Posted on 07/18/2004 11:39:14 AM PDT by dennisw
July 18, 2004 LIVES When One Is Enough By AMY RICHARDS as told to AMY BARRETT
I grew up in a working-class family in Pennsylvania not knowing my father. I have never missed not having him. I firmly believe that, but for much of my life I felt that what I probably would have gained was economic security and with that societal security. Growing up with a single mother, I was always buying into the myth that I was going to be seduced in the back of a pickup truck and become pregnant when I was 16. I had friends when I was in school who were helping to rear nieces and nephews, because their siblings, who were not much older, were having babies. I had friends from all over the class spectrum: I saw the nieces and nephews on the one hand and country-club memberships and station wagons on the other. I felt I was in the middle. I had this fear: What would it take for me to just slip?
Now I'm 34. My boyfriend, Peter, and I have been together three years. I'm old enough to presume that I wasn't going to have an easy time becoming pregnant. I was tired of being on the pill, because it made me moody. Before I went off it, Peter and I talked about what would happen if I became pregnant, and we both agreed that we would have the child.
I found out I was having triplets when I went to my obstetrician. The doctor had just finished telling me I was going to have a low-risk pregnancy. She turned on the sonogram machine. There was a long pause, then she said, ''Are you sure you didn't take fertility drugs?'' I said, ''I'm positive.'' Peter and I were very shocked when she said there were three. ''You know, this changes everything,'' she said. ''You'll have to see a specialist.''
My immediate response was, I cannot have triplets. I was not married; I lived in a five-story walk-up in the East Village; I worked freelance; and I would have to go on bed rest in March. I lecture at colleges, and my biggest months are March and April. I would have to give up my main income for the rest of the year. There was a part of me that was sure I could work around that. But it was a matter of, Do I want to?
I looked at Peter and asked the doctor: ''Is it possible to get rid of one of them? Or two of them?'' The obstetrician wasn't an expert in selective reduction, but she knew that with a shot of potassium chloride you could eliminate one or more.
Having felt physically fine up to this point, I got on the subway afterward, and all of a sudden, I felt ill. I didn't want to eat anything. What I was going through seemed like a very unnatural experience. On the subway, Peter asked, ''Shouldn't we consider having triplets?'' And I had this adverse reaction: ''This is why they say it's the woman's choice, because you think I could just carry triplets. That's easy for you to say, but I'd have to give up my life.'' Not only would I have to be on bed rest at 20 weeks, I wouldn't be able to fly after 15. I was already at eight weeks. When I found out about the triplets, I felt like: It's not the back of a pickup at 16, but now I'm going to have to move to Staten Island. I'll never leave my house because I'll have to care for these children. I'll have to start shopping only at Costco and buying big jars of mayonnaise. Even in my moments of thinking about having three, I don't think that deep down I was ever considering it.
The specialist called me back at 10 p.m. I had just finished watching a Boston Pops concert at Symphony Hall. As everybody burst into applause, I watched my cellphone vibrating, grabbed it and ran into the lobby. He told me that he does a detailed sonogram before doing a selective reduction to see if one fetus appears to be struggling. The procedure involves a shot of potassium chloride to the heart of the fetus. There are a lot more complications when a woman carries multiples. And so, from the doctor's perspective, it's a matter of trying to save the woman this trauma. After I talked to the specialist, I told Peter, ''That's what I'm going to do.'' He replied, ''What we're going to do.'' He respected what I was going through, but at a certain point, he felt that this was a decision we were making. I agreed.
When we saw the specialist, we found out that I was carrying identical twins and a stand alone. My doctors thought the stand alone was three days older. There was something psychologically comforting about that, since I wanted to have just one. Before the procedure, I was focused on relaxing. But Peter was staring at the sonogram screen thinking: Oh, my gosh, there are three heartbeats. I can't believe we're about to make two disappear. The doctor came in, and then Peter was asked to leave. I said, ''Can Peter stay?'' The doctor said no. I know Peter was offended by that.
Two days after the procedure, smells no longer set me off and I no longer wanted to eat nothing but sour-apple gum. I went on to have a pretty seamless pregnancy. But I had a recurring feeling that this was going to come back and haunt me. Was I going to have a stillbirth or miscarry late in my pregnancy?
I had a boy, and everything is fine. But thinking about becoming pregnant again is terrifying. Am I going to have quintuplets? I would do the same thing if I had triplets again, but if I had twins, I would probably have twins. Then again, I don't know.
This is the sad state that more than a few American (even perhaps Western women in general) have come to.
They were had more damned heart when they were oppressed by my male ancestors.
So much for freedom and rights...
sickening....evil walks this land.
Those two words sum it up quite well.
That's this whole thing in a nutshell, isn't it?
there will be a reckoning for this harridan.
This has GOT to be the ultimate in PC phrasing!
I can't imagine having an abortion in order to live in a bigger house,etc. Karma can be a real bitch.
This is what happens when you, ".....let the woman choose!".
I just had supper and just thought I'd do an FR drive-by and saw this ping from bourbon.
most disturbing thread I've seen in a while....and to think there are folks who could read the same thing we did and feel total empathy with her...
...nay, they will applaud her CHOICE!
...and folks say that those like me who fear civil unrest here down the road are loons....we'll see.
i'd fight this battle if it came down to that
one day hopefully folks will look at this like we do the nazis or pol pot and say how did we let it happen?
oh no....men pressure women to have abortions usually remember?
I guess I wasn't clear. It isn't ANYBODY's choice!
I don't applaud her choice. She's a selfish bitch, and I'd tell her so to her face. I hope that when she's an old lady that she's raked with guilt. If my mother told me she had an abortion because she wanted a new car I'd find a new mother.
I've read stories about twins possessing some sort of psychic or telepathic bond, as well as tales of twins separated at birth living remarkbly similar lives. If these stories are true, I wonder if the surviving triplet somehow senses (without his mother telling him about the abortions) that something is wrong, that something or someone (two someones, to be exact) is missing, that he isn't complete. I don't know and I can't explain it.
I CAN'T FIX MYSELF SO I"LL FIX THE WORLD INSTEAD"
I was being sarcastic Fix.
This stuff really gets me going.
This and gun grabbing stir primal instincts in this alpha male and daddy.
or, "Johnny, I killed your sisters so you could have more toys. Don't you just love Mommy?"
I'm sorry.....I didn't mean to infer anything negative about this thread on you.
I know where you have always claimed your heart lies on this issue.
;>)
BINGO daddy!
PS. I agree with your take on Cosby. He knows what's going on.
33 years ago I went through a very similar thing. My girlfriend, later my wife, decided at the last minute that having a baby and getting married was not going to work for her and her life goals at that time. So against my wishes, but sadly with my assistance, she aborted, what we later would realize, was our only child. 14 years later she decided maybe she was finally ready to get pregnant. We tried desperately for 5 month without success. 4 years later we got a divorce. 8 years later, God rest her soul, she died of what I believe was abortion induced breast cancer.
My point? Everyone talks about this being a choice, but the choice is always about what the woman wants. I think that in more instances than people want to admit the father wants the child, but the mother doesn't. Trust me that is an argument that the father always loses.
I not only feel terribly sorry for the unfortunate twins who were too big of an inconvenience of this modern hip and with it woman, but also the son who will never know his siblings. But most of all I feel so sorry for the father whose wishes were totally ignored, and who will always live with the memory of what he lost to make his girlfriend happy.
absolutely nothing.
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