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Well, ya got trouble, my friend. Right here, I say trouble right here in River City

Why, sure, I'm a billiard player

Certainly mighty proud to say, I'm always mighty proud to say it I consider the hours I spend with a cue in my hand are golden Help you cultivate horse sense and a cool head and a keen eye Didja ever take an' try an' give an iron clad leave to yourself from a three-rail billiard shot? But just as I say it takes judgement, brains and maturity to score in a balk-line game..

I say that any boob can take and shove a ball in a pocket And I call that sloth, the first big step on the road to the depths of degreda- I say, first- medicinal wine from a teaspoon, then beer from a bottle And the next thing you know your son is playin' for money in a pinchback suit and listenin' to some big out-o'-town jasper Hear him tell about horserace gamblin' Not a wholesome trottin' race, no, but a race where they set down right on the horse Like to see some stuck up jockey boy sittin' on Dan Patch? Make your blood boil, well I should say Now, folks, let me show you what I mean You got one, two, three, four, five, six pockets in a table Pockets that mark the difference between a gentleman and a bum With a capital 'B' and that rhymes with 'P' and that stands for 'pool'..

And all week long, your River City youth'll be fritterin' away say, your young men'll be fritterin' Fritterin' away their noontime, suppertime, choretime, too Hit the ball in the pocket Never mind gettin' dandelions pulled or the screen door patched or the beefsteak pounded Never mind pumpin' any water 'til your parents are caught with a cistern empty on a Saturday night and that's trouble Oh, ya got lots and lots o' trouble I'm thinkin' of the kids in the knickerbockers shirttails, young ones peekin' in the pool hall window after school Ya got trouble, folks, right here in River City with a capital 'T' and that rhymes with 'P' and that stands for 'pool'..

Now I know all you folks are the right kind of parents I'm gonna be perfectly frank Would you like to know what kind of conversation goes on while they're loafin' around that hall They'll be tryin' out Bevo, tryin' out Cubebs,tryin' out tailor-mades like cigarette fiends And braggin' all about how they're gonna cover up a tell-tale breath with Sen-Sen Now one fine night they leave the pool hall headin' for the dance at the Armory Libertine men and scarlet women and ragtime Shameless music that'll grab your son, your daughter
into the arms of a jungle animal instinct- massteria! Friends, the idle brain is the devil's playground, trouble!..

Oh, we got trouble Right here in River City Right here in River City With a capital 'T' and that rhymes with 'P' and that stands for 'pool' That stands for pool We surely got troubleWe surely got trouble Right here in River City
Right here..

Gotta figure out a way to keep the young ones moral after school..

Mothers of River City, heed this warning before it's too late Watch for the tell-tale signs of corruption The minute your son leaves the house does he rebuckle his nickerbockers below the knee? Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger? A dime novel hidden in the corncrib? Is he starting to memorize jokes from Cap'n Billy's Whizbang? Are certain words creeping into his conversation? Words like... swell? And... 'so's your old man'? Well if so, my friends...

Ya got trouble Oh, we got trouble Right here in River City Right here in River City With a capital 'T' and that rhymes with 'P' and that stands for 'pool' That stands for pool We've surely got trouble We surely got trouble
Right here in River City Right here..

Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock and the Golden Rule? Oho, we got trouble We're in terrible, terrible trouble That game with the fifteen numbered balls is the devil's tool Devil's tool Yes, we've got trouble, trouble, trouble Oh, yes, we got trouble here, we got big, big trouble With a 'T'..

With a capital 'T' And that rhymes with 'P' That rhymes with 'P' And that stands for pool That stands for pool..

Remember my friends, listen to me,
because I pass this way but once