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Conspiracy? Have I got a conspiracy for you!

Did you get the one about the milk conspiracy?

There's no such thing as "2%", "1%", or "skim" milk! It's all "Vitamin D" or "Whole Fat" milk with water added. Trust me on this one, mmkay. There's some dude at the milk factory who takes the half-filled jugs (or cartons) of whole fat milk and adds a buncha cold water to it. If it's skim milk, then the original container is only about an eighth-filled with the real milk and then water is dumped in. After that, it's a matter of sticking on the proper label.

Don't buy that bal-hooney that the fat is taken away. What a bunch of horse apples. What! Ya think theres some guy that uses a blow torch to burn off the fat from the whole milk?!?!?! "They" are just adding water to the REAL milk!!!

I know this for a fact, because I'm a bachelor. Whenever I want to feel healthy and product conscientious (and save a buck), I buy myself a jug of whole fat milk and pour half of it into an empty milk jug of equal size (I keep a lot of empty milk jugs...if I don't use them for milk, I fill them with water and then shoot holes through it with my Desert Eagle). So, now I have two milk jugs both half-filled with milk. I take both of them to the silk and add cold water. Presto! "50%" milk. If I really want to watch my carbs (and save more money), I'll cut it to "25%" milk.

Of course, none of this is much good for for breakfast cereal products. I tend to need more than just a jolt to wake up. So, I use coffee in my cereal instead of "50%" milk. Since the coffee is a wee bit understrengthed from all my years as a mariner, I like to spike it with Red Bull and honey. I prefer honey over sugar. That processed sugar tastes nasty.

Well, I didn't mean to tell you my life's details and my favorite breakfast foods (anything bran with coffee added), but it just came out that way. Speaking of what goes out, with all that bran and coffee talk, I might as well change my name to "Regular" Joe for all the laxative value that my normal breakfast day brings.

If you're really curious, I'll tell you how I save a buck making my home styled gourmet coffee.