Posted on 10/16/2004 5:48:19 AM PDT by jamfull
Teresa Heinz Kerry Touts Secret Health Cures
Teresa Heinz Kerry, wife of Presidential hopeful John Kerry, revealed several alternative health remedies today while speaking in Reno. According to Teresa, better health awaits those who follow her alternative advice.
In all her remedies, Teresa advocates a strong liberal use of the sauce (not the secret 57 kind) and white raisins.
Teresa’s healthful anti-aging tips include:
Arthritis: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day.”
Bunions: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Plus, drink three martinis daily: one at breakfast, one at lunch, and one at dinner. After each martini, spin around and do the hokey pokey for enjoyment.”
Cold: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, drink several shots of 100 proof Wild Turkey during coughing spells or when needed – no hokey pokey required.
Poor Eyesight: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, get some medical “Maui Wowee” marijuana and smoke three fat joints a day. Also, make sure you’re loaded with some good munchies. Imported Belgian Chocolate and extra cheesy nachos are my favorites.”
Wrinkles: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Plus, find the best damn plastic surgeon who has stockpiled large amounts of Botox. Also, make sure you have some spare hooch in the cupboard for when you get the bill."
Poor Hearing: “You get some gin and get some white raisins — and only white raisins — and soak them in the gin for two weeks, then eat nine of the raisins a day. Additionally, sip several tall glasses of Elijah Craig Bourbon Whiskey throughout the day, smoke a few fat joints of medical marijuana -- then you won’t give a crap what other idiots have to say."
When asked what happens if someone has more than one ailment, Teresa replied, "If they follow the remedy for each ailment, they’ll be so stoned throughout the day they’ll feel no pain, believe me."
Teresa, however, gave a final word of caution to those who wish to follow her plan: "please, no driving or use of any sharp objects allowed."
Teresa also plans a book tour to promote her health advice after the elections. But she wants fans to know all book signings will be in the late afternoons only. She says she doesn't like getting up before 2:00 pm.
www.fiberalmedia.com
forgive the double post. Had 18 of those darn raisins.
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