the superficialities.

318 posted on 01/15/2006 4:51:39 PM PST by Shalom Israel (Pray for the peace of Jerusalem.)
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To: Shalom Israel
I assume you aren't asking why physical attraction is temporary. As for "true love", I didn't say that true love is temporary--but "romantic" love is not true love, and it is temporary.

I see from other posts, that we have a different culture and different world view. I respect yours. But I might be more of a 'romantic' type. I would like to think romance can be kept alive. But everything takes an effort. If romance isn't important in some relationships, that's OK, too. People are different.

319 posted on 01/15/2006 4:52:31 PM PST by phantomworker (Winning is important but the real joy is the experience of being fully engaged in whatever I'm doing)
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To: BibChr
And so I observe: Divorce on the grounds of incompatibility as reason for abandoning one's wedding vows, advocated on FR.

Dan, I'd address that on two levels.

If you have kids, you owe it to your children to figure out how to stay together and at least create a semblence of a happy home for their sake until they are adults.

But if there are no kids involved, there is no point in two adults making each other miserable for life.

320 posted on 01/15/2006 4:53:46 PM PST by dirtboy (My new years resolution is to quit using taglines...)
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