DAVE BARRY FOR PRESIDENT IN 200004
"It's Time We Demanded Less"
Every now and then, America produces a great leader -- a person of vision, courage, and integrity. Until that leader shows up, why not elect Dave Barry as our president?
"Why am I running? For the same historic reason that motivated other top-quality U.S. presidential timbers such as George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and Winston Churchill: All the other candidates are goobers." - Dave Barry
Dave Barry agrees with you 100 percent on all the issues. But bear in mind that just because Dave Barry has previously stated a view, that does not automatically mean that he agrees with it.
WHERE DAVE BARRY STANDS ON….
CRIME
You can call me courageous if you want, but I am against crime. I favor the death penalty for everything, including zoning violations. In the case of really, really bad criminals -- especially murderers and whoever is responsible for putting Jerry Springer on television -- I support a massive government project to develop a way to bring them back to life after we execute them, so we can execute them again.
TAXES
A lot of my opponents have been going around spouting harebrained "pie-in-the-sky" tax schemes that promise "something for nothing." Well I say it's time for a "reality check." I favor a practical, fiscally sound, two-pronged "flat-tax" system, as follows:
PRONG ONE -- Everybody would pay less.
PRONG TWO -- You, personally, would pay nothing.
SOCIAL SECURITY
You hear a lot of talk these days about how the government cannot afford to keep giving more and more billions of dollars in Medicare and Social Security benefits to the elderly, especially to the wealthy, golf-playing, boat-owning, Lincoln-driving, mansion-dwelling, servant-lashing elderly. Well, here's what I say: I personally am well on my way to elderlyhood, and if I'm going to suffer from joint pain, gum disease, vision loss, irregularity, bladder malfunction, prostate disorders, hemorrhoidal swelling and an inexplicable fondness for reruns of "Murder, She Wrote," then by gosh I WANT MONEY FROM THE GOVERNMENT.
DRUGS
I admit that, back in the Sixties when everybody was doing it, I may have stuck a few syringes in my arm. But I never pushed the plunger.
STANDARDIZED NATIONAL EDUCATIONAL TESTS
I believe that American schoolchildren should be given standardized national educational tests, and I will tell you exactly why: Because I am not a schoolchild. I am strongly in favor of things that I, personally, do not have to do. Childbirth is another example.
HEALTH CARE
As an older male American, I believe that our Number One health-care priority, as a nation, must be to make the medical profession find some way to get to the prostate gland other than the way they're getting to it now.
FOREIGN POLICY
I am sick and tired of watching the United States get pushed around by dirtbag nations such as Iraq. If I were president, and Saddam Hussein gave me any trouble, I would unleash the ultimate weapon on him. That's right: I would have a bomber fly right over downtown Baghdad, open the bomb doors, and drop: lawyers. If that didn't paralyze Iraq, I would drop more lawyers; and if THAT didn't work, I would put parachutes on the lawyers.
SEX IN THE OVAL OFFICE
The Oval Office is a sacred shrine of our great republic, and it is just plain wrong for the president to have sex there. He should go out on the lawn.
Heh heh heh...hey, did you hear the warm welcome Dubyuh gave the ex-Rapist-in-Chief at the White House in honor of the unveiling of he and the HildaBeast's official portraits?! My gawd, I couldda never have been so generous to that lowlife bottom-feeders!!
FReegards...MUD
Seems to me that's be a lot less embarrassing than admitting yer voting fer Hanoi John Kerry...MUD