[SpyktRose]

I was on vacation in the Outer Banks a few years ago, and read these on the pages of the karaoke bar. I wrote them all down. I'll try not to repeat things that were already posted-

*I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
~Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
*Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.
~Passionate kiss like spider's web; soon lead to undoing of fly.
*Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
~All generalizations are false.
*Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
~I brake for no apparent reason.
*Lottery: a tax for people who are bad at math.
~It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you!
*Auntie Em-
Hate you, hate Kansas. Taking the dog.
-Dorothy
*Forget the Jones- I keep us up with the Simpsons.
~Born free, taxed to death.
*The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
~I get enough exercise pushing my luck.
*I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
~If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
*When you do a good deed, get a receipt, just in case Heaven's like the IRS.
~I intend to live forever- so far, so good.
*So you're a feminist...isn't that precious?
~See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
*I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
~Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
*A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
~The latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
*The trouble with life is there's no background music.
~I still miss my ex. But my aim is getting better!
*Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
~On the other hand, you have different fingers.
*Failure is not an option! It comes bundled with the software.
~To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question...or is it?
*Save the whales. Collect the whole set!
~Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
*The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
~Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was damn near impossible.
*What happens if you get scared half to death twice.
~When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
*Macho law forbides me from admitting I'm wrong.
~I plead contemporary insanity.
*A snail can sleep for 3 years. (So could I, if people would stop bothering me.)
~It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

And some of these-
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
AMNESIA: The condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
SUBURBIA: Where they tear out trees and then name streets after them.

And-
Label instructions printed on bottom of Tesco's Tiramiso dessert- Do not turn upside down.
Lable instruction printed on Boot's Children's cough syrup- Do not operate machinery or drive.
Label instuctions on a hotel-provided shower cap box-Fits one head.

[jellybean]

LOL... those are FUNNY!!

Here are a few more I'd be embarrassed to post if I had any scruples ;)

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two aerial antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says,"I've lost my electron". The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." " What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy."
14. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
16. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
17. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
18. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
21. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, "Is the bar tender here?"