Posted on 10/24/2004 3:44:10 PM PDT by PJ-Comix
The British newspaper, The Guardian, recently asked its readers to write to citizens of Ohio in order to convince them to vote for John Kerry for president. Here is one of the letters sent by a Brit to a resident of the Buckeye state:
Greetings my insufferable little Buckeye Twit,
I have never been to Ohio nor do I have the slightest intention of ever condescending to visit your Midwestern cultural wasteland at any time in the future. However, I am writing you at the behest of The Guardian newspaper in order to properly inform you as to what is in your best interests in the forthcoming presidential election.
One candidate, Mr. John F. Kerry, has an appealing Continental demeanor and an internationalist understanding as to the proper subservient role of the United States on the world stage. Arrayed against the well-civilized Mr. Kerry is an uncouth cowboy who claims to be your current president. He is so impertinent as to believe in putting America's best interests first as opposed to yielding to the better-informed counsels of such great European capitals as Paris and Berlin.
Should your state wisely decide to cast its lot with Mr. Kerry, your reward will be a serious consideration of Ohio's application to return to the British fold as a crown colony. On the other hand, if you choose to re-elect that vulgarian in the Oval Office, I shall castigate you severely and subject you to public humiliation before hauling you before the International Court of Justice at The Hague to be tried for crimes against human decency.
Thank you for allowing me to enlighten you with this humble admonition. If you ever decide to return to the Mother Country, please be sure NOT to look me up since I have a strict aversion to physical contact with my social inferiors.
Cheerio,
Lord Horatio Haughtey-Snuffington
p.s. Little known fact---Ol' PJ was once a Buckeye (Cleveland).
"p.s. Little known fact---Ol' PJ was once a Buckeye (Cleveland)."
Same here (Ann Arbor)
Good stuff..... that's also how some folks feel about folks in the San Francisco Bay area.....
LOL!!! Too Funny!
GRammie, here's another one to add to your list. We should have a VHF. Don't you think?
Harrumph!
That letter sounds like it was written by a wanna-be writer for Monty Python's Flying Circus.
I think that particular writer meant it to be taken not seriously, but seriesly.
Good job
Unfortunately, my GreatGreat Grandfather botched the job and did not get old Snuffington's forbears snuffed and verboten. Oh well, there is always a second chance.
Gee, somehow I doubt that this letter is quite what The Guardian had in mind.
A pint of Guiness to His Lordship!
Come on over to my house you green toothed, arrogant little limey. I'll set you straight on how we do things here in Ohio.
Punk.
LOL Well now he kind'a fancies himself don't he?
The author of this letter is on your side of the issue.
Shhhhh!
Nice job. Spoken with true Larchmont lockjaw.
What we need is the return address to this person who obviously did NOT sign his real name. Then we could send a snail mail freep!
Lord Horatio Haughtey-Snuffington. What's not real about that?
Permit me the impertinence of responding to your recent letter regarding the impending election in which you play no part whatsoever.
We Americans, having kicked your limey behinds out of "your" colonies in our Revolution (with the aid of the frog-eating French, to put salt in your wounds), and having done so once more for good measure in 1812, and having grown to greatness and prosperity while your ... ahem! ... empire has vanished and your economy has pancaked into the pit of socialism, I have the temerity to suggest that you watch in awe as a great nation re-elects a great leader.
I am, sir, your once-groveling former subject,
/s/
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