One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy ... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
'm so ugly ... My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry .... We did everything we could ...But he pulled through.
I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ... "Do you think we'll ever find them?
He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide."
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
I'm so ugly; when I was born the doctor slapped my mother!
"I was an ugly baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped my mother."