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Read up on it tons.

Track down an authentic, sensitive, Christian, gifted, woman counselor.

You might see if you could find some slightly older Christian women from a support group who'd been through it but very successfully and well and firmly THROUGH WITH it.

I think I'd monitor my own and spouse's perfectionism overt and subtle. I'd bend over backwards communicating affirmations for warranted, authentic things in authentic tones and ways suited for the specifics.

I'd probably stage but not obviously so, some shared tasks wherein there was a lot of chance for imperfection--and I'd demonstrate casually and easily and jovially that MINOR THINGS REALLY DID NOT MATTER.

In some contexts with the rest of the family, I might even START a food fight. All the better if it's in SOME public situations providing it wouldn't freak her out toooooo much. The goal would be to end up with soiled clothing and some further public errands or tasks to do where others would see the soiled clothing--and YOU THE PARENT would behave absolutely as if there was not a single thing wrong.

The objective would be to DEMONSTRATE IN FUN WAYS WITH A FUN ATTITUDE that what others thing about one's self is not necessarily ANYTHING to even bother about at all--even in some extreme sorts of contexts--as with food obviously on one's nice clothes.

I'd think up a LOT of creative ways to, for example, draw a circle and not close it fully. To leave things ragged edged and NON-OBSESSIVELY tended to. I'd put things askew on the coffee table. I'd leave socks on the family room floor. I'd leave half my shirt tail out. Certainly I'd try to be clever and gradual and coy and wise about such things but I'd do such to DEMONSTRATE AND COMMUNICATE THAT APPEARANCES DO NOT MATTER compared to heart attitude and worth as made in God's image.

I'd listen tons and listen actively feeding back in my own words what I was hearing and especially saying word pictures describing what I felt she was FEELING.

Sounds like you were feeling . . . . in that situation.
I'd have felt . . . . in that situation.
Sounds like you really felt caught in a bind in that situation.
Sounds like you really felt frustrated with your friend/teacher/mother/
Sounds like you were really angry. What would you like to do next time in such a situation?

AVOID JUDGMENTAL COMMENT OR INSINUATIONS. Just draw her out AND LISTEN tons.

The maddening thing about it is THE CONTROL issue. It is life threatening. And at some point, you'd have to take control and insure that she ate. Up to that point, the child often feels OUT OF CONTROL and DESPERATE TO HAVE SOME CONTROL IN HER LIFE. And food intake they can control. I'd follow the advice of a counselor who had a LOT of anorexics under their belt on such a matter as food. It's really tricky very often.

I think I'd bend over backwards giving her control over safe areas of her life.

But mostly I'd affirm her as a person; as my daughter; as the unique, gifted individual that she is etc. I'd ask her help in lots of DOING tasks even if I had to stage them. But they need to be somewhat meaningful tasks. The more important, the better.

Some could be a crafts, creating task whether cooking together; carpentry; pottery; whatever. Emphasize that the relating is the key without saying so--that the relating and time shared is A MUCH, MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THING than DOING THE TASK *PERFECTLY*.

It's not per se a rational thing. They will look at themselves in the mirror and see a fat person. Arguing with them and insisting that their perceptions are screwy should probably be left to the counselor. Too easy to become counter productive.

WHEN SOMETHING ISN'T WORKING--DO SOMETHING ELSE!!!

BE CREATIVE. BE A BIT OFF THE WALL. BE SPONTANEOUS. BE CARE FREE. BE SILLY. BE FUN. EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO WORK HARD TO *LEARN* TO BE THOSE THINGS.

HUG, HUG, HUG, HUG EVERY TIME YOU CAN AND IT BE NATURAL, CASUAL, FITTING, ACCEPTED.

IF YOU HAVE TO PRACTICE ON OTHERS TO GET HUGGING BETTER, RIGHT, MORE FLOWY ETC. FIRST--DO SO.

When something doesn't click quite right at first effort(s), note it and say that you're sorry you're such a klutz but you just love her so intensely and are determined that she learn better how much you care for her--and that you'll jump through as many hoops as it takes for her to get that message. You can say that a 100 times a day but in different ways.

Guess off the top of my head--that's my input. I haven't read up on it recently. Had several clients with the problem. Usually did well with them. Been 10 or so years ago.

Please keep us posted. Even by FREEPMAIL if you wish.

GOD'S BEST TO YOU AND FAMILY.

CERTAINLY PRAYERS.

LUB,

Your suggestions sound great.
For me, I was obsessed with perfection because of the strict, Christian upbringing I had. I never felt good enough in my father's eyes so I worked myself to the bone, achieving every goal in sight and trying to achieve physical perfection as well. I stopped recognizing that I was tired, hungry or had any physical signs of needing to slow down. I walked around with pneumonia for 2 weeks because I was too busy achieving goals to slow down.

I had in my mind I had to be perfect in everything and finally I would get the approval from my father that I needed. Unfortunately, this attitude transferred to the men I chose to date. When the relationship would end, I thought that I wasn't good enough for them only to find out later that they were totally intimidated by me...my achievements and success.

The anorexia is only a symptom of the problem. The problem is control and not feeling good enough. The pressures of a college female are immense...the studying, not wanting to disappoint parents, and especially the pressures from other females in college to be perfect, just makes a girl go into a tailspin of being DRIVEN.

Although I didn't get counseling at the time, that is really what I needed. It took me until age 37 to really find out everything behind my "drive for perfection" and be "okay with who I am...flaws and all"....