James Lileks: Worst Rock Song Ever? Give This a Spin

The Minneapolis/St Paul Star Tribune ^ | April 25, 2004 | James Lileks

[quidnunc]

It's the list of the 50 Worst Rock Songs Ever — and it surely must be authoritative, because it comes from Blender magazine!

You know, BLENDER?

So I'm not the only one who doesn't read it. Good. Anyway, Blender names the worst rock hit in human history. It's "We Built This City (on Rock 'n Roll)" by Starship.

Good choice. To assert that one can build a city on rock 'n' roll is simply bad urban theory. It is safe to say that rock 'n' roll provides an insufficient means of providing the infrastructure necessary for a large urban environment. If we could take the point further, any architect will tell you that a prerequisite for skyscraper construction is a sheet of thick rock into which the steel superstructure can be anchored. If you build a city on rock 'n' roll, as opposed to schist, your buildings will simply fall over and kill thousands.

Then there's the music. Empty '80s bombast married to '60s narcissism: surefire horror. "Starship" was another incarnation of Jefferson Airplane, a trippy Haight-Ashbury remnant best known for Grace Slick droning the interminable lyrics of "White Rabbit," a song that seemed to last for the entire Nixon presidency. (Both terms.)

But worst ever? I don't think so. Every generation moves the goal posts for the Worst Song Ever. Great-Grandpa thought that "The Horseradish Rag" was the Worst Song Ever, and Grandpa couldn't hear "I'm a Flapper in a Flivver" without spitting on the ground, and so forth. Hence most of my worst songs are from the '70s — to my weary ears, the absolute nadir of pop music. That's when pop split up into several irreconcilable factions:

1. Well-produced stoner operas for dateless guys whose idea of a Friday night was sitting in a dark dorm room, wearing headphones, waiting for a girl. Or the pizza. Or maybe a girl with a pizza! OK, just the pizza. She wouldn't understand this album anyway.

-snip-

[LowOiL]

Dr. Who by "The Timelords". If you could find that remix and gimme the make/model info on it, I'd appreciate it.

Hummm... I'll look. I ain't done an album (or EP) recording in a while. I'll see what up. I may have the web space somewhere to host it for a bit.

[CobaltBlue]

Mellow Yellow, I love.

Free Bird, check.

Supremes, ditto.

[skinkinthegrass]

LOL!..YIKES!!!! :))

[Howlin]

You know, it's not that bad a song.....it just stays with you.......forever.

He was on American Idol this week........he looks just as young as he did the day he walked out of the bathhouse. But I still like him!

[ohiobushman]

Great minds think alike!!

[Howlin]

Have you heard of Maroon 5?

[CobaltBlue]

If you hate Freebird, you must be a Yankee.

[CobaltBlue]

Now wait a minnit! Mexican Radio is genius! What is wrong with you people?

This is what I get for taking music criticism from a bunch of conservatives. I bet ya'll never smoked dope when you was young and crazy, 'cause you never was young and crazy, nor danced all night with a stranger under the pale moonlight, neither.

[RightWingAtheist]

Phantom Planet is the band that Jason Schwartzman (Talia Shire's son, who's best know as the star of the movie Rushmore)used to play drums in. I just think it would be cool to pair up two bands named after semi-classic late-fifties science fiction movies.

[dancusa]

Every time I hear 'Cold as Ice'by Foreigner my stomach feels like I just layed down in bed after drinking a case of beer and chased it with a pint of vodka.

[Begin]

Well, I guess I should've known that I wouldn't be making a lot of friends by opining :-)

[ohiobushman]

Anything by Michael Jackson "SUCKS"!!!!!!

[Dr. Juris]

Anything by Led Zepplin

[longshadow]

I nominate "Takin' Care of Business" by Bachmann Turner Overdrive as the most moronic, over-played, over-hyped rock song ever to desecrate a good stereo system.

There are no doubt others that are deserving of this honor, but this one sticks in my mind, which is why I can't stand it.

[skinkinthegrass]

'Tiptoe Through The Tulips' by the trio of Yoko Ono, William Shatner and Slim Whitman ...

NO!NO!NO!NO!...Please, Have Mercy.

[King Prout]

when you locate it and record it digitally, please notify me and I'll give you my email so you can just send it to me - I don't *do* P2P.

[King Prout]

ok, you win.

[Miss Marple]

I am glad you mentioned that horrible "Alone Again, Naturally." I was trying to think of the name, but all I could think was "that whiny song from the 70's about the guy who feels sorry from himself and wants to climb up on a tower and throw himself off."

Boy, I hate that song!!!

[King Prout]

yeah... but I got a warm happy feeling out of it.

[nuconvert]

LoL