Posted on 12/06/2004 9:12:18 AM PST by MississippiMasterpiece
TOKYO – The Japanese government wants women like Taeko Mizuguchi to get married and start doing something about the nation's plunging birthrate. But she's not interested.
At least, not if her prospective husband is Japanese.
A growing number of Japanese women are giving up on their male counterparts, and taking a gamble that looking abroad for love will bring them the qualities in a partner that seem rare at home. Mr. Right, as the hope goes, is often an American or European, a man appreciative of a wife's career and more of a partner in daily tasks.
"They treat you like equals, and they don't hesitate to express mutual feelings of respect - I think Western men are more adept [at such things] than Japanese men," says the 36-year-old Ms. Mizuguchi, who works at a top trading firm. "They don't act like women are maids - I think they view women as individuals."
Underscoring that Japanese women are losing hope with the local boys, dating agencies to help snag a Western husband have sprung up in Tokyo, some with branches in the US and Europe. Such companies rigorously vet their clients, screening for education, family background, occupation, and life goals.
The kind of women who sign up for such services include doctors, lawyers, and other professionals - women who have delayed marriage to concentrate on careers and who aren't keen to give up hard won gains to become a housewife, as many Japanese men expect.
Japanese women have come to consider traditional marriage roles as "disadvantageous in terms of time resources - they have to carry the burden of domestic chores as well as lose their free time," says Chizuko Ueno, a professor of sociology at Tokyo University.
Normally, married Japanese women have not only to look after their own parents during old age, but also to care for their parents-in-law. When it comes to raising kids, "they can't expect much cooperation from their partner" because of the long work hours required at many Japanese corporations and because of established gender roles that assume that the woman does the child-rearing, Ms. Ueno adds.
A generation of women who are now entering their 30s don't want to give up single life unless prospective partners are willing to break from traditional gender roles.
Government polls conducted to find out why women have put off marriage until well after 25 years of age - known as a woman's " 'best before' date" - show that economic independence is key to the change. As most Japanese women have their own income, marriage is no longer a financial necessity and women want to find companionship in a husband.
That is where Japanese men have come up short. There is "a wide gap in men's and women's attitudes and expectations toward marriage" vis-à-vis traditional gender roles, says Sumiko Iwao, professor of social psychology at Musashi Institute of Technology in Yokohama. For instance, coming home later than your Japanese husband is a no-no.
Having ruled out an old-fashioned Japanese husband, many women here think the solution is a Western man. Indeed, some seem so enthralled with the idea that they are willing to spend thousands of dollars to inspect the wares personally. Of the more than 2,000 women on the books at one large matchmaking agency, about 200 travel to the US or Europe each month to meet prospects.
Sentimental projections have recently been extended to Korean men also, due to romantic Korean soap operas.
In 2003, Japanese women marrying American or British men outnumbered Japanese men marrying American or British women by 8 to 1. The total proportion of Japanese marrying foreigners each year has crept up from around 3.5 percent in 1995 to just over 5 percent. Japanese men are actually more than three times as likely as the women to take a foreign spouse, but this is mostly rural men marrying less well-off Chinese and Filipino women. "Such cases are elderly farmers not popular among young Japanese women," says Yuriko Hashimoto, a local government employee in the remote northern prefecture of Iwate.
To be fair, not all the blame for female angst here can be laid on Japanese men. The government has been slow to enforce equal opportunity laws, and both pay and the glass ceiling in most Japanese corporations remain low for women. Recession has hampered longer maternity leave and other family-friendly policies.
As Japan's fertility rate drops to new lows - at last count it was 1.29, well below levels required for population replacement - the ruling Liberal Democratic Party is anxiously drawing up plans to make it easier for young couples to raise children, through such measures as the provision of cheap public housing.
Mixed marriages in Japan
Japanese men marry: Chinese 10,242 Filipinos 7,794 Koreans 2,235 Americans 156 British 65
Japanese women marry: Koreans 5,318 Americans 1,529 Chinese 890 British 334 Filipinos 117
Source: 2003 Ministry of Health, Labor, and Welfare
OK. I get it now.
Nothing you've said is necessarily true of the majority of American women, as you've used generalizations (about the majority of American women) moved by a minority of the population you're generalizing about.
Didja all get that?
If you really don't think those generalizations apply to the majority of American women, why then are you generalizing about them in the first place?
That seems to be your problem throughout this thread, simplistic generalizations.
[Go-Go giggles girlishly]
Go Go Yubari: You call that begging? You can beg better than that
If more people knew this at an earlier age (and turned OFF the MTV), the world would have a lot more happy couples.
Sheesh, why are you taking this personally? If a generalization doesn't apply to you, it doesn't apply to you. That's how generalizations work.
I'm not on this planet to bolster the sagging ego of any man, even if he happens to be my husband. That doesn't make me "unfit" to be a wife or mother, that doesn't make me "ungrateful".
When a women gets married, and she is grateful for the sacrifices her husband makes for her, he will feel appreciated and his ego will be boosted and he will move mountains for his wife.
But, principles are principles.
No.... it isn't true for men who are looking for companionship and happen upon a foreign wife, due to his location or hers (living overseas). Certainly there were many of our soldiers who have found women during deployment and students who find each other studying abroad.
But I would be prepared to say it for anyone who actually decides to limit his search to foreign women as a criteria. Yes, I'd say that generalization holds. He wants to form her in his own image of a wife, and he thinks she's a blank slate who will appreciate anything above what she'd get at home.
Sure they do. It's the second language world wide. And I learned some other countries have a better educational system than us. The language I can't get a handle on is Portuguesa. Yo habla, but Portuguese is a real twister for me. Mental block.
I'm sorry I misunderstood.
And everyone who's ever been married knows that feeling, and dreads it. Solution? You get up and resolve to fix the problem a little at a time. If it can't be fixed, you work on understanding how you got there in the first place, and fixing those mistakes.
Believe me, if it had been that easy, it would have happened. But, like I said...TMI.... It wasn't something that was fixable. It wasn't Ward and June discussing the Beaver forgetting his homework. It was much uglier and darker and sadder...for both of us. Like rotting trees in a drowned valley. There was so many lies, so much deceit, so much pure evil that it was something that pretty much ripped who I was before to shreds and left someone else in her place. I wouldn't want to wish what happened to me on my worst enemy.
But, with that being said.....Yes, I did learn from my mistakes, that was the one positive thing gained from the whole experience. Which is why I don't wish to get married again. For the sakes of all parties!
Nope. It will be because God calls you.
Maybe, mebby not. I have had a couple of wrong numbers so I will be extremely cautious.
Hey Sam. I’d take it a step father and say it’s not desirable for most people. Absent cultural influences, I think women are naturally feminine and attracted to dominate males. Visa versa for men. It’s not universal, just a trend. It’s hard wired into or nature, but has been obscured by over reaching cultural reforms in the West late last century. But it wasn’t complete, and I think it’s fading.
You: Or maybe they are happy with their lives just as they are. Like, they don't need a man to have a life. Yaknowaddamean, jellybean?
Sure do, it's the same thing.
Howerver, since they're so happy with their lives, it shouldn't bother them, then, if American men are in increasing demand by foreign women.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
My first marriage was a living hell as well. But, in a way, I'm glad it happened the way it did. I had no idea what I was capable of when the threats were escalated the way that they were. And, I was stronger in the end.
Fair 'nuf.
Sheesh, you make blanket generalizations and then are surprised when every woman on the thread, generally a majority, a GENERALIZATION of the population of FR, OBJECTS to your GENERALIZed comment. You made the declaration! "American women are ungrateful to the great American stud. American women are too manly! I, fatalis have spoken therefore it is the truth!!"
Expect to Suffer. Kind of like if someone came on and said that American men who marry oriental women have smaller penises. You know, a generalization. Only if the shoe fits. That sort of thing.
Yes. This is what I don't understand. I've been reading threads like this for years on FR (and I promised myself I'd never get involved in one!), and why any man would post a "stick it American women" message on this of all forums is beyond me. You guys know who your audience is, don't you? This is the most inappropriate place for such comments -- so what's going on?
I know it's only a minority of FR guys who take such (obvious) glee in making sweeping generalizations about American women, but why do any do it? I don't know how to say this without offending some of you guys, but honestly, it's as if you have such a chip on your shoulder that if you don't target those who least of all deserve your comments, it's not enough of a charge for you.
That said (cough), when I've read these sorts of threads in the past, I've always managed to find, about halfway through, a few posts from some good-humored, American-women-loving FR guys that have cheered me. I'm going looking!
Yeah, it looks like we're on the same page, I misunderstood you, my apologies.
Raising kids is arguably the most important work we do (so Mom told us, rightly, as kids), so IMO, a good stay at home mom deserves super respect.
Although I am comfortable with traditional gender roles, and even think they are in our DNA to some extent, I don't necessarily mind when they are crossed. For instance, my mother was an excellent shot with rifle or shotgun, and adored fishing.
See #252.
or my favorite "What doens't kill you hurts so bad you wish it would!"
Thanks!
Rest it on what? The question remains unanswered. What is it about you that we should be grateful for?
We're serious.... We know that you think you are owed gratitude, and you might be right.... We haven't seen what you are giving in the raw deal you've gotten from women.
What doesn't kill you only pospones the inevitable... :)
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