Posted on 01/30/2005 10:16:50 AM PST by TWohlford
Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving.
California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all of the North East.
We spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EST next Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then.
So you get Texas and all the former slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. (Okay, we have to keep the Governor; we can live with that.) We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole Miss. We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get all the technological innovation in Alabama. We get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms to support, and we know how much you like that. Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation's veggies? But heck the only greens the Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs.
Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your state dinners. From now on it's imported French wine for you. Ouch, bet that hurts. Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to want all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight, just ask your evangelicals. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.
Anyway, we wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon.
Sincerely,
California
It's another article where a East- or West- coaster believes we're herding sheep on an indian reservation, living in abandoned U-haul trailers and having children as a product of a sexual relationship with our parents. Once again we're all snake-handling religious idiots who refuse modern medicine in favor of treatment based on a mistranslation of the Book of the Dead, or the Bible (which are all the same thing after all). Our version of fine arts consists of monster truck races, tractor pulls and box luncheon auctions. We have sex with our animals, which we raise as pets and then eat for supper one night. We don't like Howard Stern, or even Don Imus, meaning that we have no sense of humor. Worse yet, Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannidy have us all in their hypnotic grip. Our idea of "diversity" basically means that we extend credit to people who we aren't related to (everone is related in the Red states). We are all grossly obese, have no sun tan, and lack any fashion sense. There are no good Mexican restaraunts in Red states.
Not like those enlightened blue states, whose cities include Oakland, East St. Louis and Detroit. The political leaders from the Blue states number people like Bob Packwood, B-1 Bob, Ronald Reagan, Grey Davis, and Hillary, Barbara Lee,.... Blue states now have 24-hour electrical service, 365 days a year, now that Arnold is the Goverernator. Of course, no strange or "kookie" ideas ever come from California that are soon discreditied. Blue states should be proud of their businesses, like the Washington State Power System (aka "WSPS" pronouced "Whoops"), Tyco, Martha Stewart, Computer Associates, Adelphia, ImClone, Qwest, Rite-Aid.... And we all know that those dot-coms were all honorable failures. And, the key to a happy marriage (and fewer divorces) is that people don't get married in the first place.
Now, if you'll excuse me, my sheep dog wants a date.
As a Texas resident, they can have the lesser 49. The Lone Star State is the way things ought to be.
They keep promising, but they keep staying! Can we get them on breach of promise?
San Diego is a RED COUNTY!
Good riddance!
Hey, California... We'll all have a good laugh when your new "representatives" are forced to convene in Mexico City. Don't ask us for a damned thing! Buh-bye...
I just hope none of them need a kidney transplant or cancer treatment. If any of them do, maybe they can find good medicine at the Vatterott College in Pakoima......
I agree! I'm in a blue state (IL) only because of a couple of misguided counties. The people of IL will GLADLY hand over the blue counties!!
The Republic of California better find a cure for AIDS quick. It's going to spread through their new republic like wildfire.
They better find some businesses, too. Intel and Microsoft aren't going to hang around in a country that thinks that their whole reason for being is to provide capitol for "state-sponsorered elections," "Hillary-care," free government day care, etc.
just another example of how stunningly elitist liberals are. And as the other poster pointed out, there aren't really any blue states - just blue cities.
"Good riddance!"
LOL. The Red Precincts in Cali will tax all their water supply :)
Hey, good luck, Californians!
But keep in mind that we red states will be requiring lengthy citizenship applications and waiting periods when you all want to bail out of your socialist hellhole!
Washington is NOT a blue state! California can take King County, but the rest is BUSH COUNTRY!!!
Well, except for Taxachusetts...
You just described California too. So why don't you re-write this article to fit your state?
Without the greater San Francisco Bay Area and Los Angeles, California would be redder than Texas. If you can get rid of Lansing and Ann Arbor and Detroit, we can get rid of our liberals too.
California also gets Free Republic!!!
And they can keep their governor, while Red-Washington gets the real one! :-)
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.