"Dick Cheney said that if John Kerry wins, there will be another attack. Then Cheney said, if Bush wins, I'll call it off." —Conan O'Brien
"The Bush campaign unveiled its new slogan. The new slogan is 'We've Turned A Corner And We're Not Turning Back.' This replaces their old slogan 'Do What Dick Cheney Says And Nobody Gets Hurt.'" —Conan O'Brien