Chunky Commie Ice Cream-- In April, America bid a fond adieux to Ben & Jerry's Homemade Inc. $326 million million capitalist dollars was the bloody ransom paid for the greatest social experiment since Twentieth Century Motor. This funky ice cream brand now sits in the Unilever portfolio, alongside Skippy Peanut Butter, Helmans Mayonnaise, and Pepsodent Toothpaste. And with the Ben and Jerry's deal, Unilever also acquired Slimfast, to insure they have you as a customer, both coming and going.
Unintentionally, founders Ben and Jerry Cohen had stumbled into the greatest marketing scheme of the eighties. Their ice cream is nothing more than a frozen one pound candy bar. Flavors like "Chubby Hubby" mock how truly decadent their confection is. This would normally cause your average liberal to shiver with guilt, adding lipids to their already excessive form, while societies are starving in Africa.
Ben and Jerry’s Ice cream was the biggest vendor of guilt relief in the modern world. Health consciousness had forbidden the kind of fat laden, cholesterol rich delight that lives in those recycled paper tubs. But who can resist? Instead of relieving your guilt by promising 100% of your daily vitamin requirements, Ben & Jerry offer something a little more substantial, Social Nutrition. Sure your clogging your arteries and gaining weight, but never mind, We’ll help save the earth with every mouthful. Yum, was that a saturated fat filled nut I just sank my tooth into? Yes but don’t worry, It was a brazil nut from the South American rain forest, every one you eat saves a little bit of forest. Sure that was a mouthful of rich Swiss Chocolate, but it came from a chocolate company that never starved infants. Yes our cream is 100% milk fat, but that milk fat came from family farmers, and was blended with 100% pure cane sugar in a plant where everybody makes almost the same wage.
The company also became an unintentional experiment in the nature of the CEO. Marxists like Michael Moore find humor in the fact that the CEO of IBM cannot reconfigure a hard drive. The assumption of course is that anybody can be a CEO. Women and minorities constantly decry the "Glass Ceiling" that prevents their ascending to the top floor offices, held back solely by their gender or race. When Ben & Jerry decided to retire (wealthy), they went in search of a Socially responsible CEO. Certainly a woman or minority would be preferred. but because they organize their corporate structure in a socially equitable pattern, the highest paid employee could only make five times the pay of the lowest. The company was flooded with applications for the 60K/year position, but not one was qualified.
To great fanfare they announced in February of 1994 they had succeeded in their search for a qualified CEO. Robert Holland, an African American, took the helm of the company for a much greater salary than the 60K advertised. The truth is that Qualified Women and Minority CEOs can pretty much write their own ticket, as their demand for diversity in the boardroom is actually quite high. Mr Holland was forced to resign two years later amidst rapidly plummeting stock prices.
Ben and Jerry, obviously consumed with greed then hired a white male executive from a gun manufacturer to replace him at a substantially higher salary. Apparently social justice only is important when your stock price is up Ben and Jerry, now very well educated in the truth about capitalism decided to take the money and run. God speed blessed comrades, god speed.
Ayn Rand ping?
From a gun manufacturer? The horror! LOL!